Bright spots

A quick post, in the spirit of Elisabeth’s Happy Things Fridays. (She has a new one up today, fyi. :>)

I had intended to write a longer post this morning, but was derailed when I went in to update a Word document and found that Copilot had been installed without MS asking me about it. Things I Do Not Like About Technology. But! Moving on to brighter things (and if anyone can help me get the darn thing off my MS apps on my Mac, please share!).

Engie has been a bright spot in my life for over a year now. She extracted me from my apartment – figuratively, if not literally, kicking and screaming, and helped me relearn how to engage with people and the world. I am so grateful to have found her blog, and her, and for her persistence and willingness to accommodate my many weirdnesses.

We’ve gotten together with Birchie in the past year, and now Sarah in the very beginning of 2025! I will say it again – this blogging community means so much to me. So thank you Engie, and Birchie, and Sarah, for knowing my quirks and, well, talking to me anyway. 🙂

Other bright spots? Finally making some small moves on the health front, with still unknown outcomes. But something is being done, and that makes a difference. My health care providers – despite the desperate state of health care in the US – are another bright spot in my life.

I’m also maintaining my joy-bringing habits – music, reading (finishing The God of the Woods and have thoroughly enjoyed it, then moving on to The Women). I’ve gotten rid of things that don’t work for me (more clothing will be out the door shortly) and getting somewhere with limiting the things that don’t bring me joy. For me, checking things off a list is a bright spot, indeed.

Finally, I picked my word of the year. I think this one will stick: priorities. It goes with many of my bright spots – continuing to connect, reading, music, decluttering. All of you. And in the spirit of that word, a quote from James Clear: “Caring about everything is a disaster. Caring about nothing is also a disaster. Nurture the small pocket of things that truly matter to you.” More to come about my priorities, and “goals”, if one can call them that, soon, I hope.

You all truly matter to me. Be well, my friends. Let’s help each other through these last two weeks (!!) of January.

The year that was

2024 had bright spots as well as challenges…and for me, it was the year that i remembered who I am and what I love. I credit all of you with spurring me on to go back to the things that make me, me. Your comments, your suggestions, the ways in which you live your lives – all of the things I love about all of you – reminded me that yes, these were things (well, many of them) that I used to love, too.

Reading This is probably the most striking change. Friends, this was the year that I rediscovered just how much I love to read. I always thought of myself as a reader, but it fell off of my priority list, replaced by work (of course), reading and/or listening to the news, and other forms of media-related and non-media related distraction. I will have a post coming up devoted to reading, books, and my love for Libby, but suffice to say that all of the library lovers in my virtual world finally changed my mind. I activated my Libby account (I had a library card already, yay). I started looking through the books they offered. And then – the event that changed everything? (This is so random, seriously…) My mom said how much she loved the audiobook version of The Dutch House, and when I said I’d never read it, she suggested I give it a try. Friends, it changed my life. I always thought that audiobooks were Not For Me. Turns out, I was listening to the wrong audiobooks. (This perspective was also likely influenced by childhood memories of listening to a CD and/or taped version of Just So Stories, a book I find Just So Annoying, in a car trip with lifelong friends years ago.)

I loved it. And I learned that with audiobooks, I could focus on the story while doing mindless tasks. I don’t need to focus on swiffering the floor, I can listen to Tom Hanks, or Meryl Streep, read me a story. This was mindblowing. I now have a very long Want to Read tag in Libby. I have a long list of books I’ve borrowed (with some DNFs). I’ve largely stopped spending money on books (JD Robb books being the exception – Engie, we are soulmates there). I’m saving money, I’ve read more books in the past year than I thought possible, AND it’s had a positive influence on my relationship with my parents and others.

More on this in another post, but wow. What a difference it makes to start my day with an audiobook, not the headlines.

Music

I thought that listening to music was something I’d left behind when cars stopped having tape decks. Yes, I’m old. I often listen to sports radio on my way to work. It’s a short trip, it’s low (or no) stakes, plus I like sports! But a month or so ago (maybe 2?) my therapist suggested putting on classical music, or piano music (both of which I love) while I am starting my day. I scoffed (gosh, that’s a great word) but agreed to try it. Friends, it was another game changer. Some mornings, I put on George Winston and friends (thank you, Apple music). Some mornings, it’s the Highwomen, or The Chicks (if I’m feeling rebellious, ha). I sometimes put on music in the evenings, but often I just want silence. And that’s okay, too.

The point is, it’s Not The News (see “Disconnecting”, below). It’s beautiful, well, most of it. It ties me to my past. I was a Band Nerd. I played in orchestra for years. I loved music in college (who didn’t)? And then I…lost it? This reminds me of the beauty that is music, and the ways in which it can enrich our lives in ways that the NY Times headlines cannot.

Contemplation

I am working hard to make contemplation and reflection a regular part of my life, something I started right around Thanksgiving. No, I’m not yet doing yoga (sorry, Nicole). But I am making sure to have something reflection-related in my morning, before I log in to work at an unmentionable hour. I make it more special by starting my day, right now, with hot cocoa, made from scratch, and now using the Special Dark cocoa. It’s not European cocoa but any stretch, but it’s light years better (IMO) than my baking cocoa. I try to take at least 20 minutes, but some days it’s only 10 and that’s okay. This is also often paired with “background music”, which I love. It just makes the mornings better. I mean, of course. 🙂

Disconnecting

With the, um, changes (reversion?) happening in the US this month, I started trying very, very hard, to disconnect in 2024. This was a winter break-related change, to be honest. Late in the year, but shaping my current actions, too. Instead of reading every blinking article in the NY Times, I am skipping those that I just. don’t. want. to read. Or I DNF them – I do it with books, why not with articles, too? Instead, I listen to my sports podcast, or sports radio, or an audiobook. Or nothing. There’s something to be said for close-to-silence. There really is. It’s helping, I think. I’m also on Threads, and yes, it’s a Meta company, and yes, I know about the recent actions of their CEO. Sigh. That said, it’s light years better than the cesspool that is the other social network that I Shall Not Name. So for now, I will curate my feed to focus on political liberal-leaning folks, books, libraries, space images (seriously), and other joy-bringing content. For now, it works.

Thank you for reading this far, if you’ve made it this far. 2024 wasn’t all bad. I need to remember that. Thank you all for making it better than it could have been. <3

Poet Emily Dickinson on the power of this moment: “Forever is composed of nows.”

Trying to make my nows better than they were. Be gentle with yourself, friends.

Current state

I hate posting things that are not positive, particularly in this space between the years, but this is where I am right now, and this is one of the few places (virtual and real life) where I can be fully me.

I’m not going to lie – 2024 for me was like being on an endless roller coaster that sped up over the course of the year. A conglomeration of challenges made just getting through seem like a victory. And here I am. So, what is my current state? I think it’s best summed up by Adam Grant’s article on languishing.

The term has been applied primarily to the COVID-19 pandemic, but for me, it describes this season of my life. I just feel…blah. Like I’m getting through the days, often without any particular highs or lows, but just surviving. For me, it seems to be the result of having a lot added to my list without much (if anything) being removed.

At the start of the year, I got tenure (well, I made it over the last “big hurdle”, and the remaining mini-hurdles were mostly pro forma). Which, of course, was amazing. This was an achievement I had hoped to attain in my life as an academic.

Then I found out the reality, which was that tenure = more responsibilities because yay, you’re a senior faculty member now! More committees, students, mentees… and the list goes on. I also added things to my own list, mostly because I dislike turning down requests and/or pleas from fellow faculty members. And it doesn’t help that I dealt with multiple health challenges that persisted throughout the year and will continue into 2025. I also – much to my chagrin – wasn’t able to keep up with blog reading and commenting, which seemed necessary but in hindsight just made me feel more distant from a community that I love and value and want to be engaged with. Spring semester will be even more challenging. My health issues have not resolved, I’ve had classes added to my schedule, and there will be more (there is always more, it seems).

Which begs the question: Now what? This will be a separate (hopefully more positive) post, but I am actively seeking to change my mindset, shift my focus, and think about what matters to me. If this sounds familiar, it’s because I’ve been posting about this since I started this blog. This time, though, seems different. I certainly hope so.

I considered turning off comments on this post, but decided to leave them open. Please know that I am okay, I just need to figure out how to get through and past this stage in my life. Having you all in my life will help me do that. <3

I’m going to leave you with an unusual quote (for me):

When I was young, I believed that life might unfold in an orderly way, according to my hopes and expectations. But now I understand that the Way winds like a river, always changing, ever onward.. My journeys revealed that the Way itself creates the warrior; that every path leads to peace, every choice to wisdom. And that life has always been, and will always be, arising in Mystery. ~Socrates

Looking ahead

I might write a post about my hiatus from this blog, but I might also just move ahead and look forward. I’m still pondering what and how much to share.

Right now, though, I’m trying to look ahead. Near distance and far. What will life bring in the first half of 2025? (Spoiler alert: A LOT more work than I was planning…sigh) What will life start to look like over the next few years? The next ten years? The next 20?

I can’t do it all at once… right now, my gaze (and my goals) are focused on making it through to the end of May. But this year is also a time when I hope to spend more time thinking deliberately about where I want my life to go, who I want to be, and more. I’ve said that before, but this time, well, it seems to hold a bit more weight.

So we’ll see what’s to come in this space. It will still be my usual random ramblings, mixed in with occasional glimpses into life in my world, and I hope you will come back to share it with me. Even though I started blogging just to put my thoughts out there, it’s come to mean so much more. Community. Support. Joy. Thank you all for being you, and for being here. It means a lot. <3

Gratitude

It is Thanksgiving week here in the US, so this will be one of many posts you will see on gratitude. This one will be short, I promise. I’m just dipping a toe back in, re-emerging into this space after far too long, and hoping to reconnect with all of you.

Because that is the point of this post. I may find it difficult right now to be grateful for the direction of our country, but it is never difficult to feel grateful for your presence in my life. You have kept me afloat, with your emails, and invitations, and postcards. Your posts have reminded me that life outside of my self-imposed bubble goes on. And that I need to rejoin that world – to focus outward instead of inward.

So thank you. For your friendship and your steadfastness. I am beyond lucky to have stumbled into this community, with its inclusiveness, its stubborn insistence on connection and depth, and its empathy. Your presence in my life makes it brighter.

“A friend knows our difficulties and shadows and remains in sight, a companion to our vulnerabilities more than our triumphs, when we are under the strange illusion we do not need them. ” ~ From Consolations, by David Whyte