Yet another cliche, and no, I have not read the book yet. I am waiting until I finish a few other non-fiction reads before I make the move. I’m also worried that it will not live up to all the positive and rave reviews. I also know that I must read it – a strong, powerful, independent woman, who is a role model for so many? What can I learn from her life?
I am learning from my own life that… I am not who I was. I think, finally, I am becoming who I was meant to be. I wonder if I stifled myself, or kept the “real” parts of me more hidden, over the last 15 years? My independent and contrary tendencies have returned. I am stating things as they are, rather than asking them as questions. I’m not asking “Is that okay?” as much. I am trying, trying to own my life and my decisions.
I do not think this is sitting well with my partner, because, quite honestly, it is a change from how I have been most recently. I have questioned my priorities, my preferences, my values. Subsumed them, really. And… that is not me. I have finally – finally – realized that, and it’s helping me become who I want to be.
I want to live a larger life than I am living. I want to see what good I can do in this world, beyond the good that I hope I will do through my research.
I have always admired my sister in law, despite her, um, slightly different way of doing things, for her unerring ability to stand up for what is right for her, and her family, and especially her kids. It may not be how things are “typically” done in my family, but she gets it done. And she is unapologetic in owning her beliefs and her choices.
I feel more secure in who I am now than I have in a long time.
It feels so good to be me again.
I know it’s almost the new year, almost a new decade, and I know it’s the thing to do right now to plan for big changes.
But I can’t help but feel that they are coming. And yet, I also feel as though I am coming to a place where I am more like the me I used to be than I have been for a long time.
It won’t be the same, thanks to the intervening years… but taking my life back for my own, making my own choices, and moving ahead as I want to (not how others want me to) will help me, well, “…arrive where (I) started…”
I don’t think it will be easy. I don’t think everyone close to me will really, well, like what’s happening.
But it needs to happen.
Professionally, other than a general blah end of semester slump, and a feeling that I am never going to get grant funding again, things are actually going really well. I know I’ve said that before.
Personally, I am finally getting to the point of making decisions and moving ahead whether others are with me or not. I’m giving up on old grudges, forgiving and forgetting some… shall we say… less than happy memories of relationships with some people, and embracing the weird me that I am.
It’ll be an interesting start to 2020. Very different from the start of 2019. Yet… I’m eager to see what comes.