From euphoria to failure

Wholeheartedness. There are many tenets of Wholeheartedness, but at its very core is vulnerability and worthiness; facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough.
– Brene Brown

Nothing has transformed my life more than realizing that it’s a waste of time to evaluate my worthiness by weighing the reaction of the people in the stands.
– Brene Brown

And finally…

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
– Winston Churchill

So, I failed, yet again, at achieving something I really want. 
Despite knowing that the chances of me actually achieving it were slim-to-none. Really. First grant submissions essentially never get funded. 
But learning that, along with some other things that happened yesterday, had me wallowing. 
And I did wallow, for a few hours. 
And then I reached out – which is new for me. 
I reached out to 2 people who I knew would say what I needed to hear: that yes, it sucked, but I am doing good things and I am not a fake. 
Not an impostor. 
The impostor syndrome was strong yesterday. 
There are still vestiges of it today. 
But I’ll come back. I’ll succeed. And I’ll figure out how to get someone to support what I want to study. 
I know it’s important. I know it should be done. I know I need to do a better job of communicating that to others. 
So onward, upward, and all that. πŸ˜‰ 

Passion and thriving

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style. 
Maya Angelou

I was in the shower yesterday – always, always these things come to me on the shower…or the treadmill – and it hit me. 

They pay me to do what I get to go to work to do. 
They pay me to think. To question. To seek new answers. 
They pay me to read. To share knowledge with others, and to learn from them. 

I. Am. So. Lucky. 

It took me a while – and several detours and wrong turns – but oh, I love what I do. I just love it. 
I basically get paid to be a nerd. Talk about a dream job for me! 

I’ll need to remember this on those super-annoying days when all I want is to be home, in my leggings. 
Or when I’m in the curriculum meeting tomorrow. πŸ™‚ 

But most days? It’s so, so much fun. 

From seeking…to rising

First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. 

So, am I allowed to change my word for the year? because everything in my life is now pointing to RISE… and less to SEEK.

The catalyst was last night, when I received a package from Barnes and Noble. I don’t order from B&N. It’s not that I don’t shop in their stores; I think I even have an account. But I could not remember ordering something – and since I never (or rarely) do, then I kind of figured I would remember it.

And there, in the package, was a book from one of my mentors and guides on this journey of life.

It is titled The Rise, and it is authored by Sarah Lewis. The subtitle? Creativity, the Gift of Failure, and the Search for Mastery. 

The gift of failure. I can’t tell you how that phrase spoke to me. In the last 3 years – since I left my first University position for one that was, quite frankly, a huge mistake, I have felt like a failure. I felt like I completely betrayed my values, my family, my goals, and my vision for my life. I felt as though I had failed in that first position, so I jumped rather than trying to figure out how to make it better – how to make it work for me.

And then I failed again.

And again when I took another job that wasn’t right for me.

I spent so much time denying who I was, and what I love, that I failed over and over and over again.

And then I realized, in the last 6 months, that I needed to have those failures, that I needed to go through those unimportant-to-everyone-else-but-important-to-me changes, crises, and shifts, to get where I am today.

And I am in the right place. At the right time. Doing the right things. I have affirmation of that every single day. Both within me – in the deepening sense of contentment that I am in the right place at the right time – and from others, who are immensely supportive of and enthusiastic about what I am doing.

I am rising.
I am strong.
I am taking back my life.
Moving forward.

So while I am still seeking, I’d like to think that for now – for this year, 2019 – I am rising.
I am rising from those failures, and moving on.

The Rule of Holes

Image result for the rule of holes: if you are in a hole, stop digging
It’s Monday morning. It’s 6:30. Why do I feel like I need to start digging out, start the week over, already? I feel like I’m starting the week with the complete wrong mindset. I’m resentful that I have to go lead a meeting that I imagine will go more smoothly and be more productive than anticipated. I’m resentful that I have to attend a candidate presentation on a topic that I have less than zero interest in. I’m crabby, and digging myself into a hole of resentment, frustration, and grumpiness. And I haven’t even started the day! 
So, time to stop digging. Time to refocus and recenter and remember that even with 2 one-hour commitments today, that I will get things done. The world will keep turning, I will find something unexpectedly good in the day, and I will look back and be reminded that whenever I dread a day the most… it seems that those give back the most, as well. 
I guess we’ll see what today brings…but time to shift the mindset, the approach, the grumpy attitude. Time to stop digging – get out of my hole – and reach.

Gratitude for last week…

I’m starting a new thing (I know! Crazy!). I joined this group called the Peaceful Posse on Facebook; it’s a bunch of bloggers who try to take a more positive perspective on life. I read several of the blogs of the leaders, and one weekly practice they have is to write and share a weekly gratitude post.
I’m not quite ready to share (I don’t know how many people I’d actually want reading my rambles!) but I do want to move into a place where I am more regularly expressing gratitude for all the good in my life. So here we go… for last week (2/10-2/16):

  • My mother in law continues to recover amazingly well from her recent femur fracture, surgery, and stint in rehab. She is a rock star. 
  • The bus drivers, plow people, and others who do their jobs so that I can get to mine. With the snow we have had this winter, this is especially clear to me! 
  • Having parents I love to talk to – and getting the opportunity to do so regularly. 
  • This is going to sound awful, but… having a concert that we were supposed to attend Tuesday (Elton John… a true bucket list item!) rescheduled to October. It’ll be on a Saturday – not a weekday – and it’s a better time of year to travel, particularly to Milwaukee. And, selfishly, I could use the time in the office. I hate to say it, but it’s true…
  • Submitting another pilot proposal last week. I’m still astonished that I seem to know what I want to do now. What a concept. πŸ˜‰ 
  • Ordered new towels. 
  • Caffeine. Always always always. 
  • Three wonderful meetings with students – Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday! Monday’s was particularly awesome – a student who is SO energetic, engaged and interested. I loved talking to her and I can’t wait to talk more. My honors student, who is also a rock star. And a student from last semester with whom I share a connection…and, dare I say it, may be becoming… a friend? 
Happy Sunday. Time to start another week… and make it as awesome as we can.