I’ve had to look in a few metaphorical mirrors recently, and it hasn’t been the most comfortable experience, to be honest. I actually dislike regular mirrors. I’ve never been someone who pays much attention to how they look. I tend to make sure there isn’t anything awful in my teeth, that my hair isn’t standing on end (never a guarantee) and then I figure I’m good.
I don’t have a quote for this one… but I do have a lot of random thoughts in my head. Things I’d share with a roommate / significant other, you know, if I had one living with me.
And that brings me to the first random thought, actually.
1. I’m not a very touchy-feely person. At all. I don’t know (or remember, if I’ve ever done the test) my love language, but I can tell you without question that it is not physical touch. I don’t mind a good hug – but only from certain people. I don’t crave physical contact, as a general rule.
I’ve been self-isolating (and isolated, honestly) since March 13. It’s now June 12. I think we can all do the math… three months, without another person I know well anywhere near me. I haven’t shared my space – and I am grateful for that, honestly. But even I am starting to think that, you know? It would be nice to get a hug. The problem? I’m also struggling with a lot of anxiety around doing more, getting out more, seeing people. I know I’m going to need to start small, but even breaking out of my current routine to go to a store that’s not an essential store is really hard (I still haven’t done it). I should probably just rip the band aid off and do it.
It makes me wonder what I will do when and if I am able to see my mother in law, or my spouse. I have a feeling it’s going to be a rather anxiety provoking moment for me.
Which relates to…
2. I took the enneagram test, which I know is a more popular “personality” test these days. Recommended by my therapist (it’s a long story). I haven’t read the details, but I think I’m primarily a 6? And maybe a 1? Anyway -the key word that keeps jumping out at me for one of my types is the word “anxious”. And yes, that would be me. I’m interested to see how it frames that anxiety, though. Is it something I can use to grow? I certainly hope so.
3. I have new upstairs neighbors.
They are noisy.
I am not happy.
I don’t know what they are rolling across the floor, but it’s LOUD and they were doing it at 12:30 am. As in, half an hour after midnight.
They also stomp.
I’ve been patient, but they’ve been here 2 weeks now. Time to settle down and get some freaking rugs. I plan on saying something to the apartment manager today. Sigh.
Yes, I’m “that” tenant, apparently.
4. There is a car packed with random stuff – looks like someone is moving? – that has been parked outside my apartment for the last 3 weeks. I cannot figure it out.
5. My niece graduates from high school today. Virtually. Which means that, for once, I can actually participate in one of her milestone events. What sucks is that her senior year has, well, completely sucked. She’s amazing, though – has been baking up a storm and really impressing the heck out of all of us with her patience and ability to just roll with it. I am so insanely proud of her – and I cannot believe she is heading to college next year. I don’t have kids of my own, and I just love seeing how she and her brother have matured into really excellent people. It makes me so hopeful for the future.
And that seems to be the end of my random thoughts…
I know this is making the rounds, but it resonated with me and maybe it will with you, too…
I am heartsick, heartbroken, anguished, angry, devastated, scared… so many emotions, for so many reasons, that it feels as though my spirit is sinking beneath the weight of… everything.
A man murdered in the street for the color of his skin.
A “leader” (I cannot figure out how to refer to our non-President in any other way…) who stokes anger and division.
Elected officials who refuse to listen.
The anguished, angry, cries of people who have endured too much for too long… people who have led lives that I will never, ever be able to understand.
I don’t share their experiences.
I don’t know what their lives are like.
I know only my privileged, white, hetero existence in a world that accepts me as I am but refuses to do the same for them.
I know I need to learn. I know I’m probably saying the wrong things.
But I want to know more. I want to be better.
I need to know more. I need to be better.
The hardest part? Not having anyone to share this process with.
I can’t talk to my parents about it- it might as well not be happening.
I can’t talk to my spouse about it – he’s not in the same place as I am, a place of learning and openness. He rests in his privilege, and makes statements that I fully disagree with, that make me realize I cannot share openly with him.
I can’t talk to my friends about it – as many of them do not share my views.
So I’ll start this journey on my own. Perhaps I’ll find others on similar journeys along the way. But it needs to happen.
“Stay angry, little Meg,” Mrs Whatsit whispered. “You will need all your anger now.”