Rainbows and gratitude

Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it’s done so far
What’s so amazing that keeps us stargazing?
And what do we think we might see?
Someday we’ll find it
The rainbow connection
The lovers, the dreamers, and me.
The Rainbow Connection (in Kermit’s voice, of course)

I came across these lyrics while cleaning up the ridiculous number of open tabs in my browser (side note: when did tabs appear, and what on earth did I do before that?) and realized just how much they resonate with me these days. 
I am still trying to hold on to my dreams, despite setbacks. 
Still trying to hope that good things will happen, that they’re right around the corner. 
That despite the Jonah days and the strings of failures in life and in work, eventually I will string together some wins. 
And that got me to think about what I am grateful for … I have so much to be thankful for in my life. 
Family I love more than ever. 
Work that I love. 
Coworkers who get me and have welcomed me in with open arms. 
Being more engaged, more involved, and more invested in this place where I live and work. 
Therapy that – for the first time in my life – seems to be working, that is making me more aware of my deepest feelings and the truth at the core of me. Finally, someone who has me think beyond the superficial, and makes me dig deeper. 
And related to that, finally (I think…) knowing what I want in my life. And knowing that it won’t be easy but I am strong enough to get through to the other side. 
Focusing on the rainbows today…the possibilities…the dreams…
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Image by Beth Hendrickson Logan 

I am trying to remember to smile at the rain today. 
Yesterday was a Jonah day, as my college roommate used to say. You know, some days the whale eats you and there’s nothing you can do about it but, well, wait. 
It was a Sunday of Suck. Seriously. 
Just a bunch of little annoying, frustrating, and (in one case) tragic things. 
Fruit fly infestation. Stinky trash probably the culprit but my god, there were so many of them.
Research proposal not discussed. Feeling as though I’m a poser at work – despite my passion and love for research, I have not made significant progress in years. Years. So now what? 
My microwave – which I literally use all day, every day – died last night. 
The tragedy, though, overshadowed them all. A staff member where I work died suddenly over the weekend. Completely unexpected. One of those people who just did her job, did it well, and helped whenever she could. It’s horrible – the week of Thanksgiving? Really? and I cannot even imagine what her family is going through. 
It reminded me that my ‘problems’ are small. 
That I can still smile at the rain. 
That I’ll find a way through this all (dear god, I hope I find a way to get rid of the damn fruit flies sooner rather than later…). 
And that life is too short, really, to focus on this stuff. 

No response is still a response

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I sent someone important to me a long and heavy email. I asked a lot of questions in the email, and also asked for them to respond. 
That was a month ago. 
They have not yet responded. 
And this is what keeps going through my mind… that not responding is a response. And that it means a lot that this person has not prioritized this or taken the time to respond. It took a lot for me to write and send that email. There were some potentially life-changing questions in there. 
I’ll be honest – the non-response is in line with how this person deals with heavy things: avoidance. And it’s one of the reasons I’m thinking of seriously changing our relationship. They have found plenty of time for other activities, other interests, other people in the last month. They just haven’t had time to respond thoughtfully to my email. And that hurts. 
I guess now I have my answer. Even if I get one in the next few days (which, honestly, I don’t think will happen…) it’s going to be colored by the fact that they took so long to respond.

Ah, the best laid plans and all that

After that post last Monday, I proceeded to have one of my worst days ever.

I had the wrong date for a guest lecture.

It snowed. A lot.

My leg hurt. A lot.

I got to nothing on my to-do list.

It was a mess.

So the restart happened later last week, not Monday. But now, I am finally, finally, finally feeling more like myself. Being sick sucks. I am the worst sick person on the face of the planet. Really. I hate it.

And yet, the past three days, I’ve had so much more energy. I’ve moved more, gone back to taking the bus to work, and even started with some mini-workouts. My appetite is better, the brain fog is gone, and I feel like I can actually tackle the four-page to-do list I have.

Sometimes, I guess it just takes time. When you’re impatient, as I am, and when you hate being sick, as I do, then a long illness and recovery period is one of the most frustrating things on earth.

But sometimes I also have to realize that taking the time to heal, to really come back to myself, is more beneficial than trying to fight the illness in the first place.

Lessons learned. Plans change. Life’s curveballs don’t take grant deadlines or other obligations into account. They just come at you. And I think I might finally be learning how to hit a curveball… finally.

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The pity party ends now

Good grief. I have been wallowing in how terrible I feel with this ongoing health issue, how much it’s limited me, what I can’t do, blah blah blah.

And I am tired of myself. So the pity party is ending today. Yes, my foot still hurts. Yes, I’m still being treated. That doesn’t mean I’m helpless or hopeless. (I hope!)

One thing I have always had pride in is my ability to just deal with all the crap that happens and move on. Roadblocks and hurdles happen to everyone – I am not special because I am dealing with this, trust me. And others have it a whole lot worse.

Time to suck it up and move on. It will get better. Just because I’m not 100% right now doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do what I CAN. I can’t go to the gym. Fine. I can stretch and do sit-to-stands on a chair to regain some of my lost muscle mass. (And it’s a lot – that’s what triggered this this morning – realizing just how much muscle and fitness I have lost over the last 3+ weeks…sigh) I can do that morning and evening. There is nothing that says I can’t stretch or stand up, right? And eventually, I will get back to the gym, and I will build that muscle back up. My stamina is starting to come back – thanks to my appetite being back, too.

So, time to get over myself. Time to end the pity party. Moving on.