I’m in a bit of a quandary… I know so many people who are just, well, eager for things to open back up, to be able to see those they love and haven’t seen in so long.

Yet I find myself in the small-but-larger-than-I-realized group of people who are highly anxious about reopening and don’t necessarily want things to change. At least not right now, and not abruptly.

Even when I do get the vaccine I don’t think that I’m going to want to suddenly be out and about. I find that I rather like the peaceful and solitary life that I have had the last year. I’ve been very cautious and haven’t seen other people much all year. There have been occasional (distanced) meet ups but nothing like what other people (who clearly are craving more in-person interaction) have been having. I’m even more cautious than my parents were (before they got vaccinated, yay).

I am so happy that those I love are getting the vaccine. I’m also happy to just wait my turn. It gives me, well, a bit of an excuse for continuing my peaceful, solitary existence. Others really can’t understand this – even those who know me best and love me. They think that I should be eager to get back to “normal”, too.

While I’ve been fine with being alone this past year, and have liked it more than I thought possible, I also worry that it has made it easier for me to withdraw (which is my natural inclination in relationships) and become more of a loner than I was before. I worry that it may have hastened the end of my relationship… since we definitely have different opinions on what is safe and how much we should be interacting with others.

Which means I find myself treasuring my peaceful existence, anticipating getting my vaccine (eventually, when it’s my turn) and highly anxious about any return to anything resembling “normal”, as well as what that means for my relationships. I don’t want “normal”, but I also don’t know how to balance a version of “normal” with what I have now. I know I won’t have all the answers immediately, but in the meantime, it’s reassuring to know that others are feeling the same way.

In the meantime, this quote is giving me a bit of peace…

“There may be many uncertainties in life but there are also infinite possibilities. It is impossible for us to know how our days will come and go, and I think it’s better this way. The truth is, if we “knew it all” life would be so much less interesting. When we have a tight grip on how we think our lives should look, we block out the guidance of the really magical lives that are waiting for us.”

I don’t know who said that, but I have it clipped and saved and it does speak to where I am right now – not knowing where the road post-isolation will go, and trying to remember that, well, that’s life. Time to see how it unfolds.