I can’t come up with a title – hopefully something will come to me after I write this out! (Edited to add: Yep.) I wasn’t going to take the time to write a post this morning but I’ve wanted to write this since over the weekend, and as it’s now Tuesday, well, it’s time.
I’ve been in a funk, and for no good reason. My teaching load is not heavy this semester, so I’m not teaching and grading and dealing with student questions – all the things that go along with trying to be a good professor. I’ve been focusing on research in progress and research in development, as well as students’ proposals, and so my mind has been consumed with the details of grant submissions and the challenges of making your ideas clear and interesting within a very restricted number of pages.
And as much as I love research, I think this is the reason for my fun. Even I need a break from it periodically. I haven’t had that recently -it’s been gogogo since, well, at least 6 weeks ago. I’m definitely to blame, too, since I rarely if ever take enough time away from work to give my brain a break. Turns out you can really put yourself into a funk when you do that.
Yet here I am – at a point when stepping away for an entire day or even a half day will get me so far behind that I may never catch up. Once I realized yesterday just how bad things had gotten, I decided to try to build small joys into my day. Last evening, I streamed part of a beautiful Christmas concert while I ate and then stretched after my shower. This morning, I took a slightly longer shower than usual, and I plan to indulge in an extra cup of coffee to make sure I’m fueled up for another long day.
Tiny things, but they make me feel a little calmer, a little more relaxed.
And this weekend, I tried to get back into my habit of reading poetry or something, well, “inspiring” (I know, so specific…ha) daily. Of course the universe had a bit of a message for me.
Flipping through Mary Oliver’s Upstream, which is a book of essays (Side note: I much prefer her poems but her essays are quite good as well), the following jumped off the page, just as I was about to close the book and put it aside:
“How wonderful that the universe is beautiful in so many places and in so many ways. But also the universe is brisk and businesslike, and no doubt does not give its delicate landscapes or its thunderous displays of power, and perhaps perception, too, for our sakes or our improvement. Nevertheless, its intonations are our best tonics, if we would take them. For the universe is full of radiant suggestion. For whatever reason, the heart cannot separate the world’s appearance and actions from morality and valor, and the power of every idea is intensified, if not actually created, by its expression in substance. Over and over in the butterfly we see the idea of transcendence. In the forest we see not the inert but the aspiring. In water that departs forever and forever returns, we experience eternity.”
What a lovely sentiment to ponder on a dark December morning… that the universe is full of radiant suggestion. I hope the suggestions the universe sends to you this week are inspiring and uplifting. I’m trying to hold on to those feelings as I head into my Tuesday. <3
I think we’re “kindred spirits”, Anne (have you read Anne of Green Gables?!).
I have been in such a funk lately (most intensely the last few weeks). Some of it is the weather – it has been rainy and cold. Some of it is a sense of burnout coming back again – not necessarily stretched too thin, but finding it very hard to not feel obligated to feel productive every waking minute so I don’t even truly enjoy the leisure time I have.
Tonight I cried at the supper table. I was cold and tired and I had a rotten day at work (a new colleague who was to assume a major responsibility within the research project I’m managing has resigned and I’m feeling helpless). Renovations stalled (but I don’t know why because it was beautiful and dry and sunny and WE’RE GETTING A SNOWSTORM TOMORROW NIGHT SO WHY DIDN’T THEY WORK TODAY?) and the kids were driving me crazy with their requests for playdates.
I honestly just don’t want to do anything tonight…but I’m going to go take a very long, very hot shower and then maybe let myself watch a very mindless holiday movie? For now I’m cuddled up in bed with two Magic Bags – haha. Again, we’re kindred spirits.
I’m counting on things looking brighter in the morning, but I really feel you on the funk. And it can feel especially hard to break out of at this time of year.
Onward and upward. Hope we’re both feeling more optimistic soon!!! And you’re so right about fitting in those little pleasures/joys. It can make all the difference. Putting on a nice hand lotion, or brewing a warm cup of tea; lighting the fire or listening to music on full blast. The streamed Christmas concert sounds like a great idea.
Hi Elisabeth,
I waited to reply to this so that I could write a reasonably coherent reply and… now it’s Friday. Sigh. So sorry for the delay.
And, oh, we are indeed kindred spirits. Anne of Green Gables is one of my most favorite series. I still reread it every year or two and every time I enjoy it just as much as the first time. I have long dreamed of visiting PEI – and Nova Scotia – thanks to reading those books. I will get there, someday!
I am so, so sorry that you have been in a funk too. Your day sounds awful. The work issues (seriously, they just…quit?) and the weather and the kids and the renovations? Any one of those could send someone over the edge, but to deal with them all at the same time is a special kind of torture. I hope that your time with your magic bags (seriously, love the name) helped, and that the hot shower and mindless show helped even more.
Oh, and this – “finding it very hard to not feel obligated to feel productive every waking minute so I don’t even truly enjoy the leisure time I have”? I know this feeling so well. It is so hard to enjoy any downtime when you feel that pressure to always, always do SOMEthing. The voice in my head gets particularly strident about that kind of situation – “Why are you sitting and reading when you could be [cleaning out the closet, going through those bins of things on the bookshelf, working, cleaning, etc.]” And yet we need that rest! It’s probably why we are both in a funk and feeling burned out.
I hope that your week improved. I hope that your weekend has a bit of relaxation (and not just playdates) built into it. I hope you got some sleep, and that you stayed warm, and that you were able to find some joy in a cheesy holiday movie. And yes, the streamed concert helped. Music is balm for the soul.
I hope you get to PEI! I haven’t been in years and it is such a shame as the island is lovely, and I can drive there is less than 4 hours. A goal for 2022, perhaps. Our son has never even been, which seems extra sad because my husband grew up on PEI.
Still definitely in a funk, but feeling a bit better? Just a lot of things to juggle at once, and I think with sleep being hit-or-miss and all the ongoing fatigue from COVID (an outbreak in a town not too far away, and I can almost feel the hammer starting the drop; the university where I work might switch all exams to online and some of my friends are terrified they’re going to have to adjust all their exams to being open book at the last minute).
All I can do is put one foot in front of another. One day at a time…!
I’m envious of how close you are to PEI – and hope that you do get there next year. That said, I also hope that this latest wave (sigh, how many is it now?) recedes fairly quickly. My father is hoping that the fact that illness seems milder with this version means that the virus is starting to become more like a cold virus. I’m withholding judgement, though – honestly, how many times have we thought we have the darn thing in our grasp, only for it to somehow break free???
I’m still in a funk, too, to be honest. I wound up canceling my trip east to see my family, even though I knew it was a bit of an overreaction. It just did not seem like the most responsible choice right now, so… Sigh. Felt like I disappointed everyone but I also didn’t want to put anyone at risk. Sigh, again. I can sympathize with your friends and the potential effects of all of this on their jobs and their work with their students. My class is finished for the semester, thank goodness, but I am teaching 2 in the spring. So far, in person, but we shall see…
And yes, one foot in front of the other. Sometimes – always? – the only way through is through. Take care.
They’ve officially canceled/moved all exams online at the university where I work (doesn’t impact me too much because I work in the research side of things). But still…
The kids are finishing school two days early (and already were going back to school two days late in January). Things are spiraling more with COVID here BUT it does seem like Omicron might be a bit milder which is generally a sign of the winddown stages of a pandemic. I’m mostly telling myself that to feel some optimism going into 2022.
I’m so sorry you had to cancel your trip; so many decisions that have to be considered as so many different levels.
And yes – I’ve already done up my 21 for 2021 goal list…but maybe I should add one more to get over to PEI.
Oh, Elisabeth. I’m so sorry that omicron is rampaging through NS. And I’m so sorry that it’s affecting the kids and your workplace and…. sigh. I’m trying to hold on to that optimism, too. Are you boosted, yet? I just got mine a week ago and so still waiting for full effect. (Hence the delayed trip east…)
I’m just going to gently point out that your 21 for 2021 list could morph into 22 for 2022 and easily accommodate a side trip to PEI! 🙂 (Kidding, of course.) I’ve set a goal for myself – hope to write about it tomorrow, as I’ve neglected the blog this week – to seek out some local adventures. I’ve been really pathetically isolated for the last almost 2 years and it’s time to get to know this city and the area much better.
Take care, and be safe. I get the impression that Canadians are at least doing better in adhering to protocols, and choosing to get vaccinated, but I know that it can still be scary.
I’m in a funk and have basically just started applying to jobs because I think I need a change! I’m also hoping that I get to take some time off between Christmas and New Year’s and that will help. Sometimes we just need some time off.
Oh, my, the funk is widespread right now. I’m sorry it’s hit you, too. I know that feeling like you need to escape, like you need something – ANYTHING – to change. It sounds like some time off would be a really good thing for you. I hope it happens! Resting your brain and stepping away is so good for all of us. Now, if I could just take my own advice… 🙂
I always claim that Christmas is my favorite time of the year, but lately (as in, the last couple of years), I have had a really tough time getting into the Christmas spirit… time (the year) disappeared entirely too fast (wasn’t it just Christmas?) and I feel like I can’t get everything done that I’d like to get done.
Finding little moments of joy every day (be it another cup of coffee, a few more minutes in the hot shower, or heck, enjoying a fake TV fire place) to feel a little bit more grounded makes all the difference.
I am right there with you. I haven’t felt very Christmas-y the last few years. I am not a church goer so I don’t have that to look forward to, and honestly, there’s no point (for me) in decorating my apartment. I’m not really a decorator type person, anyway. But this year it’s harder, I think – even more than last year. I thought we’d be past “all of this” by now but it’s pretty clear we’re not.
Knowing that, I’m still trying to find the joy in every day but there are some days it’s harder than others. I hope that you’re able to find those moments for yourself. Coffee, the next thing on my morning to-do list, is definitely one of those things. 🙂
I’m sorry you’ve been in a funk! As you know, I went through something very similar in the fall and it’s just so hard to dig yourself out of that feeling. It feels never-ending sometimes! I hope you are finding little pockets of goodness amidst the funkiness, though. It’s really hard to do that, but so helpful too. <3 Hang in there, friend!
Thanks, Stephany! I know you had a really difficult time earlier this fall and I am hopeful that things are looking up for me, too. Finding the moments of joy – or creating them! – is so important for me, and I think for all of us. Right now I am overloaded on (bad) news and need to remind myself to just. step. away. It’s hard, though, when I love learning about new things – but when they are mostly negative, well, it’s not doing me much good. I do have a bit of a break from work meetings coming up over the holiday week so I’m looking forward to that. And, of course, your posts (and your pics of your girls on IG!!!) always lift my spirits. <3 I feel so lucky to have found this community, as I keep saying.