I have been conspicuously (or, perhaps, inconspicuously) absent from this space for the last two weeks.
They’ve been interesting ones, requiring me to use courage in ways that I didn’t anticipate at the beginning of the year. I was going to write about my reflections on last year this morning, and what I learned about myself in doing so. I was going to write about how I anticipate courage coming into my life this year.
Instead, oof, I feel like I really need to focus on the last two weeks. They’ve been… how can I put this? Let’s go with “challenging”. It seemed like work, the weather, and myriad other things were conspiring against me and most of my coworkers in the last two weeks. So many meetings, so many things to decide, so much time spent in Zoom calls with various groups of people. It happens every year around this time, so it’s not completely out of the ordinary. But man, it hit harder this year, and I am not sure why.
Regardless, these past two weeks required me to show up and be courageous in ways that I hadn’t anticipated. The courage to speak up in meetings. The courage to lead a potentially contentious discussion on behalf of a friend who’d already been in the line of fire from the group doing the discussing. The courage to commit to an invited presentation (one that was advertised and everything – yikes!) then engage in live discussion with a co-presenter. The courage to admit that I majorly screwed up the analysis for a particular study (sigh…).
So much time out of my comfort zone and yet, I realize that it’s necessary for my growth, for me to change.
And now I need to find the courage to do the same in my personal life. I started thinking this weekend how I wanted courage to integrate into my life this year. I know that I want to work (more) on courage at work, as well as courage in my personal life / at home. I know that I need to find the courage to change, if in fact I want things to change.
I’m not quite there yet – I don’t know what this will look like, exactly. But I hope the end result gives me some insights into who I am now, and who I want to be, and how I can bridge the gap between them.
There’s not much substance here, and I’m sorry for it. But these thoughts are still pretty nebulous… and it’s hard to be much more definitive than I’ve been.
So instead, I’ll leave you with a quote…
Nothing keeps us from changing more than our tendency — our willingness — to remain locked into versions of ourselves, into personae and identities barred in by heavy leaden rods of self-righteousness. Too often, we’d rather be right than understand — ourselves or others or the world — but it is only understanding, which only grows by leaps and bounds of wrong guesses and failed theories, that firms our grasp of reality.
~Anne Lamott
I’m sorry that the last couple of weeks have been so hard, but I’m happy to hear you’ve been able to courageously face those challenges!!
It hasn’t been an easy couple of weeks, but I’m glad they are over. It was interesting to look back at them through the lens of courage, though. I wouldn’t have thought it would have shown up as much as it did… so that is actually a bit heartening. I’ve also realized that as I become more “senior” (HA) in my school, I’ll be taking on more of these responsibilities, so I think of it as strengthening my courage for the future, too. 🙂
You always sound so stressed out and overwhelmed and I’m so sorry about that. 🙁 Committing to a planned presentation like that sounds VERY courageous to me! Well done indeed no matter what you screwed up.
The planned presentation definitely got me out of my comfort zone. I still have not heard back from my co-presenter (I emailed them to say how much I appreciated the opportunity to present alongside them, and that I hoped they also enjoyed the session), but I’m trying not to read into that too much. And, I totally bring this stress on myself – I am chronically unable to say no. What I need is someone to run interference for me, but since that’s not coming, I’m going to have to start doing it for myself. 🙂 I hope that things are calming down a bit for you, too. <3
Sadly, nothing is calm, and won’t be for a while. But spring is coming, and have good things to focus on, so I can create some calm by focusing on that.
Oh, I am so sorry to hear that. I have to make my way to your blog to find out what’s up. (Or, you know, just send you an email…:>)
Thinking of you. LOVE your pics on Instagram, by the way. <3
Sorry the last few weeks have been tough. But kudos for finding courage to get through them. Sometimes the only way through is through; sometimes the only thing to do is show up and do our best!
Saying “No” is one of the hardest things I’ve had to learn as an adult. I feel like I’m sometimes *too* good at this and say “No” too quickly, but I have to be so careful how much I add to my plate.
All the best. Onward and upward!
Oooh, perhaps you could teach me how to say no. I think I need to shift to “no, unless it REALLY needs to be yes”. I also tend to say yes when I know that doing so will alleviate some pressure on an overstretched colleague (meaning, one more overstretched than me…).
I was shocked at how often courage showed up when I looked back. I was really just trying to get through the month, but it turns out that I put myself “out there” more than I realized. No wonder I have been so tired!
Onward and upward, indeed! (I say that, too… :>)
Sounds like February was a great month of growth for you! These challenges always seem impossible in the moment but you got through them and that’s something to be so proud of. Hoping that March is an easier month for you!
Thanks, Gretchen. My calendar for next week is already filling up but after that, fingers crossed, I Hope for a tiny bit of calm.
I hope you are enjoying early spring in the near-South!
I’m sorry it’s been a rough few weeks for you, but I’m proud of you for being able to exercise your courage muscle! I hope things start settling down for you soon. <3
I hope they settle down, too, although I hit full-on “deer in headlights” status the other day and haven’t quite emerged from it yet… 😐
That said, it was really interesting to look back to see where/how courage did show up. Sometimes we need a lot of it just to get through the day… Take care, as always.
I am so sorry to hear you had a couple of rough weeks. I definitely feel you on the courage piece. I am so bad at standing up for myself and saying no, even though I no “logically” that it makes you look stronger in front of your peers. I also committed to a planned presentation last week too and I want to say that in the end, it went well and I know that it was good practice for me .
I hope you felt the same about your presentation. Pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone is hard but it’s oh-so-necessary sometimes to move forward and get more confident. It’s uncomfortable, but so worth it in the end. I am cheering for you.
Oh, man, it was not easy to put myself out there! So glad you get it – and you clearly have had similar experiences! Commitment does make me leave my comfort zone, which can be (or, well, IS) a good thing. I don’t know that I came out of it with more confidence but it was a bit of a boost seeing the comments about “two awesome women!” and things like that (my co-presenter was also a woman). So yes, it definitely worked out well, but not without some significant anxiety and (of course) worry. It wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have that! Ha. Thanks so much for your long-distance support – it means a lot. <3