…for what seems to be the millionth time. Sigh.

Also, wow. I didn’t expect to be away for a month. Over a month, to be honest. This month turned out to be one of the most challenging yet of my working life. Personally, professionally, spiritually, and physically. As a result, I haven’t shown up here, and that I haven’t shown up for myself. I’ve neglected this blog, and the joy I get out of interacting with those of you who still come to read. I’ve neglected my physical and psychological health, by never taking days off from physical exercise or work. And I’ve neglected my personal growth by not spending time with my own thoughts, journaling, and thinking about bigger ideas. I honestly don’t know the last time I have taken the time to write out my thoughts.

It’s been a long month of juggling endless balls and fretting constantly that one or more will drop.

It’s been a long month of loving the NaBloPoMo posts (yes, I am still working through them), yet not being able to share as many thoughts or comments as I would, otherwise. And thereby losing another connection with a community that means so much to me.

And it’s been a long month of persistent roller-coaster times at work, being buffeted by unexpected challenges that have emerged and taken precedence over what I really want to be doing.

When I came here today, I intended to simply start a new post. And I happened upon this untitled draft, with a quote placeholder. I do this when I know I want to address a particular topic but don’t (sigh) have time to, or (better in a way), don’t know what I want to say, exactly.

The quote in this formerly untitled draft – placed here, as best I can tell, in October – was this one:

It was Seneca reminding his friend Lucilius, “The mind must be given relaxation. It will rise improved and sharper after a good break. Just as rich fields must not be forced…so constant work on the anvil will fracture the force of the mind.”

Well, shoot. There goes my past self, again, anticipating what future me was going to do.

And, it’s not like it’s completely unexpected, after all, I’ve been here before, multiple times. I say I want to show up here more, or engage more with the world, or (pick goal of anything other than work-work-work and stress-stress-stress)…

And I consistently fail at those goals. This tendency of mine – as I say, to talk a good game, but not take the required action(s) – led me to ask my therapist, in our last session, “WHY is it so hard for me to change? Why can I only talk about what I want to do, but not actually do what I want to do?” The resulting discussion was… let’s just say enlightening. 🙂

So I’m not going to promise to show up here everyday. Although maybe that would break me out of my blogging lull and journaling breakdown. But I am going to try to actually do what I need and want to do for my health (all aspects of it, as noted above). I’m going to try, at least for the next few weeks, to give my mind a bit more relaxation, a bit more time on the blog, in my journal, and doing what I find enjoyable (other than work, because despite everything I just said, I still enjoy what I do).

I know most people will be taking time off over the holidays. This will, I hope, give me a bit of time to catch up on blog reading and learn more about what’s going on in your lives now, vs. a month ago. I actually hope to post a bit more frequently about all the things I’ve wanted to share but haven’t taken the time to, you know, actually share.

I also hope to get a bit more sleep, a bit more fun reading time, and a bit less work. Wish me luck on that one, as you’ve all heard that refrain before…

And, to shift the doom-and-gloom nature of this post, sharing something that made me laugh today, which is Boxing Day for certain parts of the world. I read an article by a Canadian (Hi Nicole! Hi Elisabeth!), who asked (logically), why don’t Americans celebrate Boxing Day? This paragraph is at the end of that article:

Not to offend anyone but I’ve always been bewildered that Americans have passed up the chance to add another holiday to the calendar, especially one dedicated to self-indulgence. Maybe Boxing Day is one of those Canadian things, like Coffee Crisp and the Tragically Hip, that seem as if they would work perfectly well in the U.S. but just don’t translate.

This made me laugh primarily because I have a long-standing love for Mars bars, especially, but also for other British and Canadian chocolates. Perhaps the best way to get away from my neverending self-pressure and ever-lengthening to-do list is to emigrate to Canada and not let anyone know where I am… plus, I could indulge in all of the non-American chocolate my little heart desires. 😉

Take care, my friends. I hope, if you celebrate, you had a wonderful Christmas with those you love most. And if you don’t celebrate, I hope you took the chance to enjoy the holiday and spend time doing what you wanted to do. <3