I try very hard not to make dumb decisions. Despite my best intentions, though…they happen.
Last Friday was one of those times. I was at a conference in Des Moines (I thought about not saying where, but since location is key to my dumb decision, it didn’t make sense…). I went down Thursday, had a wonderful day Friday (poster presentation, catching up with former students and colleagues, and even some current colleagues who I see infrequently), and then drove home Friday night. I needed to be home for the weekend not only to work, but also because I really need to be in my routine as much as possible right now. Life is (still) crazy, and it’s one of the things that’s keeping me (mostly?) sane.
So, let’s put the pieces together: Friday afternoon departure. From Des Moines (in the middle of Iowa, for the geographically unsure). And a weather forecast that was, shall we say, not ideal. They were calling for severe thunderstorms and there were tornado warnings. But when I looked at the timing, and the predictions, it seemed like my planned departure would work well. The storms should have moved through by then, and I’d be in the clear for my 5-hour drive home.
You should probably start shaking your head about now, if you’re a shaking-the-head kind of person.
Let’s just say it was a…challenging ride home. The storms were in front of me, sure – when I started. But then I started to catch up to them. And just over an hour into my trip, I found myself on a 2-lane highway in, well, a deluge. So I pulled over, like a good midwestern driver, along with all of the other good midwestern drivers on the road.
It eased up, I moved on, and then, half an hour later, really dark skies and…was that hail? My car may be almost 11 years old but… hail damage was not something I really wanted to deal with right now. I managed to find one of the few overpasses on the road and pulled mostly under it to save my car from the worst of it.
And when it eased up, I moved on. Sensing a pattern here? There was wind (so much wind), there was rain on and off, there were a few stupid drivers. But I kept white-knuckling through, determined to get home. And I did get home – obviously, as I’m writing this post. But it got me thinking about how I am the type of person who, when I make a decision, I pretty much stick with it. I am not the kind of person to second-guess, or change my mind. It takes me forever to MAKE a decision, sure. But once it’s made? It’s done.
I’m wondering whether this is always the best approach. It works well for many things – make a decision, commit, and move on. But for other choices, perhaps a more nuanced approach is better? The option to revisit the choice I made and see if it’s still the right choice for me.
Despite my tendency to stick with my choices, I have changed my mind and made a different choice more in my career than in any other area of my life. So far, it’s worked out…okay. I haven’t talked about my long and winding work history, but let’s just say that the years just before I came here were a bit more unsettled, and I made some choices that I do question, even 7 years later.
I’m wondering if I need to give myself permission to, well, make different choices in other areas of my life. Maybe this hard-headed tendency to stick with it at all costs isn’t the best option. Maybe I should think about different options, choices, approaches… and the ways those might impact my life. This is probably most relevant, right now, to my chronic overwork situation. Definitely some food for thought…
A few random quotes to end this… although I will come back to it, for sure.
It’s okay that life is messy. It’s okay that we take wrong turns all the time, even get lost once in a while. It’s okay that we’re still learning how to do it better, or make a different choice. As a beloved friend said recently, “Don’t let perfection get in the way of what’s good.” ~Melanie Harth (note: this was from something I saved in 2016…and is one reason I love my digital “scrapbook” of quotes and articles in Evernote…)
This one resonates even more, from Ozan Varol:
What you want from your life can also change as the world changes around you and as you change as a person. In fact, pursuing your curiosity will inevitably change you, by taking you off the path you’ve followed in the past and introducing you to new ways of being in the world. As long as you choose it intentionally, there’s nothing wrong with changing your direction.
Oh weather…I’ve made the wrong call plenty of times. I’ve hunkered down when I should have gone and gone when I should have stayed. Hey we all do the best that we can with the information that we have at the time – and I’m not talking about driving in bad weather at this point.
This is so very, very true. I know that I made the decision based on what I knew at the time, and that the situation simply changed while I was driving. That doesn’t stop the second-guessing (or white-knuckling), though. 🙂 I think my current problem is relying on old information even though the situation has changed – and I’m not talking about weather and driving, either. It’s like I don’t want to change the story I am telling myself, so I just… ignore the new info and plow ahead, heedless of whether it’s the right choice for me in the *current* situation. That, I think, is what I need/want to change. How? Well, that’s the question…
I’m a lot like you – I make a decision and then stick to it even when it no longer makes sense, purely because I “said” I was going to do it.
I’m so glad you made it home safely – I hate, hate, hate driving in bad weather (and heavy rain is likely my least favourite of all conditions).
Back to the broader implications of this, I do think that for the most part we all try to make the best decisions given the information we have; while different personalities respond to different information in different ways, I also think we need to give ourselves grace. You thought the weather forecast was going to work out okay. You took a calculated risk (and had to regroup and drive in very stilted ways)…but I do suspect you thought through your decision from various angles and made the best one for the current time!
I’m reading several books about how our society is one chronically overworked and under-slept. It’s really hard not to…be busy! I really hope you get some relief on the work front, as I know it has been a very intensive season for you <3
Thanks, Elisabeth. I was so grateful to pull into my (dry) parking garage and go up to my apartment (with power) and go to bed. (Before that, though, I was exceptionally grateful for a calming spoonful of peanut butter with a piece of chocolate… never underestimate the power of pb+chocolate to soothe one’s soul, at least not mine!)
My stubbornness is what drives me bonkers. I know, that sounds weird. But it’s like I KNOW I need to change, that it’s in my best interest, and I just… keep going, heedless of the new information or new context that makes change a Very Good Idea. I’m wondering if, instead of Atomic Habits, I need to read How to Change instead. 🙂
And oh, the overwork. If I could change one thing… sigh. I’ve been saying that for years. What books are you reading? Will you be sharing on ye olde blog? 🙂
Oh geesh! That sounds so scary and I am relieved you made it home okay (and avoided hail damage).
And definitely some food for thought! Being flexible can be a good thing!
It was super-scary. The hail left marks but I can get them off if I wash the car. Hm. Maybe I’ll do that this weekend, now that I think about it…
Flexibility is good, rigidity is good in some situations but persistent rigidity in the face of new information may not be my best attribute. 🙂 I’m definitely a work in progress!
Oh, the weather in Iowa was so bad on Friday! We have family in Iowa City, the Quad Cities, and Dubuque, and the family text string was off the charts. I’m glad you made it through safely.
I’m a person who is not confident in my decisions, so I frequently abort. If I had been in your shoes, I bet I would not have made it farther than Iowa City before I bailed and got a hotel room. But that’s because I’m a baby about driving, bad weather, and trusting my own instincts. I think it’s probably better that you’re more confident about things than I am!
It was so weird! Google maps took me north out of Des Moines and put me on 6. I was totally cool with that, looking at the radar (and then the damage, the next day) in Coralville, Iowa City, and Solon. So the storms were south and east of me, and I thought I was in the clear, until I got on 30 towards CR. That’s where it went downhill. I would have stopped except that the weather was moving SO fast that I knew I’d eventually be okay. And I was, but it still wasn’t the smartest choice. 😉 (Maybe there is a happy medium between you and me? Someone who would get off and eat a meal or something to let the weather pass?)
My stubbornness is well-documented… I just need to do a better job of figuring out when it doesn’t really serve me anymore.
Ugh, driving in bad weather conditions always makes me second-guess all of my life choices that got me here, haha. I’m glad you made it home safely and soundly, and that you were smart about getting off the road when the weather was so bad.
I can also be a very stubborn and very hard-headed person, and I’m also someone who is a creature of habit, so changing things is very scary for me (and one of my biggest anxiety triggers). For me, it’s been much easier to make changes in my personal life than in my career. I’ve been at the same job for 10 years – that’s not common in my industry at ALL. But I have been able to grow, I make a good salary, and it’s so flexible with my life which I love. But am I staying here because it’s comfortable? I don’t know. It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot.
We are totally the same when it comes to stubbornness AND anxiety about change, Stephany. When things rile up my happy-habit world, it throws me for the biggest loop. Funny, though, that you’ve made changes in your personal life and I’ve made changes in my work life. I NEED to make changes in my personal life, but find that I don’t want to take the steps to actually make those changes? That sounds so stupid but… it’s where I am. Sigh. Maybe a topic for my next therapy appt… 😉
Oh, being on the highway in weather like that is terrifying. We were heading to a wedding – this was back in 2016 – and when we left the airport to make the two-hour drive on a two-lane highway, it was about 9pm and the weather was fine. And then we experienced the craziest prairie electrical storm ever. Sheets of rain, lightning that would light up the whole sky and then plunge us into total darkness, semi trailers coming in the other direction, we couldn’t pull over because there was no shoulder, and then the wind started coming in crazily. I actually thought we might die. Aieeeee! We were in the middle of nowhere with nowhere to stop!
Holy cow, Nicole, that sounds terrifying. I was actually most frightened by the wind at one point on this drive – I was afraid that something large (e.g., metal thing that I saw blowing along the side of the road) would hit my car, with unknown consequences. Approaching semis on a 2-lane highway are terrifying in normal circumstances; throw in weather and storms and it’s 100x worse. I’m so, so glad you made it through that drive.
And, from what I remember, you made some BIG changes in your life and career, right? I need to dig back in your blog and find your stories… I know we are the same age but you seem so much more at peace with your life and choices than me, and I’d love to know how you got to that point. <3
Oh I can very much relate about that stubbornness of sticking to a decision. Well, not all the time but at least once in. my life. And it defined it all.
After high school I wanted to study American history and political science. I applied to many universities but wasn’t accepted or at least not for the coming year… I also had a signed contract for an apprenticeship in advertising. So I gave myself until end of May to make a decision. Only to have my dream university admit me June 2nd. Take a a guess. I never went to university…
I was thinking, maybe you could re-evaluate your decisions under a certain aspect. E.g. is it safe, does it put me at risk, will it harm me… Then this home driving trip might have called for readjusting. I guess in other areas it would work too. For me that would seem like I can give myself permission to change my mind but not in all areas.
Tobia, I completely get the “was this the right choice?” second-guessing. It would have been so hard for me to stick to my decision and not go to the university that offered admission… And yet, you have made a wonderful life (it seems) after that decision. So, in hindsight, was that the right one for you?
I like your idea of stepwise re-evaluation… and thinking about how I can apply it in “big” and “small” decisions/choices/habits… Hm…I also like the idea of giving myself permission to change. Ponder ponder…
I know this is from earlier this month, but I just had to comment! Decision-making is such a weird thing, no? I can either make one in an instant or I’m wracked with doubt and frozen. I have to wonder if I’d do better with a more measured approach: think some things through, reconsider and recalculate (a skill leaned from my GPS), or even wait some things out without being in a spiral…
I think you make a really good point, Lindsay, about taking a measured approach. For me, the issue is that once I commit I stick – stubbornly – to that decision. Your “reconsider and recalculate” is EXACTLY what I was thinking as I wrote this. Why am I resistant to recalculating, or reconsidering? It’s not like anyone is going to think less of me for (gasp!) changing my mind. And yet… I had my heart set on going home that night, being in my happy place and… yeah. It’s a struggle, for sure. Clearly I have not yet figured it out!
I’m the queen of dumb decisions. But I don’t think yours was dumb. What should you have done? Turning back when you were already on your way could have been even more dumb.
I’ve been following a running blogger in Iowa for a while and from what I see on her blog, the weather there is absolutely insane! Talking about weather, when we go to Italy we like to drive to this nice little town in the mountains, and then on the way back we go another way to pass another little town that we really like. Driving over that mountain range to the second time, we ALWAYS get into rough weather. Once (I think my parents were with us) the rain was so hard we had to stop and wait for it to calm down. The the hail came! It was actually quite scary! But when we arrived to the other little town the temperature was 18C (64F) instead of 38 (about 100F) so the bad weather was a good thing for some of us…
Oh, my goodness, Susanne, that sounds terrifying. Mountains and rain and then HAIL? I would have been expecting frogs to start raining down at that point. I’m glad you made it through okay. And you make a good point – what could I have done at that point? I mean, I guess if I HAD to get off the road, then I could have stopped and tried to find a place to stay that night. But it didn’t quite reach that level of need, so… I persisted. Stubbornness… one of the things I like most about myself, but also one of the most challenging aspects of my personality! I do wonder, though, if I ever had a bad outcome from one of my decisions, would that change me? Or would I simply return to how I am after dealing with the aftermath of whatever-it-is… Hm…
Well, here’s a question. What were your options, once you started driving? I think you kind of had to see it through. I guess the choice to start driving at all was the iffy one, but I would have done the same thing. I would have wanted to get home, so ignored- or chose to interpret the weather forecast in a certain way. All’s well that ends well!
I agree that in life though, we need to be flexible. It’s always a tough call- whether to stick it out or change course. I don’t think anyone has the answers to that, but I like the quotes you included!
I completely agree, Jenny. The time to make the decision not to go was when I hauled it out of Des Moines. And, at that point, the weather did look like it was all to the east and moving away rather quickly. And yes, all’s well that ends well!
I suspect I will keep screwing this up – in other words, sticking to my choice when I should have changed course – for the rest of my life. Although, thinking about it, does *anyone* truly get it right all of the time? I seriously doubt it. So, maybe I’m normal (at least in this aspect of my life) after all! 😉
Well, first of all, I am so glad you made it home okay.
There is definitely something to be said about making a decision and committing to something ( I am very much NOT a quitter), but I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way) that it’s not always wise (nor necessary) to stick to an original plan when circumstances change. I think, being flexible in these situations is sometimes more important than sticking to a plan. The hard part is to decide when this is the case 😉
Thank you, San. <3
I'm glad to know I'm not the only stick-to-my choices person out there... no wonder we all like each other so much! 🙂
And, as to your last point - precisely. That's the challenge. I just replied to Jenny and said that I seriously doubt ANYONE always makes the 'right' choice. Plus, the 'right' choice can (and does) change over time. Maybe this is all just part of the human condition - survival despite our bad choices? That makes me feel a bit better for being stubborn. 😉