A few weeks ago, Engie (Hi Engie!) posted about her collection of bowls, and whether that makes her a collector of things. I left a long-winded comment, as is my wont, because her post made me start thinking about whether I consider myself a collector.
I grew up in a family of collectors. My father has, believe it or not, one of the larger collections of antique spectacles and related material in the country. My mother always claimed that she does not collect anything, but well, let’s just say her collections of snowmen, cookbooks, and other ephemera tend to say otherwise. 😉
I used to attach a lot of sentiment to objects. I was a saver – of newspaper articles, cards from others – and a collector – of cow paraphernalia, of all things. I rarely got rid of anything. I’d go through it and “organize” it but there was never a time when I truly got rid of things.
And then something changed. I’m not sure when this happened, but it seems to be a product of my frequent moves as an adult (until this location… I’ve lived here longer than any other location post-HS) and realizing things aren’t memories. Memories are memories. I can get rid of a card from a loved one (well, save for the truly special ones) and still know that they love me. I can read a book and donate it, or take it back to the half price bookstore. I can get rid of clothing, even if it has a sentimental tie, because if I’m not wearing it, what function does it serve?
This hit home when I saw my ex’s new place in the fall. When we were together, we verged into tchotchke land. Lots of folk art, unique pieces, antiques that spoke to us, and so on. Because of the sequence of events that led to our eventual split, he wound up with the vast majority of the stuff – we moved to two different places from one shared place and his place was MUCH bigger, plus, we considered that our “home”, an my place as merely temporary.
I looked around his home and realized, I don’t want most of these things.
I don’t want the folk art sculptures that graced our table tops and cabinets. I don’t want the wedding dishes or silverware or napkins. I don’t want a full set of dishes – I get by just fine with my small set. And so on.
And so… now I have to figure out what I’m going to do about all the stuff that I need to make a decision on. Some in a storage closet here that I need to go through. Antique books my father (a true collector) bought me; some I will keep, of course, but the vast majority, no. The things that were “mine” from our marriage, currently stored in my ex’s basement. So many old photos. So much… stuff.
It’s a daunting task. I feel like I’m going to be death cleaning even though, well, I’m not planning to shuffle off this mortal coil any time soon.
But I really need – and want – to do it. To get rid of things. To clear physical space in my world.
Why? Is it that I want a ‘clean’ start? Is it that external order (should) lead to internal peace and calm? Is it that my stuff doesn’t reflect who I am anymore? Am I trying to break from my old life (or, really, lives)?
I don’t know. But what I do know is that I value the memories. The love. The relationships. Not the things. Material representations have their value, to be sure. I just don’t need quite so many of them.
I feel a pressing need to find the time to Just Do This Thing. To go through everything and ruthlessly weed out those items that I no longer need or want. Even better if they can be used by someone else, who actually wants or needs them.
“Clutter is a manifestation of a) holding onto the past and b) fear of what might happen in the future.”
Leo Babauta
Nothing like a quote to get me thinking…
It’ll be an interesting – but necessary – journey. Now I just need to take the first step!
Well, I have a little story here. When my parents died (a little over a year apart) my sister and I had to clean out their house. There was so, much. junk. Just for example… my mom had saved every letter or card anyone ever sent her- I mean, literally. I’m not exaggerating. We started to go through them and it was just so overwhelming, we threw it all away. And that was just the mail. Then there were books, photographs… I could go on and on. At first my sister and I were discussing what we would each take for ourselves, and then my sister said “you know, I don’t want anything. I have my memories.”
Now when I’m tempted to save things, I imagine my kids having to go through it all someday. Most of it’s going to end up in the trash anyway- why not get rid of it now, so I can enjoy a clutter-free house? Not that I’m entirely succeeding in this- but I’m better than I used to be. Good luck with it!
This is a perfect story that I need to hear right now! I don’t even have kids – so likely my niblings would have to deal with it, and that’s not fair to them, either! The hard things for me will be the photos and the tangible things (vs. things like letters, cards, etc.). In part, that’s because I have NO CLUE what to do with the things, and I don’t even know what half of them are! This is why I need to just get into that storage closet, find out what’s here, and go from there. I can do it, right? (Please tell me I can do it!)
Ugh. The photos, old certificates from high school, and random tchotchkes that live in totes under our beds kills me. I need to go through them and do some decluttering, but I’m not sure I’m going to be able to convince myself to get rid of anything. I mean, what does it say if I just throw out the photos of that wedding where I was a bridesmaid, but I haven’t spoken to the couple in a decade, so maybe it’s not that meaningful? And then I tangle myself up in the fact that I have the memories and don’t need the physical thing.
My husband is a minimalist, so he doesn’t have these totes and totes of memories.
I think it’s interesting that you’ve found you’ve changed perspective on these types of objects. It’s interesting to think about if this would have happened if other things were different in your life (if you’d never been in a certain relationship, if you were in a relationship), but I guess we can’t live our lives with what might have been.
I did okay with the stuff to which you refer – getting rid of random photos, keeping those that are important in my life, etc. I suspect I have more than I realize, though, given that my stuff is scattered among 3 places – my ex’s house, my apartment & storage closet, and my parents’ attic. This really highlights my nomadic lifestyle, now that I think of it!
Maybe we should start a support group – literally, supporting each other as we clean out. 😉
I think it’s interesting that I’ve changed, too. Do you really never think back to how your life would have been different if…? I do that all the time – maybe because I continue to berate myself for some of my not-so-great choices. When I think about it, if my life had continued on the trajectory I imagined when I got married, it would look NOTHING like it does now. That would have affected whether I kept or got rid of things, for sure.
OK, I have to know – what does your minimalist spouse think of your ‘stuff’?
I liked reading this! We are in the process of moving, not just to a new house, but to a new province. I have been going through all our stuff and I find there are things that are completely unnecessary that I just cannot throw out. Like, Christmas cards. I have boxes of them. And books, I cannot seem to donate books. Well, I have donated some, but some I just have emotional attachments to. On the other hand, I have been culling and donating many things so I’m not in hoarder mode, at least I don’t think so.
I have a full set of china from one of my grandmothers, which I never use. I should really get rid of it…especially because I have another full set coming down the pipe soon. But I know my grandmas both had such pride in their china, having the fancy expensive china that they collected for YEARS, and so that really gives me pause. I don’t know what the answer is but probably it’s not “just store this china in a box until I die.”
Oh, Nicole. This must be so hard for you – you’ve lived where you are for such a long time! I hope that it is a positive move? For good reasons? And I am kind of dying to know to which province you are relocating! (Maybe there is an update on the blog and, because I am so far behind, I haven’t read it yet…:>)
You and my parents are peas in a pod. For all the things you listed, I thought, I’d get rid of that easily. But remember, my life has taken very different turns! You have a family – kids – family heirlooms. I have managed to, well, dodge all of that primarily because I don’t live near my parents. And, they’re quite good at recognizing that my brother and I do not need or want most if not all of their stuff. I also don’t have the long family history of inherited items that others seem to have – nothing from my grandparents, or other relatives in previous generations. They didn’t have much, so they didn’t pass on much, either. I love that you have that family history and that you treasure it. The world needs people like you, for sure – you’re the ones who carry on those legacies!
I love that quote! And it will feel so good when you make time to do this! I think it will be a weight lifted off you didn’t know was there. My family are all collectors and give me stuff often and I… just don’t want all the stuff. But I have so much and am constantly trying to shed. Good luck!
Thanks… I’ll need it! And I know this month is NOT when this is going to happen. It just needs to happen sooner rather than later. This summer, for sure. Along with everything else I need to do. 😉
Totally sympathize with the family members giving you stuff. My parents’ love language is gifts. Mine is … not gifts. You can see the conundrum here. (My solution has been to ask for “experiences”, or something I was already planning to buy myself, LOL…)
Oh we have SO MUCH STUFF. It’s overwhelming. My favorite thing to do is to declutter with a timer or with a set amount of donation bags to fill. It doesn’t solve the whole problem, but at least it feels manageable. In Madison, the moving company Two Men and a Truck will come get your stuff for a fee (fee depends on how much truck space your stuff takes up) and then they sort it and decide what gets tossed, what’s donated, and what’s recycled. We used them when we finally sold our condo and our tenants left everything behind, and I want to use them again to clean out our basement storage rooms.
Oooh, good to know that TMAAT does that! Thanks for the tip. I don’t have a lot right now – no space – but because there is more stuff out there in the world that is technically mine (ha) I know I’ll have to deal with this someday.
I can’t imagine how much stuff you accumulate and then need to ditch with 5 kids! The clothing alone would send me into a corner, for sure.
I find that too much visual clutter weighs me down tremendously emotionally. Outer order really does equal inner calm for me.
I am DEEPLY sentimental but tend to be sentimental about memories or smells or tastes, not physical items. I also make photobooks each year, which are a great way to preserve memories (I’ll take pictures of kids’ artwork, for example), without having to add to clutter. We all have memory boxes – the kids each have a large tote filled with special things but, for the most part, I have a very easy time getting rid of extra things.
I completely agree with you on the visual clutter issue, Elisabeth. I get into what I call “OCD mode” (terrible phrasing but it gets the point across…), during which I am completely overwhelmed by clutter/messiness/etc. in some area of my home or life. And then I fixate on it until I resolve the issue. The problem is, this usually occurs when I am tired, or getting ready for bed, or just avoiding doing something else.
I tend to be sentimental about words, of all things. I used to be terrible about hanging on to cards, letters, etc., that I never looked at after I read them the first time, but the thought of recycling them made me anxious. I’ve gotten over it, save for things from a select few people. The sentimentality is starting to spill over into my emails with my parents, so I need to figure out a way to identify “special” emails from them vs. the mundane everyday emails. Love your idea of memory boxes – with tangible things, that makes so much sense! I have a few – and definitely need to consolidate them into one larger box. I’ll add it to the organization task list. 😉
Stuff!!! My parents and I have been shuffling family heirlooms from house to house. They dumped – uh sorry I mean GAVE – me a bunch of stuff when they moved, then it all went back to them when I moved in with the hubs.
I don’t have the perfect answer, but I’ve found that sometimes it works to take a picture of a tchotchke and then get rid of the actual object. The picture lives on in my digital albums – it’s OK to be a digital horder. But that works for the occasional thing, not boxes and boxes of family heirlooms. It’s hard!
And…this is when I am grateful to live further away from my family than anyone else, not to mention I live in the smallest space with the least amount of storage. This has (finally) led my parents to realize that no, I’m not going to take all of their enormous antique furniture. If I owned a house? I have pieces I would take. But in my current state, not going to happen.
I do the picture-taking thing, too! it’s great -but now I need to actually curate my photos. My digital clutter is worse than my physical clutter, to be honest. I need a sabbatical or some dedicated time to digital AND physical clean up. (I am not sure when that will happen, looking at my summer schedule… maybe the first week of August? Ha…)
One of the beauties of renting is that you end up moving every few years (or at least I do, lol), and that means I don’t hang on to things as much as other people. Plus, I’m just not very sentimental about things so I tend to be an anti-hoarder and then realize there are things I needed that I shouldn’t have donated/thrown away, lol.
I am right there with you, Stephany. My current issue is more related to the stuff that was just moved from place to place to place without due diligence. 🙂 I swear to you, there are boxes in my ex’s basement that have been moved at least 5 times, and the boxes have not been opened in that time. Some of those boxes have “treasures” in them, but most are just things that were not needed/useful at subsequent locations. So, yeah. (Also? He’s more of a, um, pack rat than I am, and he loves the tchotchkes, so… I think he’s going to end up with most if not all of them…Ha.)
Wait- did I not already comment on this post? I know I read it and I have strong feelings on this subject! I used to collect and save things, but when my parents died and my sister and I had to clear out their house, I was scared straight. Now when I’m tempted to save things I imagine my own kids having to go through everything some day, and they’ll just have to get rid of it. It makes it much easier to clear the clutter! Not that I’m perfect… but I’m much better than I was.
Ack! you did! I’m just slow with moderating this weekend – and your first comment somehow went to spam??? I’m so sorry! Your story – as I said – is the perfect one for me to hear, since I don’t even have kids! I need to just do it and figure out what I have, what I MUST keep for my own happiness, and what needs to just go. And where. That’s the hard part, actually – who takes this stuff? Not all of it should be trashed, but… to whom can I donate it? I confess, it’s a bit daunting right now…
I am in desperate need of decluttering and I don’t even have the years of stuff from my adolescence to go through (that is all in my parents’ basement LOL). While I tend to hold on to things that I attach sentimental value to, I also know how much weight is lifted when you let go. Go for it, Anne. Start fresh.
My goodness, San, I am so sorry for letting this sit so long. (I was also home visiting my family this past week so regular stuff like checking comments on the blog kind of fell by the wayside…)
You’re absolutely right. I need to start fresh. And – to make it worse? I just looked in my storage closet for the first time in a while today and… there is a lot of stuff there that will be donated stat. This whole ending-a-relationship thing is making me realize just how much STUFF we had and how much it bugs me. I am going to take your advice – and that of other commenters – to heart and actually do it this time. 🙂