And shockingly, the list doesn’t include cold. Although it certainly could.
I am sorry, as usual, for my longer-than-expected absence from this space. I’ve had less time than anticipated during this “break” for things that feed my soul. Oddly, it seems as though things may calm down a bit when classes (finally) start next week.
So, the four C’s. They’ve been ruling my life these last few weeks… may I introduce Chaos, Catastrophizing, Comparison, and (the desperate search for) Calm?
It was not the start to 2024 that wanted or expected, despite my post on Bright Spots a few weeks ago. Chaos intruded shortly after Christmas and has not let up in the three weeks (what the ever loving WHAT? how did THAT happen?) since then. Worse, it was the type of chaos that, as a junior person, I dread. The kind fomented by senior people who send messages requesting that I fix/update/change/modify/etc. something and oh, can I get it back to them in the next 2 days? Not a request that I can ignore, of course. So instead of having slower mornings, with reading and reflection, and thinking about how 2023 was ending and what I wanted my 2024 to be, well, I was on a deadline to get a lot of things done.
I did them, of course, but it wasn’t what I had expected, and it led to a more anxious week between the years (thank you, San, for that phrase) than I would have liked.
Coupled with the chaos was my usual tendency to catastrophize. Sigh. Why is my brain like this? Whenever I am fretting about something, I imagine the worst. Even small things, like receiving those requests from senior people, or an email suggesting that I’ve forgotten to do something, and my brain spirals to the worst possible outcome. I’ve been like this forever, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t drive me crazy. I do try to talk myself out of these spirals, but when it’s a particularly anxiety-provoking situation, that doesn’t work quite as well. And, of course, these episodes are usually related to things that I can’t talk about here.
Why am I sharing this? I don’t need sympathy or people telling me it’ll be okay. I guess I just want to know that I am not the only one whose 2024 may not have started off as anticipated. Or, at least to know that there are others who jump immediately to the worst case scenario. So if it’s been a bit rougher than you expected, these first few weeks of the new year, please know that I’m out here, and I get it.
I’m not going to write about comparison and seeking calm right now, but plan to come back to them (and my hopes for the rest of 2024) soon. I hope you are all well and warm, particularly if you are in the upper Midwest this week. Take care, my friends. I appreciate you coming here and reading.
I’ll leave you with this one – which was attributed as an “old Swedish proverb” in the newsletter in which I read it (one from the NYT). I’ll let Susanne weigh in on whether it actually is one, though. Why not go to the expert? 🙂
“Shared joy is double joy. Shared sorrow is half sorrow.”
Anne!! I had some inbox bombs this week that sound like what yo’;re talking about and they made me so mad. Like, gimme a second, you know?! Hope your semester is smooth sailing form here.
That is the perfect term, Sarah. Thank you for that. And you know exactly what I mean. Mine was, “Hey, we just realized you need to fix these 27 things, and we need it by tomorrow, and also it will require you to dig back through your years of doing this for previous years’ info.” Gaaahhhh… hang in there. I hope the kids were in school today even if the roads are still crappy. (I’m staying in as much as possible, but also I don’t have a Minnie + a dancing/diving/hockey/alltheotherstuff…)
I feel like the training wheels are officially off at my job now. I have only a superficial knowledge of what’s going on most of the time, but my email is piled up with queries and asks. I just go around my office hoping one of my colleagues knows the answer. And this weather! The roads are so dicey between our house and my work and what usually takes 12-15 minutes took us 45 minutes today. Argh! Oh, well. I’ll muddle through the same way you are!
Muddle through, we shall. I do think that being in academia is part of it (did you see Sarah’s comment? same thing there…). I think this means that when the blankety-blank roads are cleared, and the sun returns (well it’s sunny right this minute but let’s see how long it lasts…) we need to go on a mini road trip or just meet up for a sanity-supporting coffee/tea session. Hang in there with the email inundation. I know the feeling well, my friend.
I love that proverb!
And hate the that year ended like that for you. There is nothing like the urgency and panic of a higher up requesting something NOW. Grr.
Urgent, panic-inducing emails should just be illegal. That’s it. The academic calendar does not, in general, lend itself to a calm and quiet holiday break (unless, of course, one gets more time in December, which we do not have).
And yes, I loved that proverb, whether Swedish or not! 🙂
Ugh. I go through spells like this at work where it’s just “do what ya gotta do to stay sane and don’t worry about anything else”.
The New Year does bring a lot of optimism and a lot of fresh starts…but yes it’s totally OK when your reality doesn’t match the advertised result. And very helpful if you mention it so that others know that they aren’t alone.
I think that is the challenge, not having a start to the New Year that is optimistic and positive and happy. I feel like a curmudgeon – or worse – but that’s just reality for me right now.
Sorry the start to your year has been so chaotic! Let’s hope for calm upcoming.
Thanks! I am hoping for calm, indeed.
Oh man. I do not envy you those work place demands. My work place demands come from very small people who I can boss around and tell them to take a nap. Ha. Sorry that the year wound down with a wind up of sorts. Hopefully things settle down soon.
I would not say that I catastrophize things – I am pretty good at remaining calm (typically) and figuring out a work around. When Mini found out she didn’t get accepted to study abroad, I came up with other options and ideas. Hopefully that will ring true for her.
Ernie, at this point, I would welcome the small people. Thanks for the image, too. I’d like to send a few people off to take a nap. 😉
Unfortunately, I don’t think I can actually boss anyone around at this point. Bummer. 😉
See, I wish I had your approach to, let’s say, unexpected roadblocks. But wow, the catastrophizing can really mess with my mind. Happened again yesterday. I need to dig into it a bit more and figure out why I do it – recently, it seems to be related to feeling like I have sole responsibility for a lot of projects/studies/etc. right now, and if I screw it up, I’m toast. Not being able to share the load makes the load heavier, if that makes sense? (Sorry to dump on you with this comment, but you got me thinking… :>)
I’m sorry about the chaos that kicked off your 2024. May they shut up now and leave you in peace.
I know all about e-mail stress. Before I totally quit working as a nurse, I also worked part time with managing and fixing up a website for the company my husband worked for at the time. At the end of that year I ended up crashing with burnout and during that time, any e-mail notificiation almost sparked a panic attack.
I didn’t know that saying was Swedish but we do say it in Sweden and it’s a good one.
Susanne, thank you for this: May they shut up and leave you in peace. Precisely! That’s what I want!
And you totally get my email panic. Half the time, my emails are newsletters, or journal alerts, or simple work-related emails that I can read, file, and (mostly) forget. But when you’re expecting the floor to drop out (or the ceiling to fall, not sure which), even those can spark a second or two of panic. 😛
Those type of e-mails are the most overwhelming to me; hence why I recently resigned from my most stressful position. I know you love your job, and I am NOT SUGGESTING YOU QUIT, just sending gentle reminders to take care of yourself. <3 Though I recognize that is very hard to do in the middle of stressful situations like you're describing.
Stay warm and safe. Yikes!
Thanks, Elisabeth. I don’t do that often enough (take care of myself). I realized, though, that my current set up is not sustainable (finally). I’ve taken 2 weeks (mostly) off in the last 18 months. I need to fix that. Maybe stating it here – writing it out – will help me be accountable to that realization. <3
I love that quote! I hope your sorrow was halved by sharing it here.
I know Catastrophizing well. I can easily convince myself I have cancer, and am well on my way to imagining what the chemo will be like, before I can reign it in. Or that my husband will lose his job, or the house will burn down… so you’re not alone.
This is the time of year where I’m very, very happy I live in Florida, and I vow to never complain about the heat again. We’ll see if I can remember that in the summer.
Hang in there!
Jenny, YOU GET ME. Wow. That’s exactly what I do! I’m glad to know I’m not alone, but I’m sorry that you experience the same thing.
You’re making me want to lose my mind and schedule a spring break trip to FL. (Not going to happen, but man, the warmth would be nice…)
I feel so seen in this! Please know you aren’t alone in the chaos or the catastrophizing and I hope we both can reset and find time for comparison and calm in the coming weeks.
Lindsay, thank you. I love reading your blog and, although I’m sorry you do the same thing, I’m glad to know that I am not alone. Shared challenges are definitely lighter for having been shared. Thinking of you…
I do not understand how people cannot deploy some foresight and refrain from sending you “panic emails” last minute expecting you to fix something on short notice. GAH. What is it with people? And that between the years …. seriously. I am sorry, Anne, that your new year started off on the wrong foot. I hope that you’ll be able to ease into the rest of the semester.
Thanks, San. I appreciate the solidarity against panic emails. I always want to say, your emergency is not my emergency. But… when they are senior people, and I most definitely am not, well… let’s just say the power differential is not working in my favor.
I hope things ease up, too. Classes start this week so the chaos will continue for at least a little longer. 😉
Ugh, you’re not alone. I spiral too. If I make a mistake at work, I am going to be fired. (Even if I didn’t actually make a mistake, but if something goes wrong I immediately assume it was my fault.) If it’s raining hard outside and my family is out in it, they are going to die. If I have a pain in my stomach, it’s likely cancer. I have gotten better about it as I get older, but honestly, sometimes things DO go wrong, so my brain says, “SEE!”
J, I think you and Jenny are really in my head. Yes, yes, yes, to all of this. All of it.
This, in particular, sums up my primary issue: Even if I didn’t actually make a mistake, but if something goes wrong I immediately assume it was my fault.
I either am, or perceive myself to be, the person responsible for All The Things. In some cases (e.g., my studies that have no staff), it’s true. Those are among the most stressful things I deal with. In other cases, I’m not technically responsible but have taken on so many related tasks/activities that I might as well be. And even if I’m not? I always, always blame myself.
And yes, sometimes things DO go wrong. So my brain and your brain would clearly get along, since they remind us both of the same thing. 🙂
May you have a day without (too much) catastrophizing…
I have email bombs, too ( a public school teacher). I’v been teaching for a while and usually such emails are not my first rodeo, but they are annoying nonetheless. Thankfully, if it’s infringing on contractual times or weekends, then no, I will not respond. Also, the other day, I saw a signature from a colleague of mine, a counselor, stating “this mailbox is not maintained 24/7. Please allow at least 24 hours for a meaningful response.” I thought that was genius! Luckily, where I work, both parents, students and admin know their email boundaries.
Also, if someone is bringing me anxiety because of whatever, I visualize them very small, and I put them into a match box, and slide the lid closed. Or I see them on a tiny doll with a tiny voice, on brink of a toilet seat and “ting!” use my finger to push them into the bowl. Then flush.
Childish, I know, but it helps.
Yes, you would totally get this as a public school teacher. The one challenge with my position, vs. yours, is that “contract hours” and weekends are not off-limits. So, even when I WANT to disconnect on weekends, it’s quite difficult, particularly during the semester. And my own boundaries are AWFUL. I give a 24-hour parameter for responses to students, but I always break that (sigh) and then they logically come to expect rapid responses. In this situation, it was those senior to me who were requesting immediate and time-consuming responses, so unfortunately not anything I could ignore.
I love love love your visualization techniques. I am going to have to try those! 🙂