I’m working on the vacation recap, promise. It was a wonderful trip and it’s taking a bit of time to write up. So in the meantime, I’m sharing something that I thought about during my trip. This trip gave me long stretches of time to just…think. To let my mind wander – not think about work, or my to-do list, or anything like that. Just think.
I started thinking about the path my life has taken, really thinking about it. Have you done this? Have you looked back at your path, at the choices you made, and wondered, “What if…?” What if I hadn’t become a nurse? What if I hadn’t gotten married? Or divorced? What if I had never left my previous job?
I usually frame these choices as “choices that I regret”, the implication being that the choice I didn’t make would have been a better one than the one I did make. I say this despite knowing that I love the life I have. This life is a good one. So why regret the choices I made based on what was best for my life at the time? And what about paths that are chosen for us? By a partner’s job. By an unexpected loss. By forces outside our control? The company goes out of business. You get fired. Your rent goes up 100%. Choices that aren’t really choices.
Yet I tend to think that my life path has been the result of the choices I have made. That I’ve had complete agency over that path and where I am now.
The reason this is coming up again, a few weeks after my trip, is that I’m listening to The Midnight Library. I’ll be honest – I almost DNF’d at 5%. I was overwhelmed by the first few chapters. I remembered several of you read it and there were mixed reviews. So I persevered. I am glad I did – it’s the right book at the right time for me. The theme of paths and choices and lives really aligns with what I pondered on my trip. Vacations – if they are good ones, of course – are often a snapshot of an ideal life. But then you come back to real life, and the memories fade, and the joy becomes a memory.
But what if I could shift the path that I am on – the one involving work, and responsibilities, and everything else, to be more like the path that fills me up in my short breaks? It may not lead to another life. But it may lead to a better one. Something to think about…
Several quotes about this came to my attention recently, from a motley bunch of authors…
“It’s about centering on your intention, not conforming to others’ expectations. In the end, the world doesn’t need you to regurgitate someone else’s story. It needs your own epic tale, with all its unique quirks and insights. It’s not just about choosing the path less traveled. It’s about choosing your path. And that makes all the difference.” ~ Ozan Varol
“Life meanders like a path through the woods. We have seasons when we flourish and seasons when the leaves fall from us, revealing our bare bones. Given time, they grow again.” ~Katherine May, Wintering
“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” ~Ursula K. LeGuin
This post feels a bit unfinished. I feel like I should have some big conclusion, some big Life Lesson. But maybe the ambiguity is kind of the point. My life (thank goodness) is moving forward. If I really believe that I have agency over where it goes from here, what I do I do with that? What choices do I make to shift my life to one that fills me up, that brings me joy, that leads me where I want to go? (I have to think that connecting with all of you is one big choice I’ve made recently that has made my life so much brighter, so thank you for that. <3)
What about you? Do you think about your life path? About the other paths that could have been?
Anne, I just want to give you a huge hug. Wait, are you a hugger? Maybe you aren’t. In that case, count yourself lucky we are like 5000 km away from each other. VIRTUAL HUG.
I do think sometimes with wonder about the path my life has taken. I could never have seen this coming 30 years ago, but here I am, and I do love my life. I have one big regret (and other smaller ones) in life, but now I realize if I took that path, maybe that would have been the butterfly wing that ruined my life that I do have. Well. We can’t time travel, we just move forward, and, as I said, I’m happy with what I have, I couldn’t ask for more.
With regards to the Midnight Library – I did read it and it was fine, but all I really remember from it is that it is full of weird Thoreau worship, and if you know me, you know my feelings on Thoreau, which are not positive. I felt like screaming while reading it!
Anyway, I’m glad you had a good vacation. Sometimes it’s a letdown, coming back to real life from vacation.
I would make a hug exception for you, Nicole. I have a feeling you are a champion hugger. 🙂
And yes, taking a different path does not mean that that path would have been spectacular. Who knows what could have happened in that life? There was a LOT of Thoreau in TML, and I do know your feelings, so not surprising that colored the whole book for you!
Back to real life now, for sure. The meetings have started up (thank goodness for the US Labor Day break) and classes convene next week. Then it’s 15 weeks of chaos.
This is definitely something I have given a lot of thought to as well. A lot of my “what if” thoughts are related to college decisions. I work around a lot of affluent people who travel all over the country to visit different campuses with their high school teens. When I made my college decisions, my parents said “you can go anywhere you’d like but keep in mind you are paying for it!” Which I TOTALLY understood because I was 1 of 5 from a middle class family. I visited schools in ND (where I was living) on my own and decided which state school to go to. I didn’t really understand reciprocity and I was probably intimidated by the thought of going to Minneapolis to visit the U of M. So I do wonder – what if I had gone to the (very large) U of M? Or tried to get into an elite institution, etc etc. But all that said, I am very happy with the life I have and I had a great college experience and made wonderful friendships, so ultimately it all worked out. I have the same thoughts about my decision to get an MBA which turned out to be a very expensive personal accomplishment. But I got a previous job because I was working on my MBA and met the guy who became my mentor/eventual boss/teammate so I can’t wish that away either!
Have you seen Sliding Doors? If not, that is a great movie to watch!
Ohmygosh, Lisa, Sliding Doors is one of my favorite movies, for just this reason. I loved that movie. And you’re right – the constrained choices we have (like your college decision, or a choice I had to make due to someone else’s needs) aren’t necessarily BAD options. Who knows what would have happened if you’d ended up at UofM? Who knows what would have happened if I had stayed at that past job? I think that’s one of the things I like about the thought exercise – the uncertainty. (Weird, I’m usually someone who appreciates clear choices and outcomes!)
This post is PERFECT, and should not feel finished. I do think about this stuff, all the damned time (maybe too much). There are things we have agency over and things we don’t. If I let myself, I would regret choices I made and didn’t, but considering the mental health issues I was dealing with I just feel so, so lucky about where I ended up that I generally don’t let myself. I wish some things about me were different, but I would have had to be a different person.
I love those quotes, especially the one from Wintering. It’s the perfect antidote to hustle culture, which I need not just for myself, but for my kids as they finish up schooling and have to decide what to do next. You have to make a living, but you also have to decide how you want to live.
Your last line is PERFECT – You have to make a living, but you also have to decide how you want to live. What a wonderful way to frame it. And yes! I can see how having young adults who are truly ready to launch – and who are coming wholly into themselves – would inspire a bit of introspection in parents. I don’t have that privilege – other than from a distance, with others’ kids – and I think that is one reason I love my job so much. Seeing these students – undergrad and grad – make choices and change paths is so inspiring, and (I hope :>) is keeping me a bit younger at heart than otherwise. <3
Who even has time to think about their life path?! Obviously you’re more introspective than I am when I’m driving a car because all I want to do is zone out and listen to music/podcasts/audiobooks and NOT think about hard things.
I have planned my life badly. Right now there are a lot of things happening. 1) CBBC 2) Finishing my anniversary celebration on my blog 3) Classes starting (OH! And I didn’t tell you this, but for complicated reasons a whole new class was just handed to me – I got the roster and Canvas course TODAY and it starts on Tuesday and I’m going to be out of town Friday – Monday) 4) Very boring work things. And so there’s no time to think right now, friend, I’m just reacting.
Maybe I’ll start thinking in late September.
Engie, you would have been completely out of your element on my trip. In the car, I didn’t listen to anything. No music, podcasts, or audiobooks. Silence. It was bliss, absolute bliss. Around my apartment? That’s a different story – I usually have the news going or a book or a podcast (well when I’m not working – then, it’s silence, too). So yes, that gives me a lot of time and space for thought! I’m sorry things are so busy right now -reacting seems the best option, particularly when you are handed ANOTHER course. What are they thinking? When will you do your actual, you know, JOB? Gah. Hang in there.
That’s the problem with vacation – the recaps take a hot minute to put together. But they are fun to look back on and selfishly I’m dying to hear every last thing about your trip so I for one can’t wait.
When I tell my life story it sounds like I’m jumping all over the place and changing subjects, but I swear I was just following the path in front of me! There are things that I look back on and wish that I had made different choices. For example, why did I settle for being underemployed in 2009 instead of just taking time off to travel? Oh wait, that’s what 2024 me would have done. 2009 me made a different choice.
As you know, taking short breaks for fun/travel has been the highlight of the past few years. So yes yes yes to working that in to your current plan. There probably is some grand conclusion to this, but I don’t know what it is either.
Oh, yes, the recap is taking far too long – and having a busy week is not helping, sigh.
You are so right – paths meander and jump and sometimes I feel like I’m doing a 180. On the other hand? I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t have experienced HOTR (sorry! had to bring it up! :>). I wouldn’t have had the joy of this community. So yep – all over the place, but now in this place. And it’s a good one.
You are so right about breaks – I’ve moved on from TML to When, by Daniel Pink, and I’m just finishing the chapter on … Rest. My takeaway? You have it right. 🙂
I love this pondering, Anne! In this specific time of churn, I’ve often had moments of “how could I have let this happen?” which assumes a majority of personal agency in life and death and messes that really are out of my control (and do impact what IS in my control!!). It’s really had me thinking about what I prioritize and put energy into and what really matters (and remembering that it’s ok if small things and moments and experiences matter)… I can’t wait to hear about your trip and so appreciated the Ursula K. LeGuin quote!
I kind of figured you’d be my kindred spirit with the pondering, Lindsay. “Small things” are not small things if they are important to you. A hug, a day that goes better than you anticipated? To me, those are things that matter – they make your life just as good as the big things. LeGuin quotes always get me… there are some writers whose words always seem to reflect what’s in my head and heart. She is one of them.
I loved The Midnight Library. I loved it so much that I went back and read it again, right after I finished it, which is definitely not something I do. Then I went on to listen to another book by the same author, How to Stop Time. I liked them both quite a bit.
I sometimes wonder how my life would have been different if I had made different choices. What if I had gone to Alaska for college instead of staying in California? What if I had gone to USC instead of SFState? What if I had met my father earlier (I didn’t feel like I had any control over this, but maybe if I had pushed my mom on it, it could have happened). What if we had moved to Portland when we considered it? I sometimes wish I could see all of those outcomes, and see how life would have been different.
I liked your quotes, but especially the one from Wintering. And I really like this:
But what if I could shift the path that I am on – the one involving work, and responsibilities, and everything else, to be more like the path that fills me up in my short breaks? It may not lead to another life. But it may lead to a better one.
I feel like in my life, I have drifted more than decided. But that’s not really true. I’ve never been a big planner, but I do make decisions that put me on one path or another, just like everyone else. I guess, like Engie, I’m a reacter. Sometimes this makes me feel like I’ve made bad decisions, but sometimes I am grateful for the choices that I’ve made, and the opportunities that I’ve had.
Julie! I just did the SAME THING. I finished TML on Thursday and immediately requested the print book from the library (which, of course, came in just as I got home…from the library). I think I have How To Stop Time on my holds list – now I need to check.
I’ve had such a wonky career that I have a lot of inflection points at which I could have made a radically different choice. I think this is one reason I so frequently consider what might have been.
I have been drifting recently, and writing this (and all the reflecting I did before writing it) reminded me that I do have agency and choices. I like where I am, and the path that I am on, but I want to be sure to continue to make decisions that – at least at the time – feel like the right ones for me.
Oh man, this is something I think about CONSTANTLY. I am always wondering what would have happened if I had taken a different path – if I had become a schoolteacher or went to a different university or invested in that relationship… overall, I always feel we are in the place we are meant to be and I am happy with the way my life has unfolded, but it doesn’t stop me from wondering the What If…?
Wait, you wanted to be a teacher? Really? I did in HS, then spent a day with my mom’s friend in her (relatively calm) private kindergarten and promptly decided that was not. an. option. There’s no harm in wondering! You have a wonderful life, but…what if? You may never know, but thinking about it may prompt you to consider different options in the future. Hugs, my friend.
Vacations is when I learn the most, as an adult. Vacations (rather, trips) take me out of my comfort zone and have me grow.
What ifs visit me on the regular… As many people said above, I love the life I have, but I still do think what would have happened if I hadn’t jumped feet first into buying a condo in NJ but moved to New York City instead, what if I chosen medicine as my profession instead of teaching, what if my parents were not an alcoholic and a manic-depressive? What if I never had kids? What if I had said no to IVF? What if I had stayed at my prior district? What if, what if, what if… I also have what ifs about the future too. What if T and I move to NYC after retirement?… What if I live in Paris, alone, for two weeks next summer? What if i join community theater?
Oh, Daria, I like how you flip this around to the future – and that you’re thinking about the what if’s to come! It will be so interesting to see if the choices you have in the future reflect what choices you THINK you will have now. Living in Paris? I know one blogger (ahem, Lisa) who would be right there with you, if she could be. 😉
As you can see from all the comments, EVERYBODY thinks about the ‘what ifs’ in life. I do, too. For me, it’s often about what if I hadn’t come to California and what if I hadn’t met Jon. I would probably be with my highschool sweetheart and a teacher in Germany somewhere.
I like where my path has taken me but I could have had a very different life.
That’s it exactly, San – I like where my path has taken me but oh, my life could have been very, very different!
I always forget that you were on track to be a teacher – your dad was one, I think, right? And isn’t your sister? I contemplated it until I spent time in a kindergarten classroom as a high schooler. It was removed from the list of possibilities pretty quickly. 😉
I also feel like this on vacation and usually just… book another vacation. But! I think academia is really unique in that your day can look so different from the days of the people around you. Huge freedom, but also huge impetus for making all the choices and owning them, if that makes sense.
Oh, my gosh, Sarah, this is so true. So much freedom (well, except for the meetings…so many meetings). The downside is that if I screw it up, it’s all on me. Sigh. Hope your semester’s off to a reasonable start.
Definitely, I always wonder what if!! However, one thing I don’t do is to regret things I’ve done in the past. It is the past and there is nothing that can be done about it except to learn from it and move on or change it! I definitely did some stupid things, and made some bad decisions, but those too have shaped me to be who I am, and I kind of like where I am now!
I was just talking to Birchy about my travels in 2008 and if I had not spent all my money on that, maybe I could have afforded a house in the Bay Area in 2011, but…I did spend all my money on travels and it was fabulous! And I ended up buying a house in 2015, so really no harm, no foul!
I think that you and I diverge in our approach to regrets, Kyria. I… ruminate. Consider and rethink and resurface old situations and choices and… it’s not the best approach, to be honest. I wish I were different in that regard. I am trying to be better about it but old habits and all that. I do like where I am but it’s been an interesting path to get here! I need to learn more about yours, since I started following you really recently and missed a lot of your adventures over the years!
What a thoughtful post.
The choices and paths we make and where they bring us. I don’t much think about the what ifs to be honest. I know I wouldn’t be were I am without them. Were they always easy. Nope. Would I change in a redo. Nope.
The choices made for one is a different chapter. But even though taught me/us something to be at the point we are. At least that is what I believe.
I did love the Midnight Library for the though experience. There is a Canadian Show called “Erica” which has the same concept. She is in therapy and works through all her struggles by going back and having the option to redo. I watched that show when I struggled with depression and it was so healing. Ive never been able to see the last season unfortunately.
Oh, Tobia, I’m so glad you understand why TML was so appealing to me. The idea of revisiting and seeing those alternative paths play out? So challenging yet so… enlightening, in a way. Every path we choose has its own hurdles – there is nothing to say that had I not made X decision back in 2016, that the ultimate outcome would not have been the same.
Erica sounds super interesting… i hope you get to see that last season!