Words and phrases about noticing, about paying attention, have seeped into my life this summer. Another nudge from the universe? Quite likely.
The first time, it was the phrase, “What you focus on increases”. The quote is from a book, The Noticer, which was selected for a summer book club run by the American Nurses Association. I chose not to take part, and now I am regretting it, given the number of posts I saw that highlight the quote and some other takeaways from the book. (Has anyone read it? I trust all of your opinions more than I do those of random nurses on a list serv…)
Then, Nicole made a comment on one of my posts, “what we focus on is what we see more of”.
And finally, not one but two Substack posts that alluded to the same idea. The first was from fia skye, who writes beautiful words at the flying edna substack, and the second was from the Begin in Wonder substack. Both of these substacks bring great joy to my life.
Fia wrote about her tendency to notice things that she perceives as wrong, or that make her mad, and how her partner (kai skye, an artist whose art and writing also speak to my heart) pointed out that you can spend your life focusing on the bad, or you can look up and see the beauty in the world.
Elliott, who writes at Begin in Wonder, had the following quote in one of his posts:
Carrie Newcomer wrote, “Our culture reasons that because we fell there is not enough time, we should increase our pace, multitask, and fit more into our already overbooked days. But even though it is counterintuitive to popular wisdom, perhaps the more effective response to the limits of time is to live more fully in the moment, to savor it and expand it.” (Note: I just looked up Carrie Newcomer, having never heard of her before this quote, so I do not know the specific source for this quote. When and if I find it, I will correct the link, and if someone knows, please educate me!)
This is going to sound tremendously selfish, and it’s such a first-world problem. But, other than my time on vacation, I haven’t always focused on what matters most to me. Like everyone, I deal with outside situations, events, challenges, which intrude on my ability to choose what I do. Sometimes this is just the way life is. Do I WANT to review the 96 page meeting agenda? No. But I was elected to the committee, so I will review that agenda. Perhaps with an eye roll or two. 😉
But other times, it’s my choice. I focus on what I “should be” doing for others, not on what I need or want to do for myself. I need to balance that out, because not doing so just leads to resentment on my part. It absolutely sounds selfish, but the alternative is to feel as though I have no control, and, that’s not working for me either.
I’ve been trying to do this for a few weeks, now, and I’ve had some success and a lot of failure. Like many, I am prone to saying “yes” too much. (I need Elisabeth to give me a few lessons in saying no!) I take on obligations and responsibilities because they sound interesting, not necessarily because they are the best way for me to spend my time. Often, my answer is a default “yes”, instead of a “is saying yes to this saying no to something I really need and want to do?”
I read Four Thousand Weeks a few months ago and loved it, and then promptly managed to forget its lessons. (Sigh.) I started Essentialism, and haven’t finished it. Are you seeing a pattern here? I am.
Going forward, I am trying to figure out to achieve a better balance. Small things make a difference – at least in my work life. I am trying very hard not to reply to emails as soon as they come in. If someone needs me, they can text or Teams me. In my personal life? Trying to not get sucked into the news. Remembering that spending time on things I really want to do – reading, reading blogs, taking walks – isn’t a bad thing. Trying to pare down my obligations to focus on what matters most.
As always, a few quotes that have reflected my thinking recently:
“Productivity is most important for things you don’t want to be doing. Most people want to increase productivity so they can spend less time on the task. But before you worry about being more productive, think about being more selective. Rather than focusing on increasing productivity, it may be worth asking, “What would I be delighted to spend time on, even if it went slowly?” Direct your energy toward figuring out how to start what you want to do rather than thinking about how to shorten what you don’t want to do.” James Clear
We’ve been seduced into believing that we must “stay current” and “keep up with the times.” In a time of great social and political upheaval, information feels very urgent—even though the true emergency is lacking the space to think properly. ~ Ozan Varol
I hope you have the space to think. And if not – if you’re facing challenges and situations beyond your control, demanding your attention and your time – I hope that those resolve sooner rather than later, and let you get back to focusing on what matters most. Go well into the close-to-the-end of this week, my friends.
I think noticing is so much like the focus on breathwork in meditation/yoga. We WILL get distracted. We will get off course. It’s about recognizing that and just gently redirecting ourselves.
For years, when my kids were younger, we would have what we termed ‘Hard Resets’ – it was when something was clearly not working and we opted for a complete 180. Bedtimes out of control? Hard reset with clearly defined parameters. Not enough fruits and veggies in our diet. Hard reset.
I don’t really do “hard resets” anymore, but sometimes mentally I need to at least have Soft-To-Medium Resets. Because it is so, so easy to get distracted and just fall into the habit of going through life without really living it. It seems to cliche, but it’s true! Sometimes the days just melt one into another and, well, we only get one life! That’s one of the reason I love, love, love my Happy Things Friday practice because it has made me notice so many more positive things in my life.
Elisabeth, I love this: “…it is so, so easy to get distracted and just fall into the habit of going through life without really living it.” That’s what I do, to be honest. It’s interesting that you bring up your Happy Things Friday, because in the throes of a recent negative thought spiral, I thought, “I could never be like Elisabeth and Kae and find things to be happy or grateful for…”. But I can do that, and I should do it. There are a lot of really, really good things about life. It’s just that we have to take the time to pay attention and, as Mary Oliver put it, “Be amazed.”
It’s not always easy to focus on what matters most because isn’t life all about putting out those little fires that crop up? A few years ago I applied a test to myself, when I was asked to do something. If I thought “I don’t have time to do that” then I would reframe it by saying “That isn’t a priority to me.” If that made me uncomfortable, then I would make the time for it. For example, if I thought “having coffee with my friend isn’t a priority” then it would make me either uncomfortable, if it was a good friend, or I was fine with it. If it was the former, then I’d rejig things. This isn’t always possible but it does help me figure out what “extras” I want in my life.
That reframing is really helpful, Nicole. I don’t use that phrasing, but I do try to think about whether something is important to me (i.e. a priority) and if so, then what can I do to make it happen? The challenge – at least in my work life – is that it’s a priority for me to help my students succeed. That takes time – time I want to spend – but then I need to figure out how to fill my own cup, too. Maybe it’s that I have a harder time identifying the nebulous “not as high of a priority” things? More things to ponder, as always…
It’s taken me a long time, but I’ve gotten better at evaluating what I do and do not want to do, and going from there. I used to get sucked in more, and found that I resented people who did NOT get sucked in. Then I realized, hey, if they’re saying no, that means that saying no is an option. Maybe it’s not that they’re lazy or selfish, maybe it’s just that they have their priorities straight. That has helped me a lot.
Also, sometimes it is fun to say yes. I sometimes get stuck in a plan, and it can be difficult for me to deviate from it. It’s really dumb and breaking away is helpful. A real life example from several years ago. I woke up in the morning one Saturday, and decided that I was going to clean out the fridge later in the day. Later, but before I had started, my husband suggested that we take a picnic somewhere, or go for a drive, or go to a movie. I don’t remember what the thing was, just that my first inclination was to say, “No, I’m cleaning out the fridge today.” I realized how dumb that was, and made the conscious decision to reset my plans for the day. Should have been easy, but it took me a good 1/2 hour. But we had a great day, and I cleaned out the fridge on Sunday instead. (I mean, I did really want to get that done…)
Another thing that has helped me is my daily yoga practice. All of 2024, I’ve done a short yoga video every morning. I still have grief over losses in my life, things still go wrong with work, I still lose my temper with my family sometimes. But I feel a little more capable of dealing with these things when they happen.
Wow, Julie, so much insight here. Thank you for sharing that experience from a few years ago and how you adjusted your day…I am exactly the same way. I get it in my head that a day, or a trip, or anything, will go a certain way, and when it derails (as it inevitably does…) I get very anxious and, well, snappish. You make me think that change might – might – be possible.
I have tried standard meditation and cannot do yoga (physical restrictions), but have tried to develop a daily “reflection” habit. Blogging, reading some substacks that feed my soul (David Whyte, always), journaling, etc. Some days, it works. Other days, I cannot get my to do list out of my head. Sigh. 😐 The saying no thing is interesting – was just texting about this with a work friend today. I am one of the always-yes people, mostly because I know just how much it stinks to be in charge and not have anyone help out. That said, I wish others were held to the same standard. Alas, that is a pipe dream.
Always, always appreciate you and your wisdom. <3
I’m with you on the to do list. Mine intrudes all of the time. During yoga, I try to put it aside and say, I will think about this soon, then I focus on my breath. It helps a BIT, though that darned list is always there.
Regarding getting snappish…sigh. I did this on our trip to Alaska last year. And I snapped at my husband about a changed plan, and he was very hurt, and I had to examine WHY I was so upset. UGH. Why is life this way sometimes?
Regarding saying No, yes, I will admit that while I have improved on this, I am still not great at it. Sometimes there is the feeling that if I say no, it will not get done. I do with others would do their fair share sometimes. Well, always.
Yes, the darned list is ALWAYS there, Julie. Always. This is a huge problem with my sleep – I wake up, my brain revs up and it never stops. So I get up and then the cycle starts again the next night. I wish there were an off switch, for real.
I get so annoyed with myself when I get snappish, and immediately want to take it back but once it’s out there, it’s out there. And trust me, I get this dynamic. It’s exactly what would happen in my long-term relationship.
I think we need to start a ‘no’ accountability group, for real. We’d be charter members. 🙂
One of the reasons I do quarterly goals is because it forces me to articulate my priorities in my personal life. I could just do paid work non-stop and never run out of things to do. But that’s not what I want to do with my time, is it? The process of setting the goals is in some ways even more important than the doing them because it forces me to think about what I really want from my limited amount of time on this planet.
Engie, I never even THOUGHT about this. I tend to think of “goals” as “tasks”, even though they are very different. Your description makes perfect sense… and I love the idea of thinking of time in terms of *wanting* to spend time on something, vs. a perception of *having* to spend time on it. Yes, work is different, as you point out, but life is more than just work. Thank you, friend. <3
Oh, I felt like this is the post I needed on the day I needed it, Anne! I feel like my mind has gotten so used to being so busy and so chaotic that the idea of slowing down and identifying what matters to me or taking time to consider if how what I’m saying yes or no to will impact what matters seems almost laughable! I, too, am guilty of taking on things that seem interesting in the moment, especially at work and then living with the lack of capacity or weight of that work – honestly, sometimes I should just eyeroll myself!! I hope that week ended well and this one starts with you noticing some joy or a break you didn’t expect or even just a really delicious cup of tea or treat!
Lindsay, yes to all of this. I got -another- email today asking for volunteers and my mouse was hovering over “Reply” and I … stopped. I know that I will likely end up doing it (search committees, haven’t served on one for years but I think I’m ‘up’…) but trying to keep from that knee-jerk response. I know you get it. Maybe we should be “No” accountability partners, LOL. Last week ended with me intact, and this one is a lot, but we’ll make it through, right? Sending thoughts and virtual hugs. <3
Beautiful post, and obviously resonates with a lot of people. I am at a point physically and mentally where I know I can’t overextend myself without paying for it later, so it’s not as hard for me to say no to things, but it IS still hard, of course, not to feel guilty about it and compare myself to other, busier people. Our culture is so bad for making people feel like being stretched super-thin is a commendable thing. I love the posts I’ve read lately about people really taking the time to contemplate their goals, then write them down and evaluate their progress periodically. I am always full of vague plans for someday, and I need to work on saying ‘no, this day’. If you ever need someone to vigorously encourage you to say no, you know where to find me. 🙂
Allison, you are so right – “I need to work on saying ‘no, THIS day’.”
Just yesterday, in class, I was talking with my students about prioritizing what they are working on as they shift beyond “just” being students. (It’s a seminar that I call the “What do you want to be when you grow up?” seminar; my first year seminar is the “This class will break your brain, in good way” seminar. I really do love my job. :>) anyway! We started off class with this topic, and my advice to them, which I clearly need to take myself, was “If you’re saying yes to this, you’re saying no to something else.” Everything is a trade off, and none of us can do it all. So why not prioritize your WANT to dos? I’m here for being “encouraging no” buddies. 🙂
I love that James Clear quote; I really do think that we need to prioritize things in life and it is okay to spend less or no time on the things that we don’t hold dear. I have a friend who has a “friend” who is so toxic, but my friend will not say no to her when she asks to go out for dinner or take the kids to a movie or whatever, even though the whole experience is always draining and negative. I keep telling her she should just say no thanks and be happier, but to her it makes her unhappy to disappoint someone, even when the person is not worth her time!
Oh, what a hard situation for your friend. Separating from – or even distancing from – people who used to be close friends is so hard. It’s hard when it happens due to fundamental differences (I have had this experience) and it’s hard when you realize that someone is not a positive presence in your life (as with your friend). I am so non-confrontational that I would probably be in the same situation…I would be hoping that the person would just, well, eventually “get it”. The problem is, people like that rarely do. Sigh. And yes, prioritizing things in life is so important. I’m really, really struggling with this at work right now and hope to shift that a bit. Again. It’s a perpetual cycle, isn’t it?
I’m way late in commenting (as usual) but great post. I love these ideas and the quotes you included. It all comes down to “being present,” which I put in quotes because it’s something we all talk about, agree we should be doing, but then rarely know how to actually do it. We’re all scattered and reactive, or fighting against being scattered and reactive. Now that a little time has passed since you wrote this, I’m wondering if you’re having success in noticing the things you want to focus on, and carving out time for yourself.
Oh, Jenny, you have nothing on my late comments on your posts! Isn’t “being present” your theme for the year (or something like it)? And great question – I’m having success identifying WHAT I should be focusing on. The problem? Making it happen. I need to remember that it’s okay to do things for me (at work) in addition to doing things for others (what always seems to win out in my daily to-do’s, sigh). “Be present” might need to become my background on my computer desktop. 🙂
James Clear has some really interesting insights (I just recently read his book and am subscribed to his email newsletter). I also have the tendency to say “yes” to quickly and also feel like I have to respond right away to everything that’s “coming in” (emails, messages, etc.) and have to remind myself that I do not have to do this and that people have to respect my time. I think it’s worthwhile exploring what is important to us in the moment and not to always offer our help/time/availability so willingly.
I loved his book – what did you think? We are so similar in our responses to what I’m starting to think of as “inputs” – the emails, Teams messages, texts. They never stop, and I always, always seem to prioritize responding. Why? No one else does this! As I said to Jenny, I need to remember that it’s okay to do things for me as well as for others. I always prioritize others’ needs (students, coworkers, etc.) and it’s affecting my productivity, unfortunately. Time to remedy that – want to hold me accountable? 😉
What a beautiful reminder about the power of where we place our attention. The idea that ‘what you focus on increases’ really resonates with me, especially as I try to find balance in my busy days as a carpet cleaner. It’s so easy to get caught up in frustrations, but your reflections and the wisdom from those Substack posts have inspired me to look for the beauty around me more intentionally. Thank you for sharing this meaningful insight!