…you come across something – art, a sign, a piece of writing, a book – and you think, wow. Wow. That was exactly what I needed, coming into my life exactly when I needed it.
Twice, lately, this has happened to me.
First, with a book (more on that in another post, promise). Then, with an old essay (close to 15 years old) by Elizabeth Gilbert. I have never read Eat, Pray, Love. I never understood the appeal. (But please, if I SHOULD read it, please make your case in the comments! I’ll consider it, I promise!)
This is from an essay that Gilbert wrote for O Magazine back in 2010. I probably read it in 2010. To say that it didn’t stick is an understatement. I have no idea how I came across it this morning, but it is exactly what I needed to read at exactly this moment in time. The icing on the cake, if you will, of many messages that I’ve gotten from the Universe recently, from books (Atomic Habits, The Power of Regret, Four Thousand Weeks…), and other sources (my therapist, ha). Here’s one paragraph that stood out, although the entire essay is worth reading…
When I look at my life and the lives of my female friends these days—with our dizzying number of opportunities and talents—I sometimes feel as though we are all mice in a giant experimental maze, scurrying around frantically, trying to find our way through. But maybe there’s a good historical reason for all this overwhelming confusion. We don’t have centuries of educated, autonomous female role models to imitate here (there were no women quite like us until very recently), so nobody has given us a map. As a result, we each race forth blindly into this new maze of limitless options. And the risks are steep. We make mistakes. We take sharp turns, hoping to stumble on an open path, only to bump into dead-end walls and have to back up and start all over again. We push mysterious levers, hoping to earn a reward, only to learn—whoops, that was a suffering button!…
She continues, then ends the essay with this:
Let’s just anticipate that we (all of us) will disappoint ourselves somehow in the decade to come. Go ahead and let it happen. Let somebody else be a better mother than you for one afternoon. Let somebody else go to art school. Let somebody else have a happy marriage, while you foolishly pick the wrong guy. (Hell, I’ve done it; it’s survivable.) While you’re at it, take the wrong job. Move to the wrong city. Lose your temper in front of the boss, quit training for that marathon, wolf down a truckload of cupcakes the day after you start your diet. Blow it all catastrophically, in fact, and then start over with good cheer. This is what we all must learn to do, for this is how maps get charted—by taking wrong turns that lead to surprising passageways that open into spectacularly unexpected new worlds. So just march on. Future generations will thank you—trust me—for showing the way, for beating brave new footpaths out of wonky old mistakes.
Fall flat on your face if you must, but please, for the sake of us all, do not stop.
Map your own life.
I needed this right now. I needed the reminder that it’s up to me. I don’t have to follow the prescribed path. Of course, I’ve known this for a long time. But you know how when you get bogged down, you can lose sight of what’s true? That’s where I have been. These are all half-formed, partially-caffeinated thoughts. I had a completely different post planned for this morning, in which I was going to ask all of you if you had any thoughts on whether it might work to go super-short with hair that tends toward frizzy-wavy. And instead, I find myself here, ruminating on a 14-year-old essay. I guess that means that the hair decision is up to me, like everything else in my life. 🙂 I’ll be spending some time reflecting on this and what it means while I’m having that haircut later today, for sure.
Have you been (figuratively) hit by something recently? Something you needed to see, hear, read, or remember? I’d love to know…
Be well, my friends. Happy Tuesday.
Short hair can look fantastic when it’s wavy and stays in place. I used to love short haircuts and tried a few times but my hair is thin, ultra straight and lives its own life. Now I’ll stay to shoulder length to long for the rest of my life.
I loved the end of that essay, particularly this: “..by taking wrong turns that lead to surprising passageways that open into spectacularly unexpected new worlds”
It’s similar to that reflection I did when I had turned 50… appreciating all the choices I’d made in life, that I always had seen as bad, but now could see how they created who I am today, with different experiences and with all the people I’ve met along the way. I’m an expert at bumping into dead-end walls! But I also want to see myself as someone who has the guts to start over and try something else.
LOL at your hair living its own life. I love that characterization! I wound up deciding not to go short…the person who cuts my hair is very straightforward, and her take was that it would poof up even more. We decided that – like you – I will grow it a bit longer. I just don’t want it to look straggly, either. And, I am looking forward to being able to pull it back and get it out of my face – one of my least favorite things. (If I could just skip all grooming other than showering and still look okay? I’d be there in a flash…ha…)
That was the part of the essay that grabbed me, too! And yes to your reflection upon turning 50. It’s coming soon for me, and I have been thinking a LOT about my path, how I got here, and (as always) where I will go next. I have a habit of beating myself up about choices in my life – things that I STILL have a hard time letting go of – and I need to learn to move on and embrace where I am now. Perhaps THAT’S what I should focus on this next year. 🙂
I love this, what a great passage to share. We always hear that we learn from our mistakes, but then beat ourselves up when we make those mistakes. And what’s so bad about making a mistake and not learning from it? I mean, of course some mistakes are too big and you can’t survive them, but most you can.
I was half listening to a radio program today (did you ever listen to Forum on KQED when you were in the Bay Area?) and they were talking about weight lifting. It was mostly about toxic masculinity and the culture of weight lifting (I think, I was working and only half listening), but one thing that struck me was the concept of ‘lifting to failure’, which means lifting until you can’t anymore, and your muscles fail. This is how you get stronger, working your muscles to their limits. This isn’t the same kind of failure as the kind Gilbert is talking about, I don’t think, but it struck me, and then came back to me when I read your post.
I think I’m going to go eat a dozen cupcakes now…
Oh, Julie, that is so true. I beat myself up all the time. And – as I just wrote in my reply to Susanne – I have a hard time letting go of what I still perceive as missteps in the path of my life. Shifting my perspective to be closer to the one you describe – I’ve survived every “mistake” I’ve made until now! And life is pretty good. 🙂
I did not listen to Forum but I did listen to KQED, if I remember correctly. However, I ALSO listened to a lot of CDs in the car (The Chicks were on frequent rotation…) so the radio wasn’t on very much. The muscle analogy is a good one, though – you only get stronger by doing something to failure. You can really only get to where you are in your life by making mistakes, and surviving them. 🙂
I think I’m struck by the phrase “start over with good cheer.” I feel like I go through my life being cheerful and dumb which is advice I heard on a radio chat show once about how to deal with difficult people and since I find most people difficult – because I am a difficult person – this has suddenly become a tautology I can’t get out of – I find myself acting on this advice. But that cheer is sometimes surface level and I don’t really feel the cheer. BUT. Sometimes the fake it until you make it works and I do become cheerful. So now that’s what I’m thinking about.
Also, do what you want with your hair! If it doesn’t work, the hair will grow back!
Growing it out, in case it was keeping you up at night. 😉 (The person who cuts my hair made a strong case…) That way, I can pull it back.
That’s interesting that that phrase struck you. I would NOT say that you are cheerful and dumb. In my (admittedly limited experience), you approach life with an openness that I find inspiring.
I have curly hair that doesn’t behave no matter its length (and I’ve had them ALL), so I am not that much help there, sigh.
I loved that paragraph you shared – I’ve never read the article! More so than I have since grad school or the crucial life moment when I quit teaching, I have felt so frozen this year – every “move” feels like potential doom or embarrassment. It is hard to try or do or move when it all feels like it matters or you should know what’s next – but WHO KNOWS WHAT’S NEXT? We are specks on a planet spinning through the universe. As someone who promotes learning from mistakes as part of their job, I sure am not great at listening to that for myself, haha! Here’s to falling flat on our faces, my friend – we can always commiserate on the moves we make.
I love this, Lindsay – “It is hard to try or do or move when it all feels like it matters or you should know what’s next…” and you are spot-on that a lot of people, us included, have NO idea what that is. I like certainty, and set paths, and … life is not that way. Sometimes the twists and turns appeal to me; other times, they’re a lot to deal with.
(Also, I am growing it longer, then I can pull it back – a compelling case from the person who cuts my hair…;>)
Hmmm I’m not sure about the short hair. Sometimes length makes hair calmer, sometimes not. I need more information about this very important topic!
Things hit me all the time, and probably 10 months ago I came across “what we focus on is what we see more of” and I think about it all the time.
You and the person who cuts my hair must have talked to each other, Nicole. She was pretty adamant that my hair would be MORE out of control if I cut it short, so there you go!
And oh! I like your phrasing of “what we focus on is what we see more of”. With the caveat that I have not read this book (yet), I am on a work-related professional development email newsletter. The leader runs a summer book club and the choice this year was The Noticer. There is a line in the book that many people have quoted: “What you focus on increases.” And oh, this is SO TRUE for me! I will take a little niggle and elevate it, somehow, to something much, much bigger. There is a lesson there, for sure.
I love the passage you shared! It’s a good reminder that mistakes and falling down are just a part of life. Some of those mistakes we can learn from, but some of them are just mistakes because we’re human beings and not robots. I have a tendency to beat myself up when I make a mistake, and it’s a hard habit to break. We’re just conditioned to want to be the perfect people! Maybe that’s because we see so much more of other people’s lives these days through social media. So many more people to compare ourselves to!
I do think social media is part of it, but I’m not on it THAT much (IG once/day, and facebook roughly…never…no TikTok, Snap, etc.). I do think it’s part the comparison game and part how we are, well, made. I am like you – I beat myself up ALL THE TIME about mistakes. I take the blame for things that aren’t my fault. And I need – like you said – to remember that it’s part of life! Even people with “charmed” lives have faced serious challenges.
This sounds like an essay I really should read. The paragraphs you shared really resonate with me. It is painful to fail and I’ve experienced that, but I should let myself fail in smaller ways or accept that I am not going to be the best at everything and that is ok. I put a lot of pressure on myself, which is why I don’t really set goals anymore. But mostly I don’t set them because I hate that feeling of failure when I don’t check something off that list which is something I need to work through clearly.
I had short hair for most of my childhood because it was the haircut my mom favored and I will say that I have found that short hair is way more work than long hair! So I would factor that into your decision. Yes, it will dry far faster but I could not role out of bed with short hair and go on with my day like I can with my long hair (which I put into a bun or ponytail on weekends when I don’t want to deal with it).
I was kind of amazed at how much it resonated with me, Lisa. I think we all – well, those of us who tend to read each other’s blogs :> – put a lot of pressure on ourselves. I hate that I overload my to do list every day, and never (or rarely) check everything off – kind of like your aversion to goals, maybe I should try to put fewer things on it? (Hm…food for thought…)
I wound up not cutting it all off, but instead will – like you did – grow it out. I don’t think it will get very long, but I do want to be able to put it back. 🙂
Hair… I have thin, limp hair so the shortest it’s ever been is to my chin. Usually it’s past my shoulders.
Hit… has anything hit me lately… Elisabeth’s post on her update on the year of Shmita. I realized that I need more *meaningful* rest in my life.
Thank you for sharing that article. My whole life I have been super careful: careful with my work, careful with decisions, careful to not disappoint my parents. careful with saying things. But I bet you it would feel so good to just do it/just say it/just go there. I honestly wouldn’t know.
I’m so much like you, Daria. Careful, and worried about the ramifications of my decisions. I was reading something yesterday about whether your decisions in life have been serendipitous or calculated. And I realized, all of mine have been calculated. I don’t think I’ve EVER had something “come up” that I didn’t expect. I like your thought of maybe, sometimes, just “doing it”. Things to ponder.
And yes, meaningful rest is something I lack, too. Perhaps we should all start an online support group. Ha.
What an interesting essay (which I should read in its entirety!). It’s very true that modern society has very high expectations of women but we don’t have a road map on how to navigate and we’re all just doing our best to get through the maze. I am definitely a super-careful person, overthink every decision and lean towards “indecision” if the ramifications of a decision are not immediately clear. (Picture me as the mouse that is carefully peeping around every corner before choosing a new path).
I was shocked I’d never read it, San! It’s so good. And you’re right, we don’t have a road map on how to navigate. I’m like you – overthinking, worried about choosing the “wrong” option. I always tell my students that there are few decisions that you can’t revisit. Why don’t I tell myself the same? (I like your mouse metaphor… :>).