I was going to title this “Things that I suck at” but I just couldn’t get beyond my mother’s voice in my head, yelling at me for using “suck” in public. So “stink” it is! You’re welcome, mom.
I am really, really awful at 2 things. They’re related, of course:
1. Resting
2. Giving myself grace
Resting. I’m awful at it. I think that if I’m not go-go-going all the time, then the world will somehow stop spinning. That by my activity and accomplishments, I somehow keep things going.
It’s a very egotistical view of the world, honestly. Nothing is going to happen if I just stop for an hour, a few hours, even a day.
Taking time, taking rest, is really good for the soul and body. I know this, intellectually. But man, I really really stink at it!
Related? I’m horrible at giving myself grace. Forgiving myself. Not beating myself up for my (perceived) shortcomings. I used to actually yell – out loud – at myself for being an idiot. Usually with some more, um, colorful words thrown in.
I’ve gotten better at that, thank goodness. But I still beat myself up. A lot. Internally, and quietly, and it’s definitely not as bad as it was. But for some reason, I just *have* to hold myself to a higher standard. I’m doing really well at giving others grace – at reminding them that they do not need to apologize for being human, for the most part – but I seriously lack the ability to do this for myself.
Today my body reminded me that physical rest can be really important. I work out nearly every day. I only take one “lighter” day and still do a ton of cardio that day. I know that this is not healthy for my mind and body – but I need to move everyday or I cannot focus. That said, I could certainly do more gentle movement a few days a week.
But it’s like I’m in competition with myself. And when I step back, and then compare what I did this week with what I did last week, when I did not step back, that’s when I start the above process of, um, not giving myself grace.
Today I just felt off and woke up at 1 am (early even for me). Stomach cramps and just not feeling right. I slept an extra 45 minutes, did a little less at the gym, and now, of course, feel like I did not do “enough”.
I’m going to try to give myself grace today but it can be really hard. Here’s hoping I make some progress. Because I know my body was trying to tell me something. Maybe it’s time to listen.