No, I don’t mean that the blog is / will be suspended. More that I feel as though I am suspended – still – between 2021 and 2022. Between what was and what is.
I’ve mentioned before that my life changed a lot in 2021, in ways that were expected (well, to some extent) and others that came completely out of the blue. It was one of those years that, as Zora Neale Hurston said so memorably, asks questions. It was definitely not one of the years with answers. I don’t know (yet, of course) whether 2022 will differ and manage to provide some clarity and answers, but I’m going to do my darndest to find the answers if they are out there!
Like any good academic, I had grand plans for last week, the Week of No Meetings. The week of trying to catch up on all the projects, papers, grants, and other non-teaching, non-committee work. I actually did pretty well on the work-related goals, getting several things fully or partially crossed off my list. So that was good. What wasn’t so good was that I didn’t get any of the personal reflection time that I was craving so badly. I was able to do a bit at the beginning of the week, but completely fell off towards the weekend. It wasn’t all bad – there were phone calls with two old friends I’ve known since, well, since I can remember. There were texts with friends and family. There was some extra reading time. But there wasn’t the opportunity to do the deep reflection I wanted on the past year – the year that, for me, everything changed.
For me, this is a huge downside of not going anywhere – I have no opportunity to get out of my home routine and really focus on something other than work. If given the option, I will almost always take 10 or 20 or even 30 “found” minutes and use them for work-related activities, in an effort to just keep my head above water. That’s something I need to change – because time spent on myself (not work), getting to know myself, and getting my life somewhat in order is essential to my overall well-being.
All of that to say that I didn’t finish my reflections on the past year+. I didn’t finish several of the tasks (for lack of a better word) that I had assigned myself. But you know what? I think I’m okay with that. There is no rule that reflection on the past year has to end at midnight on New Year’s Eve. The reflection police aren’t going to arrest me for reflecting on January 15th instead of January 1st.
I keep saying that the past year was one of big changes for me, but it’s really been the past 3-4 years. It’s going to take time. I want to dig into what I have learned, what I want to bring forward with me, and what I want to leave behind. I want to really think about how my life has been in the last few years, and how I want it to be as I move into my future. I even want to spend some time thinking about further-in-the-past me, to see how I can bring back some pieces of who I was even earlier in my adulthood that I seem to have lost over time. Pieces that seemed so essential to my identity at the time that seem to have disappeared over the years.
You can see why that might take some time. But the thing is, I want to know who I am know. I want to understand who I’ve been. And I want to figure out who I want to be.
As usual, last night’s tea bag was spot on (side note: Yogi tea and Good Earth tea both have the best sayings on their tags…).
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Here’s to 2022. I hope that the start of the year was peaceful and joyful for all of you. I am eager to be back in this space more… as part of that “time for myself” that seems so elusive some days. Thank you, as always for reading my blathering, and for being here, even when I’m only able to post sporadically.
So glad to hear your voice again.
I completely understand – I feel like the last 22+ months life has felt so…unusual. A time vortex meets I’m not sure what. So much global and personal change and as I’ve mentioned several times on my blog – I just did NOT feel ready for 2022.
But here it is. I’ve set some goals, and I finally summoned the energy to fill in some things in my planner. Even there I’m being cautious; right now the kids are supposed to return to school next Monday – a week late – but we will see what happens with COVID. I don’t think I can bear to see a whole bunch of scheduled events canceled, so I just won’t schedule them in hard copy and that way, perhaps, the changes won’t see quite as hard.
I’m sorry that work has been so draining. I don’t have any magic bullet to fix the problem; academia is such a tough calling. It is both all-consuming because people tend to be so passionate and dedicated, and also because there is just so much to manage with teaching, staying on track with institution requirements, and then all the other work that takes so much time and energy like preparing for presentations and submitting proposals to granting agencies.
I hope you manage to find some white space. But you’re 100% right – there is no magic date when things need to be determined or settled, or even any requirement to even think about long-range goals or reflect. For now you can just live in the moment and allow yourself the grace to just “be” and know that the future-think and reflection can take place at a later date.
Happy New Year!
Oh, thanks. I have wanted to be here so much more and… these past few weeks have been busier than I hoped. 😛
I am so sorry that things are so in flux there, and that it’s affecting the kids. I completely get that you are not committing activities / school stuff to paper yet. Until you know for sure… and even then, I don’t know what “for sure” means anymore, to be honest??!?1
You are spot on about academia. It is absolutely all-consuming and multifaceted, and that’s what makes it simultaneously so awesome (I LOVE doing what I want to do, not having someone micromanage me) and so difficult.
The fact that there is no “reflect by this date or lose your opportunity” deadline makes it a bit easier. Honestly? I think that it might take me a few months to sort out what was, what is, and what (I hope) will be. More on that soon, promise.
And on a relatively frivolous side note, I LOVED the picture of the planner you shared on your blog. Did you say it was called Sprouted??? It looked like one I might actually use!!! 🙂
Take care… and stay safe. I hope you and your family are all okay.
Your teabag is very wise. I nearly want to borrow it for one of my designs! Well, the quote, at least.
Also, I think when you say ”I think I’m ok with that” you’re on to something important… accepting that everything except maybe work deadlines, doesn’t have to be ready at a set date, especially when it comes to reflection. We never stop reflecting, and self-growth happens all the time and is a process as I see it.
Isn’t it, though? Yogi tea. They get repetitive (the same sayings are often used for a few months, so when you buy in bulk like I do, well…)
I am so curious about what you do for design work. I suspect it’s something I know absolutely nothing about! Is it graphic design? Some other kind of design? I know you have mentioned it to me before, but I honestly can’t remember the specific type (sorry!).
And I love this: “We never stop reflecting, and self-growth happens all the time”. YES. That’s EXACTLY it. Exactly. As I said to Elisabeth, I think it may take months. And I am okay with that!
Take care… I know things there are tough and I hope the surge is over soon.
I usually don’t talk much about my design at all (except with my husband)! Because I’m so scared that if I do, nothing with it will happen. I know it sounds weird! In 2020 I found that there were such good discounts on Udemy courses that I decided to buy some, and bought a course to learn Adobe InDesign properly. I had been using it for years but had learned it by trial, error and clicking around, so I thought it could be a good thing to learn it for real. And only halfway through the course, I had these aha moments about the enormous potential of Adobe CC programs, and it finally dawned on me “why have I never thought of making graphic design a career?”. So I bought more courses and have been learning since then, although I’m VERY slow with getting somewhere with it, because of my low self-confidence (as always). Since 2020, I’ve studied graphic design theory (I have another more advanced course to do), Adobe Illustrator, and for the moment I’m planning to create things to sell on online marketplaces and when/if I get the courage I’ll offer my services to clients. To begin with I’m creating designs that can be used for prints on t-shirts, notebooks, phone cases and such, and that’s what I wanted to use your teabag quote for. But at this point, I need to worry less and create more!
Oh, fun, Susanne! I didn’t realize you’d put in that much background work and preparation. Wow. It seems like you must really enjoy the design piece and now, having the tools will help you DO something with that! I can’t wait to see what you create – I already know you’re creative, thanks to your music and photography. Seeing what you come up with yourself will be so much fun! (Also, note that I cannot even imagine what “graphic design theory” entails… I’m good at theory for my own work but other disciplines/areas of study are often a bit more challenging!)
I have really worked hard in the latter part of the year to use those little “found” minutes of time for me. It’s so, so easy to log into work and complete a task or two, but it’s also much better for my mental health to have a full break from work and thinking about work. For example, I was really proud of myself for not turning on my work computer ONCE during my winter break, even though I had planned on doing so. I checked in on email once a day on my phone, but didn’t respond to anything. (It probably helped that the last week of the year is a relatively quiet one!) I want to get better about leaving work for work hours, and letting myself enjoy my hobbies in my non-work hours. It’s hard!
I’m sorry to hear that 2021 was a year filled with lots of change and upheaval. I hope you are able to find the time to reflect on this year and think about what you want from 2022. <3
I’m simultaneously amazed and inspired by the change you implemented in stepping away. Honestly? The happiest hours of my day on Christmas were the hours I spent sitting on the couch, reading. I just don’t get to do it enough, and even on vacation I am usually doing doing doing, vs. relaxing. I might need to change that, hm? 🙂
2021 was… a year. And yet, I feel like I’m making it out to be bigger than it is. The more I think about it, the more I want to just share what’s been going on, and what exactly I am processing, because I feel like all of you wonderful people who still come here would have some excellent insights. Still pondering, but definitely leaning towards the “share more” side of things. Stay tuned, I guess?
I am still working through old blog posts by my favorites… but getting a bit more caught up? Maybe?
Oh, and my Florida meeting… is now virtual. I’m relieved and grateful that common sense prevailed. Whew.
Take care of yourself. <3
I am so excited because I have been trouble adding your blog to my feed reader, but I figured it out! Huzzah!
I think it’s hard to really place 2020-2021 in a real place. I’m a bit envious of the people whose lives didn’t really change much (my SIL went to her work at a hospital every day and went on her usual scheduled vacations to the beach/mountains, etc.), but I do hope that when I reflect back on these years, I do see that persevered through some challenges. Or maybe I’ll just be glad I lived through it all. 🙂
Peace to you and here’s to a better 2022!
Oh yay! Glad you’ll be able to see my relatively infrequent posts. 🙂 Feed readers are great. When they’re working. I still miss Google Reader. Sigh.
I think being glad you lived through it all is a perfectly good outcome from all of this… stuff. My life did change, in some ways because of the pandemic, but in other ways just because it was time for those things to change. Some of them were positive changes (so much more comfortable doing deep working like writing at home…where I am warm and getting tea/water/etc. does not require schlepping down the hall) and some were, well, neutral or less positive. That said, we have made it this far!
And I completely agree – time for 2022 to step up and be a better year for all.
I know too well that we always think that we *MUST* use the time before the arrival of the new year to reflect and come up with grand plans… and I often feel paralyzed by it. Maybe it’s not a bad idea to start reflecting a little later, when the new year has settled and we can actually take a deep breath and say “alright, let’s do this now”.
I do hope you make time for yourself though because it is rather easy to keep pushing forward with work and expectations and putting yourself on the backburner again and again.
I know! What is it about that supposedly magic week? (That’s what Elisabeth called it and it made so much sense…) Who on earth can do all the reflecting they need/want to do in a week? (Not me, I can tell you that!) I’ve made it to the middle-ish of the month, I’m still reflecting and it will probably continue for a while. I’d rather do it right (for lack of a better word) than not do it at all! I do wonder if this is a uniquely American thing… do people in Germany feel similar pressure to learn from the year before and then make the new one 100x better?
Totally random, but last night I was thinking about how I view my life in phases, depending on where I was living and what I was doing. It was interesting – and made me think that for my deeper reflections, I might want to revisit those previous “versions” of myself. They were all so different – reminding me that no matter how much I think I haven’t changed, I really have.