Wow. I know everyone says this, every month, but how on earth is it already February? I mean, I’ll never argue with anyone who asserts that January is the longest month, because of course it is, but it seems as though February really snuck up on me this year.
Thank you all, again, for your support and your virtual hugs. It really means a lot… and it’s bolstered me as I take on this rather daunting task of exploring my identity as a newly single middle-aged (sigh) adult. I confess that I did not get as far as I had hoped in reviewing 2021, in all its ups and downs. I did have a few revelations, though…
First, that I was kind of blind to how things were, and in hindsight it seems almost inevitable that we arrived where we did at the end of the year. I am the kind of person who takes notes, so of course I have notes and journal entries from throughout the year. One thing is clear – despite my brief forays into optimism, things were really the same at the beginning of the year as they were closer to the end. In an odd way, that made me feel a bit better about how the year ended. We did try. We did make an effort. It seems like things were just too far gone to salvage the relationship.
I’m continuing my reflection and review into February. I knew this would be a long project, for lack of a better word, and I want to take my time to really explore how I evolved to who I am right now. Which (I hope) will help me figure out how and who I want to be going forward.
Another realization was more of a confirmation of what I already knew about myself. I was too much of a hermit last year. I missed so many opportunities to get out more, to step away, to do something other than well, work. Seeing all those missed opportunities makes me a bit sad. I don’t want to waste that kind of time again. Which means that I have to go into the rest of 2022 with the intention of re-engaging with the world (in a way that feels safe for me, of course).
Which leads to my word of the year (courage, in case you missed it) and my intentions (Be kind. Seek joy.). I was thinking last night whether I’ve shown courage this month. There were a few moments that stood out. Believe it or not, going in to teach last week for the first time in weeks – getting on a crowded bus (thankfully with masked riders) – and putting myself physically in front of a classroom of students took a bit more courage than I anticipated. I’ve been doing this for a while. I like teaching. I love my students. So it was surprising to me that I needed to really needed to pump myself up, in a way, to go into those classrooms. (Of course, it went fine. That doesn’t mean I’m not anxious about tomorrow, though. That’s just who I am!)
And… the other thing I started doing towards the end of the month was seeking joy in every day. Elisabeth writes about joyfinding, a word that I love. My joyfinding this month included a random FaceTime with my parents on Saturday morning, and taking the time to participate in a virtual forum for Daniel Pink’s new book, the Power of Regret. I had preordered the book, which gave me access to the event, and it exceeded my expectations. So many powerful lessons. The best one came from Anne Lamott and her book Bird by Bird (which, for the record, I have not yet read despite it being recommended by many people). The gist of the lesson was that to get things done, you have to take one step at a time. You can only see a few feet in front of you, so focus on that, and taking one step. Then take another. And another. And before you know it, you have completed an entire journey, one step at a time.
For me, that’s a wonderful approach to take this year. One step forward. One small action to seek a bit of adventure in my life. One small joy in each day. Reflecting on what was, what is, and what will be, one step at a time.
(And yes, I will be reading her book now… that lesson tipped it for me…)
Although I haven’t read the book, reading the reviews of it led me to this quote, which seems appropriate…
“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up.”
Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird
During November last year, I pushed myself to write something I was grateful for every day. I think of my every days as sort of same same same and Elisabeth’s joyfinding is fascinating to me because I so rarely find the joy in the every day. Maybe I should make myself write something joyful every day. It would probably force me out of my routines, which wouldn’t be a bad thing!
You know, I think there’s a difference between gratitude and joy. At least for me, there is. I always had difficulty identifying three things or five things or even one thing that I was grateful for. I find it so much easier to find joy – things that make me smile. That remind me that it’s good to be me, right here, right now.
This morning’s joy was the fact that it was above 0 and I wasn’t a popsicle by the time the bus came. 😉
I am the worst about changing routines. Once I start doing something one way it is soooo hard to break me out of it!
I love hearing your voice on here, Anne.
Definitely agree with you that January flew by (shockingly enough, because I found it to be an especially tough month).
I’m so glad you’re joining me on this joyfinding expedition!
I read Bird by Bird and did like it; but my favourite book on writing so far has been Stephen King’s book simply called: On Writing. I like all the anecdotes and no-nonsense approach to writing and life. I am NOT a horror/thriller fan and went through only a brief phase of reading his books, but I thought this memoir/how-to to be excellent. Oh, and Julia Cameron’s books are typically incredible for life/creative wisdom.
Elisabeth, I love reading your comments here! And yes, isn’t it odd how January is just… gone? We’re already 3 days into February, for Pete’s sake!
I am finding joyfinding to be a much better fit for me than identifying things for which I was grateful. I’m not sure why, but there are definitely bright spots of joy in each day… and it makes me so happy to identify them! (It’s almost like joy^2, because I get to experience it, then remember that it happened…:>)
Oh, thanks for the suggestions on writing and life advice. Although I am not a writer (just a researcher who writes a lot), I do find that advice given for creative pursuits often aligns with what I do. Why? I’m not sure… “people” always say that research is not creative, but I would beg to differ. It takes a lot of creativity and thinking outside of the box to come up with questions that haven’t been answered, but should, and then to try to figure out just how one can try to answer those questions! It makes my brain hurt some days. 🙂
Thank you, again, for just being here.
I love that you’re doing your own joyfinding mission! I think it’s so important to seek out little moments of joy every day. Today, I have a really busy day filled with back-to-back meetings where I’m going to have to be “on,” so I treated myself to Starbucks breakfast this morning! I love finding little ways to improve daily life. 🙂
I think it has been really easy for us to get stuck in a hermit mindset with this never-ending pandemic. I, too, have a tendency to hermit and while it is very nice to have those days where I don’t have to see anyone/do anything, I also know I am so much happier when I do. For you, this year will probably be about finding ways to do things alone and discover what your life looks like as a single person, which can be terrifying but also quite freeing. I’m here for you during this period!
Stephany, your comments are always so heartfelt and so kind. Thank you. Moments of joy are much easier for me than “things for which I am grateful”. That just doesn’t work as well for me. And yes! To the Starbucks treat. Sometimes I just want someone else to make my coffee (even though I have to drive there, then sit in the drive-thru line, then come home and heat it up…). I treated myself on… hm. Some day this past weekend. Is it really bad that I cannot remember which day?
I know you are also a natural hermit but I’m right there with you that engaging with others (OUTSIDE of the computer!) is a good thing for me. My joy yesterday was realizing that despite my misgivings, it is so, so good to be back in person with my students. I just love being able to see their faces, to look around the table(s) and see who is really engaged and who is off daydreaming. I love hearing their responses in real time without audio feedback. 🙂
You are absolutely right that I need to settle into being a single person, and figure out how to do things alone, again. The security blanket of the “other person” isn’t there any more – but that doesn’t mean I stop exploring! Knowing you have been here so recently helps a ton. I know I’m not doing this alone! And it also makes me wish I could channel some of your friend-making abilities, because good grief, I am in awe of the strength of your friendships and relationships in general. <3
I love how you close 2021 knowing what didn’t go well, but kicking off 2022 with all these good things you have in mind for making it a better year with more joy and kindness and being YOU.
Getting out more is a great mission for this year. I admire you for having the courage to get on a crowded bus! I do NOT have that courage yet. I may have the courage to go into a pub during not-so-busy hours for a quick drink and that’s it for now.
The step-by-step approach sounds very clever and one I should adopt for my decluttering project too – I probably have had it all along but when I get stuck and later rediscover the huge need for serious decluttering, I can sometimes go into near-panic mode.
As you know I’ve also been isolating and lately, I’ve started to realise how much it affects my mental health. Too much time with my own brain! Every time I do something that resembles normal, like having a chat with someone, even if it’s on Zoom, I start feeling normal and my mood picks up. Even more if I meet someone for real! This year I’ll also get out more, and I’ve started planning to “retrain” myself into society and perhaps later this month we’ll go for a coffee somewhere that doesn’t feel too unsafe.
And yes, January is longer than any other month, but isn’t it great that it passes quickly somehow anyway?!
Thank you so much, as always, Susanne. I do hope that I can meet my goal of just getting out more. I’m trying to make it concrete. And, “getting out” has a rather broad definition. As in, taking a trip to Trader Joe’s (it’s been… well over a year), or returning books to the used bookstore, or just exploring one of our little towns that encircle the larger town. I hope this will help me adapt to the idea of re-engaging with the world!
OK, so re: the decluttering thing? The same thing happens to me. I start trying to do it all at once and then get overwhelmed and then just give up. So I definitely think the step-by-step approach works here, too. Like, this week. I need to figure out who will accept my plethora of wooden hangers – the thrift shop? Other donation sites in the county? My (ex) mother in law? If I can get that done, then the next step is getting the darn things out of my closet! I also saw this today: https://food52.com/blog/27031-one-thing-a-day-decluttering-method, which I thought was genius. One thing a day! What a great idea! Anyway, just some ideas from me that you probably didn’t need. 🙂
Oh, I am so glad you realized that not connecting was impacting your mental health. It sounds like you know EXACTLY what to do in response! I always lament that our family Zooms will take away from work time and then realize… um, family is more important than work. Sheesh. Sometimes I roll my eyes at myself. 🙂
Happy February, Susanne. I hope that the march towards Spring is a good one for you!