Oh, friends. Despite my best efforts and intentions, it seems I can’t get here to write more frequently than every two weeks or so. I guess that is what will have to do, for now. I have so many things that I think of sharing with all of you during my days, and they never make it to the screen (and, perhaps you should be grateful for that, as my mind is truly a Random Idea Generator).
As so many have acknowledged on their own blogs, the world is just so heavy right now. War, the pandemic, ongoing political… um… let’s go with ‘messiness’ and leave it there for now, here in the US, and on top of that all of the individual things we all deal with on a daily – sometimes hourly – basis.
It’s a lot. Being human is hard (I had a “sometimes” here and then realized that, no, really, being human is hard). Being an empathetic, caring human who thinks about others, and worries about the world, is even harder.
And yet. I have to believe that somehow, some good will come from all of this. I believe that because to think otherwise would mean giving up on our future, on our ability to eventually shift the currents of life so they lead to a better world. If I didn’t think change was possible (again, eventually), I don’t think I could get out of bed in the mornings. It’s been hard enough as it is – with the tail end of winter reminding us northerners that we’re not quite done with it yet.
Your blogs give me hope. Knowing that there are people doing good things gives me hope.
Yet I struggle with the smallness of my own life, and wonder whether I’m putting enough good back into the world to eventually shift the balance. I am still having trouble finding the courage to put myself out there. I am struggling with finding joy in my daily life. The one element of my 2022 intentions that is going reasonably well is the “be kind” part and, well, that’s just sort of who I am, so it’s kind of a gimme. (Is that cheating on my intentions, if I use something that I generally do anyway? I am going to say it isn’t…)
Life is about to force my hand, though. Thursday morning I am driving 4 hours round trip to present a poster at a regional conference. I thought about attending the whole conference but the monetary and time costs were prohibitive. Still, though – I’ll be with hundreds of other people for the first time since you-know-when. That might chew up my courage reserve for the month! But oh, there will be joy in once again sharing science and friendship with people I’ve met through the years.
I feel a bit like I am going from 0-60 in terms of seeing and interacting with people. From hermit to conference. I’m sure it will be fine – I just hope that I remember how to talk in front of a large group!
As Brene Brown said… “You can choose courage or you can choose comfort. You cannot have both.”
I guess it’s time for me to really choose courage.
I hope that you are all hanging in there amidst the uncertainty, the upheaval, the challenges that Life These Days is presenting to all of us. Knowing you are all out there, dealing with the same things (in addition to many other things I don’t have to deal with in my own life!) helps tremendously. I hope it helps to know that I’m here, too, trying to put some good back out into the universe.
I went to a conference last week and it was the same thing – from hanging out in my house and only seeing my husband to seeing LOTS of people all at once. It was weird at first and then it was normal so quickly. My only frustration is that handshaking seems to have made a comeback and I turned into Spencer Reid just waving at people who put their hands out to me to shake.
Anyway, good luck with the travel and the conference! It will be great!!
I know – I was thinking of you! I was hoping it went well. And, oh, man, I do not want to shake hands (for multiple reasons). Sigh. I’ll be the waver at this conference, I suspect. Plus, nurses tend to be touchy-feely, and this is a group where I know multiple people. So I shudder to think that someone might go in for a hug. Yikes. I’ll report back! I’m sure it will be fine. (Right?)
Also, thank you for the recommendation of Great Big Sea. They are on my “really good playlist” and I love everything that has popped up so far.
I know what you mean about the random idea generator brain! I also have so many little “aha!” moments here and there where I think of something and wish I could write about it, but then the moment passes, or I don’t have the chance, and then later I either kind of forget what I was thinking about or the mood to discuss that topic passes… or I sometimes feel I have so many thoughts on a certain topic that I can’t figure out how to succinctly organize it all into a short blog post, so I just give up. Hahaha!
This is it, exactly. Although, I do have two questions I want to post and I’ve had them in my head a while, so they might actually make it to the blog.
I do wonder if it’s a characteristic of people who write “real-life” blogs… this engagement with an online community to expand one’s options for conversation? I think that’s one reason that I gravitate towards the blogs that I read most often. (Speaking of which, still reading yours but again, not showing up in Feedly… and when I read it in my email on my phone I often forget to comment! I need to adjust my behavior. LOVED the posts from your vacation!)
Hi Anne! It’s always lovely to “hear” your voice whenever you’re able to carve out the time. Don’t beat yourself up on frequency at all! There is no race or medal. Show up when you can and we’ll be here.
All the best at the conference. It is so…weird…to do “normal” things again. It does feel like I have one foot in the pre-COVID world, one foot in the COVID world, and one foot in the post-COVID world which is both confusing and impossible since I only have two feet – maybe that’s why everything still feels so off-kilter.
And I LOVE your idea of the mind being a Random Idea Generator – this is me. THIS IS ME!!!!
Thanks for the reassurance on posting frequency. I think it’s that I have so many things that I want to share, and I get frustrated when I don’t have the time to do so. Given the randomness of my brain, though, this may ultimately be a benefit to all of you. Ha!
I am simultaneously dreading and looking forward to the conference. Something different! With people! Yay! Also, something different! With people! YIKES! We’ll see how it goes tomorrow… right now my goal is to get there in one piece and not completely blow my mini-presentation (3 minutes, but still…). I shall report back.
And I am so glad that I am not the only person who is a random idea generator. Can you imagine if we were all in a room together? The flight of ideas would be hilarious, if we didn’t censor our thoughts. There are two questions that I have that I may actually post, though – they’ve “stuck” in my brain longer than most, so the chances are higher that they’ll eventually hit the screen. We shall see!
Hi Anne – the conference will certainly be an opportunity for you to show courage – both in terms of being around people and in talking in front of a group (but didn’t you do that a while ago?).
When I read your phrase “..whether I put enough good back into the world..” it makes me a bit sad. Please, don’t put that stress upon yourself. Everyone doesn’t have to do big things. You ARE enough by being YOU and by being one who cares and who does the right things. You’re so loaded with work and everything else, so please don’t put extra stress on yourself! Especially if you’re already struggling with finding joy… be nice to yourself, look for the small moments of joy (morning coffee, ray of sunshine, etc).
And yes, it’s hard being a caring human… my friend tells me I struggle because I’m intelligent and sensitive – that probably would describe you too.
Susanne, thank you. You hit it right on the head again… I put a lot of pressure on myself to not only succeed at work, but to also be, well, a good, caring, and evolving human being. It seems like this comes so much more easily to others, but I forget that work makes up a much larger proportion of my life, compared to many people. (At least, this is my perception – I know there are plenty of other people who work more than I do, but I’m probably on the higher end of the curve…)
I think it’s also the challenge of, how much do I tie my self-worth to work? Right now, it’s a lot, given where I am in my career. But that is not going to be the case forever, and then what? If I don’t start building a life outside of work now… will I be able to do so in the future? I have all of these aspirations to see new places, meet some new people (and maybe make some friends?), and actually live my life.
It is hard when we care almost TOO much – and I wonder if that is a common characteristic of those of us who chose nursing as a career? that focus on care, not cure. It colors so much of what I do…in my work, and in my life. I call it “worrying” a lot – as in, I worry about my friends, about my family, about the state of the world. Not something we can turn off, but perhaps something I can manage better…
Obviously nothing conclusive or earth-shaking here, but a lot more food for thought. Thank you, as always, friend. <3
I think it’s always a good thing to create your self-worth outside work. So much of the world’s attitude is that “you are what you do/your profession” and we have to change that! I’ve felt very lost at times after I left my nursing career because of this and it’s so wrong! I still struggle with it, and sort of feel upset because I got back some kind of feeling of self-worth only after I found another career plan that had potential, or felt that I was good at something… it’s wrong. Self-worth should lie in who we are.
Caring too much… yes it’s hard. But still, the world needs more of it. I think it’s something we need to learn to handle, and balance.
This prompted a lot of reflection, Susanne. More than I can put in a comment reply… I suspect you have now prompted another post idea. Thanks! (You may regret this when I do write the post… as it’s a bunch of jumbled thoughts at this point.)
One thing that IS clear to me, though, is that I do tie most of my self-worth to my work. And, part of me wonders whether this is because I do not have a lot of other common roles (not sure if that the right word but it is the only one that comes to mind right now…) that others do. I am not a spouse, or a mother. I don’t have many friends, and so on. And because I focus so much of my time on work, well, it seems as though that’s where I’ve landed when it comes to determining my self-worth. So much to think about here – and perhaps, time for some reflection on how I can have the courage to establish other foundations for my self-worth.
I think the world needs those of us who feel and care too much to balance those who … shall we say … do not feel or care enough?
Like others have said, show up when you can – there is no judgment from us. We love hearing from you and if you can only check in every few weeks, that’s okay! You do what feels good to you. <3 I hope you have a good time at the conference – and can enjoy a good audiobook or podcast series on the way to and from!
I survived! And yes, an audiobook would have been a better alternative to the sound of me cursing the trucks changing lanes in the snow. Yes, snow. It was a hideous drive down that I think requires a bit more detailing on the blog. 🙂 (Note that yes, the conference was 3/31. And yes, we had snow. With more forecast for tomorrow. Wanna move to WI? ;>) My problem is that I have NEVER gotten into audiobooks. They seriously put me to sleep! I don’t know how to fix that, either. Sigh.
The conference was good but also prompted some deeper than anticipated thinking about a few things I’ve been struggling with in terms of self-image. Unexpected but… well… maybe necessary? Stay tuned, of course. Always love reading your comments, friend. <3
Dear Anne, I am catching up on blogs (and you already know – and guessed – about my absence in the online space) and even though this is an older post, you know I relate to it so much and I want to send a warm hug your way. Please don’t worry about the frequency of your posting – we’re all here soaking up your words and wisdom whenever you’re able to share.
Knowing that you – and some other wonderful souls – are out there, doing good and giving back a little hope to the world, truly is what makes me get out of bed in the morning.
I hope the poster presentation went well. I don’t doubt you did a great job!
San, I can’t tell me how happy I was to not see you around the blogosphere for a few weeks. It must have been so wonderful to finally see, hug, and spend time with your family after so much time apart. Makes my heart happy. 🙂
And thank you, as always, for your kind comment. Yes – knowing that there are others out there trying to do good, upholding social norms, being kind to others, bringing hope… – it is what keeps me going, too. I am reminded of it every time I look at my Feedly queue, or whenever I read comments on this blog. Maybe the reason we are all spread out is so that we can bring some light to different places. 🙂
And yes, the presentation went surprisingly well, although I was very glad that I had not committed to the full conference. I was just not ready yet! All good, though, and it’s over now! Time to write the paper. 😉