I was thinking about this this morning, as I put on a very casual outfit for the day (think leggings + hoodie). I teach this afternoon, but I’m kind of over the idea of “dressing up” to teach for 2 hours. I’d rather be comfortable – and the students honestly do not care. Plus, I rarely see anyone else (faculty, administration, deans, etc.) when I go into the building this late in the day.
Which is why it surprised me to have a voice pop into my head from, I kid you not, my junior year in college. It was summer – this might have had something to do with the connection my mind made – and I was taking classes in an effort to graduate early and get work experience as soon as possible. (The fact that this did not work out – at all – is a story for another day… I graduated early but the whole ‘work experience’ thing did not happen…) My roommate and I were in our rotation for psych/mental health, and we were placed at a locked-down mental health facility (it had skeleton keys – we were issued one each on the first day of our rotation). We were told to wear “street clothes”, which in those days meant a Gap short-sleeved t-shirt and khakis (also Gap. yes, it was the late 90s). I will never forget the day that I had my evaluation with the professor and she told me to my face that I dressed horribly and ‘looked like a patient’. This might be the time to point out that my roommate was literally wearing the same outfit. But she only said it to me.
And that was what I heard in my head this morning when I put on my perfectly appropriate, clean clothing for the day. Which, of course, led me to second guess what I had put on for the day.
And THAT got me wondering about why these random voices from my past – this is not the only one – pop into my head. Still. And why they are almost all disparaging comments. I suspect the reason has something to do with the fact that I am (still) not confident in who I am, despite my assertions to the contrary. That I still compare myself to others, and find myself lacking.
I guess the key is that I don’t need to listen to these voices. But it’s hard to break a habit I’ve had for years. Perhaps the best way forward is just to continue to ignore them – as best I can – and remember that I am my own person. That I know what I want, and what I need. And that I don’t need to justify my wardrobe, my existence, or anything else about me to anyone else. And, perhaps, figure out some way to build my confidence in myself. Maybe this will come naturally as I move more fully into a life on my own, without a partner. I suspect it will take a bit more work, though. The question is, am I prepared to (finally) put in that work? I guess time will tell.
“You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.”
― Maya Angelou
You just brought back a memory from 1997 when we had mock interviews in college and had to dress up in business clothes. Every woman who wore a pants got points taken off for being “unprofessional”. Now the laugh is on whoever made those rules because in 2021/2022 when I interview my standard is to put on jeans instead of sweats.
Oh, my – only the women got points taken off, though. I do remember the days of having to wear a skirt suit to interviews, and how much I HATED it. I hated suits in general, too. Hence why I will never, ever (ever, ever) go into administration. Heck. No. I’m more in your camp – my biggest question on a given day is, leggings? joggers? or yoga pants? And then, how schlumpy can I be in terms of my top? Do I need to wear a nice sweater with my comfy pants? Or can I get away with a fleece (yes for today) or a sweatshirt (Friday!). I’ve given up on trying to dress to someone else’s professional standard – I just wish that I could get this instructor’s voice out of my head. Sheesh. It’s been over 20 years! (Hope you’re in your sweats today….)
I think there’s something to be said about recognizing these voices in your head, and knowing that they are just that: voices from your past. They aren’t your true thoughts or anything you truly BELIEVE. Once we start understanding these little voices, we can start to dismantle what they say and stop listening to them at all.
I think we all have these small, disparaging voices. I know I do. I have the sad girl inside of me who remembers the time someone said “put some clothes on!” when I was 11 and biking in a pair of long pants and a sports bra. Now I look at these half-shirts every girl is wearing these days and hear that voice in my head, so I walk right past those shirts. (I mean, not that I really want to be wearing those shirts, but it is crazy that I still remember that one tiny comment made by a strange boy over 20 years ago, but cannot remember what I had for lunch yesterday.)
I think you are absolutely right, Stephany, about recognizing and then *acknowledging* these voices as just that, voices. Learning to do that and then set them aside (while saying thanks, not helpful!) is such a key step, and clearly I am not quite there yet!
And, okay, I am SEETHING at the story you told about the person who actually had the gall to comment on your body. What. The. Hell. I mean, excuse my language, but that is literally NEVER OKAY. Never ever ever, under any circumstances. I just… yeah. I’m sorry you had to hear that – and I’m just as sorry that you recall that comment to this day. I know many of us have similar experiences, so thank you for sharing yours (so appreciate your openness and vulnerability). <3
Ummm…so this is a HUGE topic and post and…thank you for posting it and writing about it honestly and in such a relatable way. We all struggle with confidence and self-doubt, but often try to keep those feelings close to our chest.
I’ve come a long way in terms of self-confidence, but it is still a (daily) battle. And those voices – either generally or specifically like your experience with that HORRIFIC professor evaluation – can echo for so, so long.
Your outfit sounds comfortable and wonderful, just like you! Hope you have a fabulous day.
You are so right, Elisabeth – they echo, and they continue to do so for YEARS. It’s helpful – but also so dang frustrating – that so many of us share similar experiences. These voices “stick”, for some reason. And the fact that my brain still (unhelpfully, ha) brings them up is so frustrating.
And yes, I was quite comfortable, thank you, and quite appropriately dressed. It’s a summer course, for pete’s sake. I’m not asking them to wear 3-piece suits, and I shouldn’t be required to, either. (Note: I actually chose not to consider some universities when looking for a position, knowing that their culture tended towards more formal dress… whereas my institution [as you can probably tell] is more open to diverse expressions in the form of our daily clothing choices… as long as we are covered. Ha!)
Oh, these voices can be so damaging! Comments like that in your youth tend to get glued into your head and that’s why I’m struggling so much with self-doubt. It’s only lately that I’ve started to not care as much as I used to. It takes time to get into new thinking habits but work on it and you’ll get there.
Glued! Yes, they’re literally stuck there, in my head. On a loop. As I mentioned to Elisabeth and Stephany, it’s so helpful – but so frustrating – to know that almost all of us have these types of voices popping up at the most inopportune times. And self-doubt is a good way to think about it – I am (seriously, this sounds so dumb) doubting my ability to choose appropriate clothing for my work? Really? And yet… that’s just what happened Tuesday. I appreciate you mentioning just how long it is taking you to learn to ignore your voices (Although, goodness, I’m so sorry that you have similar experiences…). It’s not a quick fix, is it?
I am sorry to hear that you were spoken to in that way and that it has had such a long term effect on you. It is no surprise to me that so many of your random voices from the past are the disparaging ones, it will be because you have no been able to process them yet so they are still floating round your thoughts coming to the forefront when we are ‘triggered’ by something similar that they then latch on to.
Being confident in yourself can be a hard thing to achieve, but when you do get there it is a revelation. If it was me I would be thinking and focusing on why I am not confident in myself rather than trying to work at achieving it. If you don’t do that work it would be like trying to build a house without foundations.
I love a day in comfortable clothes, or very casual as you describe them however they are not my usual attire. After the birth of my first child I decided that I wanted to continue to wear all the lovely smarter (not suits but somewhere in between) clothes I had in my wardrobe as otherwise they would not get worn. I guess you could call my look smart casual, I am not one for labels so I am not sure how to describe it, it is comfy for me so that is all that matters isn’t it?
Augh, I had a whole response written out and the site ate it! Now I have to try to remember it…
I do think that figuring out why I am not confident and making changes are inextricably linked – if I don’t know why I am not confident, then how on earth can I change it? I also tend to give more credence to the negative comments, which kind of cements them in my mind. I’m not sure why that is, but it would be interesting to explore. And, oh, it’s so interesting that your “default” wardrobe is not quite as casual as mine. I guess I figured most people would default to “Comfy” vs. “smart”, but your explanation totally makes sense!
It IS hard to break the habit of listening to the voices, all we can do is try, and then try again. We don’t need to justify ourselves to other people, but boy, that is easier said than done, isn’t it? Occasionally a voice will pop into my head and it takes some time to rewrite the script.
Great post!
I like the idea of rewriting the script. It’s such a learned response to remember – and then respond to – the voices. I do much better if I just ignore them but sometimes easier said than done… It’s frustrating, but also oddly reassuring, to know that other people have similar voices in their heads. Sometimes knowing you are not alone in your struggles can really help. 🙂
Sometimes when I’m talking to children, I wonder what stupid thing I say will stick with them. When my niece was really little (five? six?), she had just been to vacation Bible school. We were working on a jigsaw puzzle together and she asked me, the only atheist in a houseful of good Catholics “why did the Jews kill Jesus?” and boy did I founder. Once I was in a car with my nephew (9) and his mom and he asked me why I didn’t go to church like the rest of the family. When I told him that I didn’t go because I don’t believe in God, I could see his mom wince. I just have to hope that my mistakes/goofs/uncertainties don’t haunt these kids forever. And I wonder how many of the adults said the things that I often hear in a loop in my head really meant for me to internalize those things so solidly. May we all have grace and understanding for one another.
Oh, my goodness. What sticky situations! You did a great job replying to their questions, in the opinion of a fellow non-believer (I lean a bit more towards being an agnostic). I also don’t see these as mistakes – you’re helping them learn that there are other ways of being in the world, and that there are people with different beliefs. And, that they may be related to some of these people who don’t live life exactly the way their family does. This is a good thing! I’m sorry your nephew’s mom winced rather than speaking up and supporting the reality that people (we love) believe different things. But I don’t think you messed these kids up for life, really. 🙂
She said what? You dress horribly and… gasp… look like a patient? What a horrible thing to say to a) you (or anyone!) and b) for someone, who works in the mental health field (if only teaching).
What exactly does a “patient” look like in her eyes? (Wearing Gap, apparently.)
I can relate to “voices” from the past. I’ve always been more on the insecure sight and often placed value on others opinions, even though I tried to pretend that I didn’t really care at all…. it’s hard to build self-esteem when it can be torn down so easily (and carelessly, mind you! ) by others.
But I’ve learned over time that I am most confident, when I feel my best (and that includes the clothing I wear). If others disapprove of that, I don’t care.
I am lucky though that in my field of work, I can pretty much wear what I want… scientists are all not fashion icons.
San, this:
But I’ve learned over time that I am most confident, when I feel my best (and that includes the clothing I wear). If others disapprove of that, I don’t care.
I am lucky though that in my field of work, I can pretty much wear what I want… scientists are all not fashion icons.
Is EXACTLY where I am trying to get re: my clothing and body image. If they’re looking that closely at me, that’s their problem. As long as I am clean, dressed, and maybe even match a bit (ha), I consider that a good day. Those who disagree can jump in a lake. 😉
And YES to the “fashion sense” of scientists. Perhaps a bit less common in the academic environment, but my school is particularly good about not dictating any dress code (other than the above, clean, covered, dressed, ha). Other schools, it’s the “culture” that you wear a suit or the equivalent. Um, no. Not for me! So I choose not to work there.