It’s been a while. A long while. Even for me. There are reasons, but first, again, I’m sorry for the disappearance. I still need this space to process, to think out loud, to send my inner ponderings out into the universe, even if it’s kind of anonymous. There’s something about writing here that reminds me that I don’t just exist in a vacuum – I’m still part of the world, despite feeling disconnected at times.
Right now, though, I’m overwhelmed by disappointment and frustration. Why, you ask? After planning for months and (finally) starting to feel a sense of anticipation (with, admittedly, a side of trepidation), I’ve had to cancel my trip to Ireland at the end of the month. The reason for this is also what has been keeping me from the blog.
While I’m not critically ill, I have been dealing with unpredictable and worsening health issues for the last year. This is in addition to the challenges created by my shoulder fracture and surgery last summer. It’s been A Year, and it’s not over yet, unfortunately. The uncertainty created by my health is the reason I had to cancel the Ireland trip. That uncertainty, plus the time taken up by the many appointments and tests I’ve had to try to pinpoint the reason for my issues, the mental load of trying to find an answer, and the symptoms themselves, have made it more and more difficult to show up here.
The worst part is, I need this space more than ever. I need to have some small way of showing that I am still here. That I’m not reduced to just a mystery diagnosis. That I am not just the person who is currently not well. I’m also someone who can still take time for introspection. For connection. For community. Even when I’m mostly restricted to doing that online. In a way, I feel like I’m back under a stay-close-to-home order. Travel, right now, is not a good option for me. I was able to travel to visit my family out East this past week – more to come on that, I hope – only because I took complete control by driving myself. That meant I could stop at any time if need be. If I needed to get off a plane – or deal with symptoms – at 30,000 feet and halfway over the Atlantic, well, that would be a bit more difficult.
So I’m dealing with the disappointment. The lack of energy, and the frustration at not knowing why my life has evolved (devolved?) into a seemingly never ending cycle of appointments and symptoms and exhaustion. Notice that I didn’t say I’m dealing well with it. I used to be a healthy person. I used to take pride in my health and my body’s capabilities. Having a body that betrays you sucks.
I’m not writing this to garner sympathy. It’s just reality. Eventually – maybe? hopefully? – we’ll figure out why things are so bad for me right now. Until then, I’m just going to hang on as best I can. I’m going to show up here, but not as often as I’d like. I’m going to (eventually) show up in your comment threads. I need this space and these connections. Thank you for reminding me that I am more than just a bunch of symptoms held together with frustration and (sometimes) anger. <3
Anne, we are here for you – whether you write or not and whether you read our blogs or not. You are a very important part of this world.
I’m so sorry that you have a huge unknown on your plate. IT SUCKS AND IT’S NOT FAIR AND YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS.
Thank you so much for this. <3 Having the support of this (wonderful) community helps me deal with all of the rest. The appointments, needing help with some things, the mental load... It's hard to be vulnerable. But comments like yours make it so much easier. <3 And no, it's not fair. I hope that all of the tests and consults and other stuff will (eventually) lead to some answers, and maybe a plan? Then, perhaps it will seem like the world has straightened out a bit. 🙂
Wow… this sounds tough. Health issues are the worst, and so frustrating that you don’t know exactly what’s going on.
I hope publishing this post makes you feel better. I know when I get really busy and off my usual posting schedule, I don’t feel good about it. Just creating SOMETHING and putting it out there, and interacting with the blogging community is very fulfilling.
I hope things turn around for you, and you get some answers. And I hope the trip to visit your family was nice, and that we’ll get to hear about it!
Thanks, Jenny. It’s definitely not easy. But it’s so much easier knowing I can still show up here. This is actually one of my favorite ways to interact with people right now – online, not time-dependent (like meetings, or classes), etc. It’s a bonus that I love reading about the lives of the bloggers I follow. 🙂 So I’ll just live vicariously through all of you for the time being. (Which is super-fun when the people who share THEIR lives do things like, you know, crazy ultra races. ;>)
I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this Anne. You show up so consistently in comments on my blog and leave such thoughtful and lovely responses; you are very much loved in this online space, but our appreciation and support extend beyond the boundaries of the internet – we’re invested in your well-being both emotionally and physically. So thanks for showing up when you can and updating us on what’s going on – including the “hard.”
I’m hoping desperately that you get answers to your ongoing health issues soon.
Thank you so much, Elisabeth. It’s not easy – and it’s not easy sharing what a struggle it’s been. That said, the support from you and the other bloggers who have, somewhat unexpectedly, become so important to me over the last few years, is unbelievably helpful. Just knowing you’re all out there and rooting for me to beat this makes me feel better. 🙂
There is a plan – now it is just getting everyone on the same page, and hopefully getting some more tests done soon. If that can happen, then we might have a better idea of what the next steps after THAT will be!
Even though you said you don’t want sympathy, I am still so sorry and sad you are going through this. Things like this take over your life and I totally get why you say you don’t want this to be what defines you! I hope the endless appointments slow down soon and they figure out what is going on and help you get back to you and have this just be something in the background. Until then, sending you lots of love, and hope that you are getting the mental and physical rest you need from how hard this all is.
I am glad you got to see family! And so sorry you had to cancel Ireland 🙁
Kim, I know you get it. You’ve been dealing with those dang clots for what seems like forever (and if it seems like forever to me… I can’t imagine what it feels like for you!). The endless appointments may slow down a bit now, but I also suspect they’ll ramp back up if and when I can get another one of the tests they want. It’s not something that can be scheduled far in advance, though. I can’t wait to have it behind me, for sure!
Family was awesome – I know you love your own trips to see yours – and now that I think more about it, it would NOT be good to be in Ireland if I were feeling the way I am now. I’d rather go when I’m feeling better and have a lot more energy!
Oh Anne, that is so hard! Unknowns take up so much energy and brain space – my heart goes out to you. Show up as you can where you can – but know I’m sending you so many good thoughts as you navigate this and hope you get a laugh when-or-if ever you stop by my page!!
Lindsay, you hit it on the head – it takes up so much energy and brain space. Which, thankyouverymuch, I’d like to use for other things! Like hiking, or reading, or (sigh) traveling. In the meantime, though, it’s time to conserve energy and living vicariously through you and the other bloggers I love to follow helps tremendously. 🙂 Your blog always makes me smile – your kiddo sounds like a (wonderful) piece of work, and I love that you’re helping her be her whole self.
Anne, I am so sorry what you’re going through. I know what it feels like to cancel a big trip on such short notice, so I am heartbroken for you ( because on top of everything you have to deal with in re: to the unknown health issues, it’s taken away something that you were so much looking forward to).
Like Birchie said, we’re here for you – regardless of how often you post or if you read our blogs. Just know you can reach out anytime (via email) if you need something.
Thank you, friend. I appreciate the support. <3 I know you get the trip cancelation disappointment (although my situation is definitely not as bad as having a family trip canceled…). Having your support and the support from everyone posting here makes all the difference in the world. Your posts make me smile, and your do-what-you-can-when-you-can approach to life is something I hope to emulate as I navigate through this. 🙂
Oh Anne! I’m so sorry that you are going through all of this. So many health issues, and then having to cancel a trip to Ireland? How disappointing and exhausting.
We are all here for you! Take care of yourself. I hope you heal or get some answers soon.
Thanks, Nicole. I know you have your own major stressors going on right now… this just happens to be mine. I know I’ll come out the other side of it, eventually, but being mired in the middle makes for a frustrating time, to be sure. I so appreciate everyone who is showing up here – and who is sharing their own lives (and, um, puppy pictures :>). Reading all of your posts is the best escape ever. <3
It fills my heart with joy to see so many comments reminding you what a loved and cherished part of our little blogging world you are. And it’s so very true. You consistently show up for us, and I am proud of you for giving us a glimpse into what daily life has been like for you. Dealing with mystery health issues, and the accompanying doctor’s visits and tests, is not an easy thing and I hope you are able to find the answers you need soon. We’re here for you, no matter how many weeks you go between posts. <3
Stephany, I have never quite felt the love like I have on this post. What a wonderful little community we’ve built. <3 So much love! Like I said to Nicole, reading all of YOUR blogs is the best distraction I can get, and sometimes when I feel like I can't do much else, I can at least do that. 🙂 Pictures of floofy cats and adorable small - and, in Nicole's case, BIG - dogs makes any day better. Having this space to process - in addition to my private journal(s) and writings - is still so new to me, but oh, sharing really does make it just a bit easier. <3
I know just what you mean about needing blog space to process at the exact time you absolutely don’t feel like you can write about the thing you need to process. Ugh– so sorry to hear you are having health issues and that you had to cancel your trip. I hope all the anxiety and worry is soon behind you.
Exactly. Sometimes coming here is better – in some weird way – than my personal journal(s). Or even my one-to-one therapy sessions. There’s something about having this group of virtual friends ‘out there’ that is just, well, different. Part of it is definitely the reciprocity aspect – reading about all of your lives is the best distraction ever. Bonus points for cute pets and cute kids. 🙂 I hope that we find some answers soon, too. There has to be one – we just haven’t hit on it, right?
I’m so sorry to hear about the difficulty in getting a diagnosis and that you had to cancel a trip you were looking forward to so much. I do hope it brings you some comfort that you have access to some of the best healthcare in the world. I mean, if anyone can figure out out, surely they can.
Also, you’re not alone. It might feel that way, but in addition to the great blogging community you’ve built up, there’s a community of there made up of people with complicated health journeys who might be good resources for you, in terms of technical and emotional support.
That’s weird – it’s showing that you don’t have any approved comments? Huh. Strange. Anyway! thanks for your sympathy – and you’re right, it is an absolute privilege to have access to providers who are interested in and dedicated to figuring out these kinds of conundrums.
You’re also right about the vast communities of support for people who are living with health issues… my main barrier is that I don’t (yet) want to identify as “someone with health issues”, despite all evidence to the contrary. I imagine I will get there, someday, but at the moment, I’ll just plug along thinking of myself as someone who is relatively well most of the time, who happens to have debilitating episodes of some-as-yet-unknown condition. 🙂
It seems like you’re handling this so well, and when you get to go on that trip it’s going to be even more amazing because of all you had to go through to get there. I know you don’t want sympathy but I still feel for you!!
Thanks, Gretchen. It’s not been easy but I do know that I’m doing what I can to figure out what’s going on. I know I’ll get to take my trip at some point in the (hopefully near) future. For now, I’ll know I made the right decision. 🙂
Hi Anne, I am a new reader and wanted to say I am sorry that your trip was canceled and that you are going through some health issues. Sending a virtual hug.
Welcome, Daria. I’ve seen you commenting on other blogs I read, and now I will definitely check out your blog! Thank you for your kind words – not an easy decision, but clearly the right one. I will get there, eventually. 🙂