Surprised and humbled

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No attribution for this one, but it’s particularly apt for me this weekend. 
I rarely surprise myself. Mostly because I am a creature of habit and routine, as I’ve said many times. So when I do, it’s almost, well, even more surprising. 
I slept in on Sunday. I took it easy both Saturday and Sunday. I did not force myself to work. I… well, I kind of even… slacked off? 
This it not typical of me. I’ve written about how I suck at rest and giving myself grace. 
That means that “days off” don’t typically happen. I’m almost always working at least a little bit every day. 
But I went home sick one day last week, and I never do that. 
And then Saturday I felt like garbage again, but I pushed through and probably made it worse. 
By Saturday afternoon, I knew that my body was basically telling me that I needed to just. stop. 
So I slept in. I got 8+ hours of sleep. It. Was. Marvelous. 
I ran outside. I ran really really (really) slowly. But I was outside, listening to the birds, seeing the sun rise over the lake, and loving it. 
I didn’t even jump right into work when I got home. I took my time, showered, made some granola, read the paper (online, sheesh, it’s 2019 after all ;>), and even took a mini break to, um, organize the coat closet. (So, so needed…) 
Yes, I did get some work done. I sent emails. I worked on the “boring” documents for my grant. I got great comments and suggestions on the narrative for that from a colleague. But I didn’t jump right into making changes because I knew my brain needed to disconnect a bit, and that this week would be much better if I were able to do so. 
Still surprising myself in my mid-forties…what fun it is to know that I don’t know everything about myself yet…and I probably never will. 

Friday favorites (1)

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Everyone seems to do this in the “blog world”, and I don’t consider myself a full-fledged member of that community. But still, it’s a great way to look back at the week and focus on the positive. So here goes…

1. Sunny and rainy spring days. Let me clarify here – not rainy all day, March-like days, but rather summer storms (which is what we’re having today and tonight). You can’t have sunshine all of the days – more than not would be nice! – but if I’m going to have rain, this is the kind of rain I like!

2. A productive week on the work front, thanks to summer break (ha, not for me…) and making significant progress conceptualizing and presenting my most recent proposal.

3. Coworkers who really care and who really help. Especially my next-door office neighbor, who has been just wonderful. It makes me realize that I am in the right place for me.

4. Good health care. From my therapist to my other docs, it’s just such a relief to have this. Of course, EVERYONE should have it, but I’m hopeful we’ll (eventually) get there. Just not in this administration…

5. Actually giving myself grace to shut it down Wednesday when I came home sick. I changed and laid on the couch and napped and felt so much better after just an hour down. I felt hideous Wednesday morning and wound up heading out of work about 10. Horrible stomach ache and pain and I just could not get it to go away. Usually I’d power through, but I actually did what was right for my body this time. Astonishing! 🙂

6. OK, one more… anti-frizz air dry cream. So superficial, but so awesome. My suddenly wavy hair (what IS this pre-menopause stuff?) is grateful. So am I.

I’m working all weekend, but that’s life on the tenure track. Time to buckle down for my Friday working-at-home (plus some food prep and a doc appt, of course).

Sunshine…happiness…

Why I Wake Early
by Mary Oliver

Hello, sun in my face.
Hello, you who make the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories,
and into the windows of, even, the
miserable and crotchety–

best preacher that ever was,
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever-darkness,
to ease us with warm touching,
to hold us in the great hands of light–
good morning, good morning, good morning.

Watch, now, how I start the day
in happiness, in kindness.

I was going to write a long post of Thursday thoughts, and how although life has been a bit of a mess recently with family and dog and personal stuff…I’m doing okay. 
But then as I took the bus in to work today, I was completely taken in by the fact that we have sunshine! in the morning! and it’s not 20 degrees! 
I know I shouldn’t complain. I choose to live here. But man, it’s been a long winter and an even longer March. (Phone conversation the other day with a collaborator, she ended the call by saying, “Enjoy the March day out there!” which was, unfortunately, spot on…)
So today! Sunshine! 70! 
Life is good. 

Hindsight and perspective

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I’ve been thinking a lot about hindsight, how I interpreted actions and words of others in the moment, and what I think now. 
It’s astonishing, isn’t it, what a bit of distance, time, and self-reflection can do to change our minds? I’ve noticed this most prominently in my personal life, but it occurs in my professional life, too. And I’m trying not to beat myself up about it. I interpreted those events and words from the place I was then; I’m in a very different place now. And I’m glad I am. Now, the question for me is whether I share those insights (ha) with those whose words and actions I misinterpreted. 
Right now I’m leaning towards yes. That I need to acknowledge that I jumped to conclusions, or saw the other person’s actions through what was then a very blurry and distorted lens. I don’t know how that will be received, but I think it’s needed for me to move on from what was and into what will be. 
I’ve always assumed that I’m “done” growing and learning and figuring things out. Now, at (age I prefer not to write because holy cow, I cannot be that old!) I’ve realized that yeah, I don’t know anything. This learning, in my personal life and professional life? It never ends. And that’s the beauty of it all. If life were static – if I were static – man, wouldn’t that be boring? Sometimes, yes, I just wish things would just stay as they were. But that means that I’m not living, not changing, not growing, not remaining curious and enthralled about this world we live in. I guess I’d rather take the uncertainty and the fun that goes with it, than think I know everything. 

The most beautiful and most profound emotion we can experience is the sensation of the mysterious. ~Albert Einstein

Speaking too soon…;)

Well, yes, of course I spoke too soon with my triumphant post on breaking the looking-at-the-activity-app-all-the-time habit.

I didn’t really think it would be that easy. Turns out that temptation can be strong, and, of course, ingrained habits can be even stronger. Combine temptation with habits, and… let’s just say that I backslid quite a bit yesterday.

But! I am hoping today is a better day. More meetings, more distractions. Hoping not to be where I was earlier in the week, not yesterday.

Spring has (finally) sprung here, bringing with it sneezes and sniffles and glorious-looking evenings that tempt me outside… if not for the fact that I am usually in my pj’s by 7 pm. I go to bed very early and get up very early, which means that I never miss a sunrise (no, really, I don’t think I’ve missed one for years now) but I do tend to miss that golden light in the evenings. It’s such a glorious and short-lived time of year here (in Wisconsin) and I try to soak up as much of it as I can to hold me through the colder, darker months. Those are good in their own way, but what they don’t have is a lot of light.

I find that as I get older I am even more appreciative of how privileged I am to live in a place with seasons, and that I have the resources to enjoy them all. I know that’s not the case for so many people, and I try very hard not to dread or complain about any one season. This winter made that a bit difficult, but I persevered. I know how lucky I am…. and being grateful and thankful for that does help when it’s -20 with a wind chill of -40. 😉

Which brings me to one, final, larger point (finally, sorry). I was kind of slapped in the face earlier in the week with a recitation of how privileged I have been in my life – my parents were not indulgent, but we did not want for anything. My education was paid for. I was “launched”, if you will (I kind of hate that term, but go with me here), with all the support and love and help that I could ask for. And I like to think that is what has helped me to focus more on those who have less, who are less privileged and less fortunate. In my work, in my life in general, in my politics, etc. The person who made the initial comment to me thought it would / should have shifted me the other way – that is, preserving my privilege and restricting it to those “like me”…but to me, it makes more sense that because I had those advantages I want others to have similar opportunities. Helping others… seeing them rise despite (or perhaps in a way because of) their adversities in life… it brings me so much joy if I can give them a bit of a boost along the way. Yes, I am lucky. No, others are not. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do everything in my power to help them get where they want to be…

And that doesn’t really tie things up neatly either, so I’ll just end this way – I am grateful for the life I lead. It’s a darn good one. And if I can help others have a good life? all the better, in my opinion. Now, off to save the world. Ha.