I promise I am not trying to generate controversy, but inquiring minds want to know: Do you love holidays ? Do you like to decorate? (I know the answer for some people who wander by here when I put my blather on the internet…)

Because I really don’t. I don’t know when this shift happened. Was it when I was working shifts at the hospital and was working most holidays? Was it after I moved out here and was living alone and didn’t need to do anything – like decorate – for others?

But I am not into holidays, any of them.

I know. I’m a horrible Grinch.

I don’t decorate. I don’t collect anything holiday-ish. I do have a very nice candle that my mom got me – one that smells of cinnamon and spice and is better than anything I have found elsewhere. I get that out after Thanksgiving. But the rest of my apartment stays as-is.

The more I think about it, this tendency seems to be due to my desire to fade into the background. I am a happy wallflower. I don’t like to speak up too much in meetings, unless something is going completely off the rails. And of course I lead my class discussions. But those are (exhausting) performances for me. So, I withdraw in my personal life. I haven’t placed a personal stamp on my apartment in the years I’ve lived here, in contrast to other people who make every space their own.

What about you? Do you decorate for holidays? Do you love the chance to celebrate a special day?

I’m not promising four, but since Beckett asked about what I was reading, and I had thoughts on that (and a question), here we are at 3. Perhaps a record for me.

So, right now I’m reading a trashy Jenny Colgan book as my bedtime book, which is fine but also has a character who is driving me bonkers. That character hasn’t shown up for about 100 pages so my experience has markedly improved.

My other book is Running with Sherman. This is a buddy read with a friend from high school. We have done nonfiction buddy reads – usually in science, as we both have a passion for it – for a few years now. We picked this as an outlier because we thought it would be a fast and easy read for the summer.

I’ll pause while you check your calendars.

To say that I am struggling with this book is an understatement. I thought I would love it – heartwarming story! animal rescue(s)! set in the area where I grew up! And… yeah, no. Part of my challenge is that the author wanders off on these tangents that are obliquely related to the story but not really? and so I find myself reading about depression in college students in the middle of a story about a rescue donkey and a mountain race. A worthy topic but it makes me feel like I am reading 5 short books instead of one cohesive narrative. It’s like the author was trying to provide context and wandered too far down the path, if that makes sense.

So, question… do I text my friend, admit my struggles, and beg to read something else? (Part of my difficulty may be that I have both Four Thousand Weeks and Atomic Habits in the wings, and I am desperate to read both…)

Or do I forge ahead?

To be clear, I am totally cool with DNF’ing a book when I’m the only one reading it (Abby Jimenez, I’m looking at you…). But this is a buddy read. What if she loves it? Or, flip side, what if she also is struggling and that’s the reason she hasn’t checked in since I texted her a few weeks ago? Ponder ponder…

This issue/question of giving up was in sharp focus yesterday in my work life, too. No details, but I’ve gotten two emails that are about implementing changes at a level I can’t influence on short notice and with unclear information. It makes me want to give up on one part of my job… which is not really possible. So, yeah. There, I’ll have to forge on through. This book, though – maybe I can and should just set it aside.

For my work life, I’ve always loved this quote on persistence and not giving up, by Jane Goodall: “…isn’t that the making of a little scientist? The curiosity; asking questions; not getting the right answer; deciding to find out for yourself; making a mistake; not giving up; learning patience.”

I know you’re all waiting with bated breath to find out… how were the jeans?

And (because I am a kind person, and it’s early in the morning), the answer is… not bad. They are not new jeans, so they were comfortable in that broken-in-jeans kind of way. And they didn’t pinch, or fall down, or do anything untoward that made me want to run back to my leggings.

That said, I did change into comfy pants when I finally got home (WHY did I pick my longest day in the office this week to try this??). But that’s par for the course. I’m not going to sit at my desk at home and not be in comfy pants. I mean, really. I have some limits.

So now, as Engie pointed out, I have more options! I don’t have to get rid of them. I’m certainly not going to buy any more right now, but I can keep the ones I have and actually wear them. Win-win, in my opinion.

My intention for today? Well, other than coming and posting (and look, I did that!), it’s based on this quote that I found a few weeks ago. As always, attribution is assumed to be correct but please correct me if it is not:

“Keep your mouth shut and your eyes open.” ~Samuel Palmer

And a question… what is one thing you never thought you’d go back to post-lockdown (I can’t say post-COVID because, well, it’s still here) that you actually did go back to? I’m curious if others said “never again” and later reconsidered their choices.

Happy Thursday. Be well, friends.

So, after seeing several people post during NaBloPoMo (thank you, San!) that blogging a bit daily is easier than long posts every once in a (long) while (ahem), I’m posting a rather, well, minor post today. I have a whole post queued up on connection and disconnection and how I struggle connecting. And it occurred to me that, to connect, sometimes you have to reach out. Duh, me.

I’m running a test today. Of what, you ask? Something in class? Nope.

Jeans.

I have had a hard rule for the past almost-four years that I will only wear pants with a comfortable waistband. I held true to this and happily donated a bunch of pants that were not comfortable, that I didn’t like for various reasons, and that didn’t work for me in this season of life. But the two “regular” pairs of pants that I could not seem to get rid of were my favorite pre-COVID jeans. They’re nothing special – one is a thrift store special and the other pair is who-knows-how-old from Old Navy. But I just couldn’t give them up.

So today, a long day at work for me, I’m testing out the real jeans. In a way, it’s a test of my post-pandemic self, and who I have become in the last four years. Because, trust me, it’s not who I was before the Fall of 2019. (I had an interesting Fall of 2019, so for me, this change came a bit earlier than March 2020…) Will they work for me, now? Or will I go home and happily chuck them in the donation box?

Check back tomorrow. 😉

Another Monday morning. Another week. And another chance to do this a bit differently. I want to take time in the morning – again – to start my working day a bit more mindfully. I’d really like to read a chapter in a book, or a few email newsletters that I get. Something not-work. And I struggle every. single. time. I try to make this change.

Why is this so hard for me? You’d think it would be easy, right? Break the habit of opening work email and my To Do list app (this thing has been life-changing for me in terms of keeping track of What Needs To Be Done) first thing. Break the habit of just jumping in with both feet, with nary a thought to doing something for me, first. Something that won’t take more than 15 minutes, honestly.

I always wondered why it was harder for some people to change their eating and/or drinking related habits. I imagine it’s the same kind of block that I have with changing work habits. It’s hard. And frustrating, to fail over and over again at making simple changes that I KNOW will support my mental health and well-being.

I guess there’s nothing to do but try again tomorrow, right? But not just thinking about it – actually doing it. I know NGS has an accountability partner for her workouts; maybe I need to find an accountability partner for my work-related habits. Hm. I’ll have to think about that one.

Regardless, I know I need to change how I approach my weeks and my days. Eventually – right? it has to happen eventually? – I’ll get there. I just hope it’s sooner rather than later!

“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”

– Lao Tzu