Wow. I know everyone says this, every month, but how on earth is it already February? I mean, I’ll never argue with anyone who asserts that January is the longest month, because of course it is, but it seems as though February really snuck up on me this year.

Thank you all, again, for your support and your virtual hugs. It really means a lot… and it’s bolstered me as I take on this rather daunting task of exploring my identity as a newly single middle-aged (sigh) adult. I confess that I did not get as far as I had hoped in reviewing 2021, in all its ups and downs. I did have a few revelations, though…

First, that I was kind of blind to how things were, and in hindsight it seems almost inevitable that we arrived where we did at the end of the year. I am the kind of person who takes notes, so of course I have notes and journal entries from throughout the year. One thing is clear – despite my brief forays into optimism, things were really the same at the beginning of the year as they were closer to the end. In an odd way, that made me feel a bit better about how the year ended. We did try. We did make an effort. It seems like things were just too far gone to salvage the relationship.

I’m continuing my reflection and review into February. I knew this would be a long project, for lack of a better word, and I want to take my time to really explore how I evolved to who I am right now. Which (I hope) will help me figure out how and who I want to be going forward.

Another realization was more of a confirmation of what I already knew about myself. I was too much of a hermit last year. I missed so many opportunities to get out more, to step away, to do something other than well, work. Seeing all those missed opportunities makes me a bit sad. I don’t want to waste that kind of time again. Which means that I have to go into the rest of 2022 with the intention of re-engaging with the world (in a way that feels safe for me, of course).

Which leads to my word of the year (courage, in case you missed it) and my intentions (Be kind. Seek joy.). I was thinking last night whether I’ve shown courage this month. There were a few moments that stood out. Believe it or not, going in to teach last week for the first time in weeks – getting on a crowded bus (thankfully with masked riders) – and putting myself physically in front of a classroom of students took a bit more courage than I anticipated. I’ve been doing this for a while. I like teaching. I love my students. So it was surprising to me that I needed to really needed to pump myself up, in a way, to go into those classrooms. (Of course, it went fine. That doesn’t mean I’m not anxious about tomorrow, though. That’s just who I am!)

And… the other thing I started doing towards the end of the month was seeking joy in every day. Elisabeth writes about joyfinding, a word that I love. My joyfinding this month included a random FaceTime with my parents on Saturday morning, and taking the time to participate in a virtual forum for Daniel Pink’s new book, the Power of Regret. I had preordered the book, which gave me access to the event, and it exceeded my expectations. So many powerful lessons. The best one came from Anne Lamott and her book Bird by Bird (which, for the record, I have not yet read despite it being recommended by many people). The gist of the lesson was that to get things done, you have to take one step at a time. You can only see a few feet in front of you, so focus on that, and taking one step. Then take another. And another. And before you know it, you have completed an entire journey, one step at a time.

For me, that’s a wonderful approach to take this year. One step forward. One small action to seek a bit of adventure in my life. One small joy in each day. Reflecting on what was, what is, and what will be, one step at a time.

(And yes, I will be reading her book now… that lesson tipped it for me…)

Although I haven’t read the book, reading the reviews of it led me to this quote, which seems appropriate…

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up.”

Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird

Nothing like posting about a huge life change, getting the most wonderful comments, and then…disappearing before I approved the comments.

I could make the excuse that the week went bonkers after Monday, but that’s just an excuse. (Also, for some reason, I had it in my head that I could not reply to comments if I approved them without replying at that time… I know, this makes no sense, but since I have always replied as I have approved, well… yeah.)

All of that to say I am so sorry that some of you a) thought you had not commented on my last post, when you had, and b) I’m finally taking some time for myself this morning before another nutty day to round out the week, and I’m off to reply to all of your supportive, wonderful comments.

You all are the best.

Happy Monday, everyone. I know that it is a day of reflection here in the US, as we mark Martin Luther King, Jr., day. This is one of those holidays that I do not consider a holiday. Instead, I view it as a prompt for learning more about Dr. King’s life and work, and what I can do to carry his legacy forward. Today, I’m planning to read his Letter from a Birmingham Jail as well as this sermon on loving your enemies.

However, right now I have a few minutes to share my intentions and word(s)for 2022, and I had a question that I hoped to pose to some of the more regular visitors to my blog (few in number, strong in spirit!). I rarely do this but given my desire to take time to reflect on the past several years and explore where I want my life to go from here, it seemed a reasonable option for 2022.

So, what are my intentions? This year, I am keeping it simple: Be Kind. Seek Joy. I know that I can do much more in my daily life to truly be kind. Even if I don’t overtly show UNkindness, I often have somewhat judgmental thoughts, and I’d like to shift that to a perspective of kindness. I will never know what someone is going through when I encounter them in my life. It takes much less energy to simply be kind, than to work myself up to unkind thoughts.

I also really need to up my game in terms of seeking joy. Joy – true joy – has been absent from my life of late, and that’s not good. I need to remember what brings me joy, where I can find that, and then make it happen. I’m talking big joys (travel! time with my family!) and small ones (browsing in a bookstore). If I can find a way to infuse joy into every day this year? That would be awesome. However, that’s a pretty high bar for a currently joy-less person so for now, I’m going to aim to have at least one joyful experience a month. I know, I know, it’s not much, but taking part of a day to focus on seeking joy and feeding my heart and soul will go a long way to making me feel like myself again.

So those are my intentions. My word for the year? Courage. I waffled on this for a while. For a time, I thought “seek” (and variants thereof, e.g., seeking) would be my word. But instead I realized that it’s more of an intention. No, courage was it, although it took time for me to come back around to it.

Why courage? Well, as I’ve alluded to in the past few months, I had a major life change in 2021. One that was kind of anticipated, but also, well, not. And since it seems goofy to just dance around it for the next year, I’m going to go ahead and share that the major change was my marriage ending. I never, ever thought I would get a divorce. And yet. Here we are – divorced.

There aren’t any sordid details to share or anything like that. Just (another) sad story of people growing apart. But just because it wasn’t sordid or even particularly dramatic (there is no drama in receiving an email with a link to the PDF of your divorce decree online…) doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard.

I need courage to remember what it was like to be independent. Single. Me, by myself. I’ll write more about this in coming days, but for now, it seems to suffice to let you know that 2022 will be my year of courage. Of showing up and being brave (a related word I considered, but eventually ditched). It will be an interesting year, to say the least, but I have high hopes for where I will be – for WHO I will be – on 12/31/2022.

Finally, my question. A practical one. For those of you who love your budgets, what software/website/program do you use? I feel the need to migrate from my current ancient method of Excel, but am stymied by all of the options available. Thanks in advance!

And thank you for persisting with me through the past few months. Like I said, I hope to be here more in 2022. Thanks for coming along for the ride.

No, I don’t mean that the blog is / will be suspended. More that I feel as though I am suspended – still – between 2021 and 2022. Between what was and what is.

I’ve mentioned before that my life changed a lot in 2021, in ways that were expected (well, to some extent) and others that came completely out of the blue. It was one of those years that, as Zora Neale Hurston said so memorably, asks questions. It was definitely not one of the years with answers. I don’t know (yet, of course) whether 2022 will differ and manage to provide some clarity and answers, but I’m going to do my darndest to find the answers if they are out there!

Like any good academic, I had grand plans for last week, the Week of No Meetings. The week of trying to catch up on all the projects, papers, grants, and other non-teaching, non-committee work. I actually did pretty well on the work-related goals, getting several things fully or partially crossed off my list. So that was good. What wasn’t so good was that I didn’t get any of the personal reflection time that I was craving so badly. I was able to do a bit at the beginning of the week, but completely fell off towards the weekend. It wasn’t all bad – there were phone calls with two old friends I’ve known since, well, since I can remember. There were texts with friends and family. There was some extra reading time. But there wasn’t the opportunity to do the deep reflection I wanted on the past year – the year that, for me, everything changed.

For me, this is a huge downside of not going anywhere – I have no opportunity to get out of my home routine and really focus on something other than work. If given the option, I will almost always take 10 or 20 or even 30 “found” minutes and use them for work-related activities, in an effort to just keep my head above water. That’s something I need to change – because time spent on myself (not work), getting to know myself, and getting my life somewhat in order is essential to my overall well-being.

All of that to say that I didn’t finish my reflections on the past year+. I didn’t finish several of the tasks (for lack of a better word) that I had assigned myself. But you know what? I think I’m okay with that. There is no rule that reflection on the past year has to end at midnight on New Year’s Eve. The reflection police aren’t going to arrest me for reflecting on January 15th instead of January 1st.

I keep saying that the past year was one of big changes for me, but it’s really been the past 3-4 years. It’s going to take time. I want to dig into what I have learned, what I want to bring forward with me, and what I want to leave behind. I want to really think about how my life has been in the last few years, and how I want it to be as I move into my future. I even want to spend some time thinking about further-in-the-past me, to see how I can bring back some pieces of who I was even earlier in my adulthood that I seem to have lost over time. Pieces that seemed so essential to my identity at the time that seem to have disappeared over the years.

You can see why that might take some time. But the thing is, I want to know who I am know. I want to understand who I’ve been. And I want to figure out who I want to be.

As usual, last night’s tea bag was spot on (side note: Yogi tea and Good Earth tea both have the best sayings on their tags…).

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Here’s to 2022. I hope that the start of the year was peaceful and joyful for all of you. I am eager to be back in this space more… as part of that “time for myself” that seems so elusive some days. Thank you, as always for reading my blathering, and for being here, even when I’m only able to post sporadically.

First (ha), I’d like to thank the wonderful person who invented fleece. I know that it may not be the most environmentally friendly fabric, but in winter here in the upper Midwest, there is nothing like a fleece-lined pair of leggings to make my day better. I even have fleece pajamas. More than one pair, if we’re being honest. Pair the fleece with fuzzy socks and I’m in heaven.

On the flip side, I’ve been dealing with some nagging fatigue. I’m hoping that it’s just my usual end-of-semester fatigue (15 weeks is a long time… add in the pandemic and all that goes along with that, and, well, it’s a recipe for wanting more zzz’s than usual). The problem, for me, is that I seem constitutionally incapable of sleeping more than an hour past my usual (very very early) wake up time. I’m also not a napper. (Note: Those two conditions do not hold if I am well and truly sick, but if I’m just tired, well, nope.) This year seems particularly acute, and I suspect that COVID-related fatigue and frustration have something to do with it. I’m also freaking out (hey, another f!) about next semester, during which I will teach two courses (currently in person, sigh), and take two courses myself. It could get interesting about, oh, March or so. I’ll have to be on guard and make sure that I’m taking sufficient time away.

Family. I was supposed to drive east to see my family yesterday. It didn’t happen. I wound up canceling the trip last week out of an abundance of caution. I think my parents were a bit surprised, but I’ve also been the most cautious family member throughout this thing. With hospitalizations skyrocketing again, ICUs and hospitals full, and variable risk depending on geographic location, I just did not want to risk it. So it will be another solo Christmas. That said, this year, perhaps I’ll take San’s suggestion and put a YouTube yule log on my computer. 🙂

I admit to a fair amount of frustration at the persistent inability of Americans to just do what they should have been doing all along. I’m not surprised, of course, but I am frustrated. This did not have to happen. And it’s going to be worse in a few weeks. I’m also frustrated that the organizers of a course I am taking this spring have not moved the planned half-day meeting (yes, half-day – from 7-12) that is currently scheduled to take place in Florida. In January. I’ll let you ponder that one for a while. And with apologies to Stephany, to be honest, Florida is the LAST place I want to be now, let alone a month from now when omicron is rampaging through the population. Here’s hoping they make a decision soon…

I am finally writing this post (it’s been brewing since Friday, of course!), the work-related meetings are finally winding down in anticipation of a slower week and a half, and I also finally finished my grant submissions for the semester. Whew. It’ll be a miracle if either of them gets funded… which brings me to the next “f”…

Thus far, my attempts at obtaining external funding have been futile. I’ve put in what seems like countless applications, and get similar feedback each time. Yet, when I share that feedback with my senior colleagues and mentors, they are stunned, because, to them, the studies are more than worth funding. So while it’s been futile, it’s also been immensely frustrating. I’m clearly not getting my point across as clearly as I need to, but… my mentors can’t give me much advice on what to change because they think that the proposals are good. So, yeah. We’ll see how this semester’s submissions go.

Finally, I just want to say, again, how much fun I am having focusing on a smaller set of blogs whose owners are just awesome people. Those of you who take the time to read my intermittent ramblings have really made my online life so much more enjoyable. I look forward to seeing what you and your families are up to, I worry when I don’t see posts for a period of time, and I feel like I’ve finally found a small online community that I truly enjoy. So thank you for being here, and for tolerating my quirks and weirdnesses. 🙂