I had a great post queued (side note: is there a better word to type than “queue”? I would say no…) up for today. And then, yesterday happened. Warning: This post will include political comments, which I have not typically shared here. But the state of our country, the impending sense of doom I feel, and the potential demise of democracy are too much for me to ignore. If this isn’t your thing, or if you strenuously disagree with me, please skip this post.

It’s been a bad week for Democrats, anyone who believes in democracy, anyone who longs for a more equitable society. Up until yesterday, I was actually doing well, for me. I tend to get sucked into political news, especially, and I was fighting against that by listening to audiobooks (a point I will come back to later!) and generally trying NOT to get sucked in. And then yesterday happened. The insane decision handed down by what I consider to be a corrupt Supreme Court has me terrified about what the next five months will bring. I spent the day listening to every story I could on the Post’s app. And I felt myself getting pulled into the idea of “what happens next?” In light of the debate last week, a debacle for which I have no words, the intransigence of the political elites and their refusal to consider any alternatives, and now the prospect of an unhinged felon having untrammeled power if/when he is elected, my brain went to “what can I possibly do?” I admit, it didn’t immediately go to, “Vote”. Instead, I wished for dual citizenship, that I had sought jobs in Canada (I briefly considered it when leaving Philly in 2017). I thought about whether relocating to California would be any help (it’s long been a dream but one I haven’t seriously considered NOW). And I don’t know what to do. I know that for myself I need to step back and I hope to do that today. But oh, long term, I grieve for what could have been. I know there are some of you whose views align with mine, so I’d love any suggestions you have for reframing, for shifting my perspective, for helping me out of this neverending cycle of doomsday news.

TL;DR: I had hope, it’s diminishing rapidly, and I’m seeking any sources of light I can find right now. Thank goodness for all of you and your blogs. I’m more grateful to you than I can say.

Rapidly changing topics! I have managed to take some small steps and break out of my inertia! I took those donations to the thrift shop and saw a friend for lunch that same day. I’m working on my focus during work hours and not responding to emails right away.

And! I’ve delved into books that grabbed me (I am definitely a mood reader) and also started listening to audiobooks. Friends, this has been a life-changer for me. For years, I was adamant that I could not listen to audiobooks. I’d never succeeded before; why would I now? And then! I discovered The Dutch House on audio. Unlike Engie, I liked it. Then I started borrowing more books through Libby. Yes, the library. I put audiobooks on hold. I discovered that nonfiction on audio really grabs me. I found that I could listen to so many more books than I could read. And it’s been so. much. fun. I will probably do a mini-post on the books I’ve listened to thus far, but several have been wow-inducing (Hidden Valley Rd., Sitting Pretty, The Power of Regret…). They deserve their own post. So, thanks to all of you who have advocated for audiobooks and the library. I’m finally – finally – getting it.

I hope to have a better day today. I hope you all are okay. I hope that my political rant hasn’t alienated the small readership I have. I hope you take care of yourselves if you are feeling like me. And again, I hope you know just how much connecting virtually with you all means to me. <3

As long as there is one upright man, as long as there is one compassionate woman, the contagion may spread and the scene is not desolate. Hope is the thing that is left to us, in a bad time. ~ E.B. White

…you come across something – art, a sign, a piece of writing, a book – and you think, wow. Wow. That was exactly what I needed, coming into my life exactly when I needed it.

Twice, lately, this has happened to me.

First, with a book (more on that in another post, promise). Then, with an old essay (close to 15 years old) by Elizabeth Gilbert. I have never read Eat, Pray, Love. I never understood the appeal. (But please, if I SHOULD read it, please make your case in the comments! I’ll consider it, I promise!)

This is from an essay that Gilbert wrote for O Magazine back in 2010. I probably read it in 2010. To say that it didn’t stick is an understatement. I have no idea how I came across it this morning, but it is exactly what I needed to read at exactly this moment in time. The icing on the cake, if you will, of many messages that I’ve gotten from the Universe recently, from books (Atomic Habits, The Power of Regret, Four Thousand Weeks…), and other sources (my therapist, ha). Here’s one paragraph that stood out, although the entire essay is worth reading…

When I look at my life and the lives of my female friends these days—with our dizzying number of opportunities and talents—I sometimes feel as though we are all mice in a giant experimental maze, scurrying around frantically, trying to find our way through. But maybe there’s a good historical reason for all this overwhelming confusion. We don’t have centuries of educated, autonomous female role models to imitate here (there were no women quite like us until very recently), so nobody has given us a map. As a result, we each race forth blindly into this new maze of limitless options. And the risks are steep. We make mistakes. We take sharp turns, hoping to stumble on an open path, only to bump into dead-end walls and have to back up and start all over again. We push mysterious levers, hoping to earn a reward, only to learn—whoops, that was a suffering button!…

She continues, then ends the essay with this:

I needed this right now. I needed the reminder that it’s up to me. I don’t have to follow the prescribed path. Of course, I’ve known this for a long time. But you know how when you get bogged down, you can lose sight of what’s true? That’s where I have been. These are all half-formed, partially-caffeinated thoughts. I had a completely different post planned for this morning, in which I was going to ask all of you if you had any thoughts on whether it might work to go super-short with hair that tends toward frizzy-wavy. And instead, I find myself here, ruminating on a 14-year-old essay. I guess that means that the hair decision is up to me, like everything else in my life. 🙂 I’ll be spending some time reflecting on this and what it means while I’m having that haircut later today, for sure.

Have you been (figuratively) hit by something recently? Something you needed to see, hear, read, or remember? I’d love to know…

Be well, my friends. Happy Tuesday.

First, if you came here thanks to Engie and her wonderful blog, welcome! And to those of you wondering who and what I am talking about, Engie is an amazing blogger who lives quite near me, has helped drag me out into the real world several times, and is celebrating the 20th (!!!) anniversary of her blog this year. To celebrate, Engie has requested guest posts from bloggers in our little blogger community, and for some strange reason, she asked me to write one. It went up on Sunday, and I’ve really enjoyed reading everyone’s comments and meeting some new-to-me bloggers to add to my ever-growing blogroll. So, if you don’t yet read Engie’s blog, please make your way there. She reads widely (and voraciously), writes thorough and insightful book reviews, and has the most amazing cat (Zelda, with the floofiest fur you’ve ever seen), and dog (Hannah, who has the best – seriously, the best – doggie expressions I have ever seen. “Hannah’s disdain” should be a portrait in a gallery somewhere, it portrays such emotion…). And if you’re looking to engage with a lovely community of supportive, positive bloggers who actually write about real life? Check out the other guest posts in the series and the comments on them, too. 🙂

And now to face the hard truth. I am dealing with some inertia, friends. Serious inertia. In my work life, personal life, and (obviously) writing life. I know this about myself. And yet I persist in my inertial (is that a word? if it’s not a word, it should be) state. I am trying to build momentum in all areas, and I’m succeeding, to a degree.

Finally, in the past few months, a few things have happened that have started to – slowly – get me moving. Perhaps most important has been going through two of David Whyte’s Three Sundays series. In them, David shares his wisdom about finding your path, and experiencing breakthroughs. Each has been what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. The books I’ve been reading have reminded me that we (as in, we humans) do better when we focus on the things that matter most. That a longer to do list is not a better to do list. That it’s possible to feel joy in many ways, and not everyone experiences joy in the same way. The list goes on, but you get the idea.

I find joy in writing here and engaging with all of you. Why am I surrendering to my inertia and not writing here more? Good question. It certainly doesn’t make me happy (in fact, it makes me sad). And it’s easy to remedy! The answer, of course, is to write more.

I was searching for quotes on inertia (you know me!) and found one I’d saved from a blog I read back in 2015. DefinitelyRA was a wonderful blogger who no longer blogs, but way back 9 years ago, she shared a quote from Maya Angelou that I had never read before: “Let us live so we will not regret years of useless virtue, and inertia, and timidity.”

It seems that’s a better option, don’t you think? So here’s to ditching inertia and timidity (and, while we’re at it, useless virtue), and showing up more, writing more, and doing more of the things that I know will make me happy, whether that’s taking donations to the thrift shop (they’ve been in my bedroom for months now…), writing manuscripts, or anything else. I can’t promise I’ll be here every day. After all, I’ve made these types of pledges before and not held them up. But this time seems a bit different. I hope.

I’ll end with a quote from one of David Whyte’s recent sessions: What is the life I have been refusing all along?

Don’t refuse the life that makes you happy, my friends. Be well.

I came across a word this weekend – a German word, no less (hi, San!) – that captures everything about this time of year for faculty. Torschlusspanik. According to the person who wrote the column, it means, literally, “gate close panic”. (San can, hopefully, back this up? It’s the same definition given on Wiktionary and what seems to be an actual German site, the local.) This person put it in the context of the end of the academic year – the rush to finish everything from the academic year so one can shift into the summer term (or summer break) feeling as though one has ticked all the boxes. Some of those boxes must be ticked – entering student grades, for example. But we somehow manage to make it worse (of course). We cram as many things into the last week before summer that we can. Like meetings that start at 1 pm on Friday – literally, the last day of the semester for faculty.

That’s life right now. Four more days. I’m taking a bit of a break next week, then back to teach and work over the summer.

I hope you are hanging in there, all of you. I know there are a lot of heavy things you are all carrying with you (or lugging, as the wonderful Elisabeth described). I’ll be over here experiencing Torschlusspanik and thinking of you, my friends.

I know this space has been quiet. I haven’t written for months. And I did consider just… not coming back. It’s been an interesting few months, months during which I questioned my place here, and what, if anything, I had to contribute. I love reading others’ posts, and gleaning insights from their experiences and lives, but have questioned whether I was – or even could – add to the conversation in the same way. Was I just adding to the noise?

Yet I missed this space, and interacting – even in my limited ways – with others in this community.

So I am dipping a toe back in. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking since February – a low level midlife crisis, perhaps? – and considering what was, what is, and what will be. I don’t know how much of those experiences I will share, but there are some parts that I think are worth sharing (and that I am willing to share).

Some of my time was spent delving into some David Whyte content, so I leave this (short) post with a fragment from one of his three Sundays sessions… “How much time do you make for yourself to sit down and be quiet?” I’ve been quiet, so now will hope to share some words and thoughts with all of you soon. Take care, my friends.