I’ve mentioned Holstee on here before, but I’m not sure if I have mentioned the associated app (Reflection.app). I use it every night as a kind of “download” of the day. They have prompts – quotes, which of course I love – and allow you to tag entries with things like “Highlight”, and other tags you create.

Anyway, I don’t use the prompts often, but yesterday’s really spoke to me:

Joy in the universe, and keen curiosity about it all – that has been my religion. – John Burroughs

This reminded me of the wonderful word from A Swiftly Tilting Planet (one of my absolute favorites of all time), Ananda, that joy without which the universe will fall apart and collapse.

While the prompt spoke to me – because I do not ascribe to any kind of organized religion – it prompted more deep thinking at bedtime than I probably needed. The key question, for me, is what “joy in the universe” means in my life. How do I show that I find joy in the universe? I don’t think that can be answered in the 24 seconds that I am able to stay awake once I get in bed, but it’s something that I need to ponder, and consider, and explore.

I know, deep thoughts for a Tuesday morning. But I’m curious, of course. What brings you joy? How do you find joy, in the world, the universe, your life…? What lifts your heart and your soul and your mind? If you don’t mind sharing, I’d love to know.

Happy Tuesday everyone. For those NaBloPoMo-ing, you’re almost halfway there!

Warning: Potential for whining ahead.

I feel like the number of things I am involved in at work has tripled in the past 1-1.5 years. In my personal life, of course, I’ve always been in charge of my own life, happiness, etc. Who else would or could be?

At work, though, all of a sudden it seems like I am working with more students than ever. Several of them are doing independent studies. I need detailed notes to remind myself of who is interested in what concepts and which populations, and what the next steps are. Thank goodness for my habit of taking those excessively detailed notes!

I’m on more committees and workgroups, too. People are asking for my feedback and participation. I’m running two pilot studies, mostly on my own. Anyone who thinks that researchers are rolling in money has not talked to a researcher who has pilot funding (or, um, no funding in one case), who doesn’t have the resources to hire a study team, and who, as a result, is doing everything. I love it – don’t get me wrong, data are always welcome! – but it’s a lot, particularly with everything else.

But – and it’s a big but – I love working with my students. They have such interesting ideas, and it gives me the opportunity to explore other topics (one of the best parts of teaching and mentoring, if you ask me). I actually like participating and giving feedback, when I’m engaged with the topic and know that my feedback can make a difference. (Although I’m still more likely than not to stay quiet in meetings…. I haven’t gone completely over the edge!) And I love that I am getting the chance to do research on a topic important to me, and that eventually (hopefully soon?) we’ll get to analyze the data and see what’s what.

So it goes. Another busy week on tap. Another week when I’ll think, do I really want all of this responsibility? Do I really want to take all of this on?

The answer is still yes. Thank goodness.

Life in an apartment complex can be interesting. Just checking the mail, or taking out the trash, can make me wonder, who are the people with whom I share this space?

Take, for example, the tires. I can’t tell you the number of times that I have gone into the tiny package room and found 3 or 4 full sized car (or truck?) tires taking up pretty much all of the floor space. This happens much more frequently than one would expect, even in a building that probably houses a few hundred people. And it raises a bunch of questions… Who is ordering these tires? How many people actually change their own tires? Who delivers car tires? Is this something on Amazon that I’ve managed to miss all these years?

Last night, I took some recycling down and was treated to the odd sight of three large helium balloons (partially but not fully deflated) floating above the dumpsters. Which made me wonder, why on earth did they not deflate the balloons? It just seems logical to me that if you’re throwing out a balloon, you’d, um, deflate it? (Just me?)

Pretty much every week, there’s something that makes me do a double take. It’s interesting to consider just how different people can be. I may not live with anyone right now, but I do live alongside some not-familiar-but-very-interesting fellow humans.

I’ve always been someone who likes looking around me, and wondering what leads people to make certain choices (e.g., why IS their front door bright green?). Is anyone else like this? Am I just weird? (Wait, maybe don’t answer that…)

I promise I am not trying to generate controversy, but inquiring minds want to know: Do you love holidays ? Do you like to decorate? (I know the answer for some people who wander by here when I put my blather on the internet…)

Because I really don’t. I don’t know when this shift happened. Was it when I was working shifts at the hospital and was working most holidays? Was it after I moved out here and was living alone and didn’t need to do anything – like decorate – for others?

But I am not into holidays, any of them.

I know. I’m a horrible Grinch.

I don’t decorate. I don’t collect anything holiday-ish. I do have a very nice candle that my mom got me – one that smells of cinnamon and spice and is better than anything I have found elsewhere. I get that out after Thanksgiving. But the rest of my apartment stays as-is.

The more I think about it, this tendency seems to be due to my desire to fade into the background. I am a happy wallflower. I don’t like to speak up too much in meetings, unless something is going completely off the rails. And of course I lead my class discussions. But those are (exhausting) performances for me. So, I withdraw in my personal life. I haven’t placed a personal stamp on my apartment in the years I’ve lived here, in contrast to other people who make every space their own.

What about you? Do you decorate for holidays? Do you love the chance to celebrate a special day?

I’m not promising four, but since Beckett asked about what I was reading, and I had thoughts on that (and a question), here we are at 3. Perhaps a record for me.

So, right now I’m reading a trashy Jenny Colgan book as my bedtime book, which is fine but also has a character who is driving me bonkers. That character hasn’t shown up for about 100 pages so my experience has markedly improved.

My other book is Running with Sherman. This is a buddy read with a friend from high school. We have done nonfiction buddy reads – usually in science, as we both have a passion for it – for a few years now. We picked this as an outlier because we thought it would be a fast and easy read for the summer.

I’ll pause while you check your calendars.

To say that I am struggling with this book is an understatement. I thought I would love it – heartwarming story! animal rescue(s)! set in the area where I grew up! And… yeah, no. Part of my challenge is that the author wanders off on these tangents that are obliquely related to the story but not really? and so I find myself reading about depression in college students in the middle of a story about a rescue donkey and a mountain race. A worthy topic but it makes me feel like I am reading 5 short books instead of one cohesive narrative. It’s like the author was trying to provide context and wandered too far down the path, if that makes sense.

So, question… do I text my friend, admit my struggles, and beg to read something else? (Part of my difficulty may be that I have both Four Thousand Weeks and Atomic Habits in the wings, and I am desperate to read both…)

Or do I forge ahead?

To be clear, I am totally cool with DNF’ing a book when I’m the only one reading it (Abby Jimenez, I’m looking at you…). But this is a buddy read. What if she loves it? Or, flip side, what if she also is struggling and that’s the reason she hasn’t checked in since I texted her a few weeks ago? Ponder ponder…

This issue/question of giving up was in sharp focus yesterday in my work life, too. No details, but I’ve gotten two emails that are about implementing changes at a level I can’t influence on short notice and with unclear information. It makes me want to give up on one part of my job… which is not really possible. So, yeah. There, I’ll have to forge on through. This book, though – maybe I can and should just set it aside.

For my work life, I’ve always loved this quote on persistence and not giving up, by Jane Goodall: “…isn’t that the making of a little scientist? The curiosity; asking questions; not getting the right answer; deciding to find out for yourself; making a mistake; not giving up; learning patience.”