I’m not promising four, but since Beckett asked about what I was reading, and I had thoughts on that (and a question), here we are at 3. Perhaps a record for me.

So, right now I’m reading a trashy Jenny Colgan book as my bedtime book, which is fine but also has a character who is driving me bonkers. That character hasn’t shown up for about 100 pages so my experience has markedly improved.

My other book is Running with Sherman. This is a buddy read with a friend from high school. We have done nonfiction buddy reads – usually in science, as we both have a passion for it – for a few years now. We picked this as an outlier because we thought it would be a fast and easy read for the summer.

I’ll pause while you check your calendars.

To say that I am struggling with this book is an understatement. I thought I would love it – heartwarming story! animal rescue(s)! set in the area where I grew up! And… yeah, no. Part of my challenge is that the author wanders off on these tangents that are obliquely related to the story but not really? and so I find myself reading about depression in college students in the middle of a story about a rescue donkey and a mountain race. A worthy topic but it makes me feel like I am reading 5 short books instead of one cohesive narrative. It’s like the author was trying to provide context and wandered too far down the path, if that makes sense.

So, question… do I text my friend, admit my struggles, and beg to read something else? (Part of my difficulty may be that I have both Four Thousand Weeks and Atomic Habits in the wings, and I am desperate to read both…)

Or do I forge ahead?

To be clear, I am totally cool with DNF’ing a book when I’m the only one reading it (Abby Jimenez, I’m looking at you…). But this is a buddy read. What if she loves it? Or, flip side, what if she also is struggling and that’s the reason she hasn’t checked in since I texted her a few weeks ago? Ponder ponder…

This issue/question of giving up was in sharp focus yesterday in my work life, too. No details, but I’ve gotten two emails that are about implementing changes at a level I can’t influence on short notice and with unclear information. It makes me want to give up on one part of my job… which is not really possible. So, yeah. There, I’ll have to forge on through. This book, though – maybe I can and should just set it aside.

For my work life, I’ve always loved this quote on persistence and not giving up, by Jane Goodall: “…isn’t that the making of a little scientist? The curiosity; asking questions; not getting the right answer; deciding to find out for yourself; making a mistake; not giving up; learning patience.”

I know you’re all waiting with bated breath to find out… how were the jeans?

And (because I am a kind person, and it’s early in the morning), the answer is… not bad. They are not new jeans, so they were comfortable in that broken-in-jeans kind of way. And they didn’t pinch, or fall down, or do anything untoward that made me want to run back to my leggings.

That said, I did change into comfy pants when I finally got home (WHY did I pick my longest day in the office this week to try this??). But that’s par for the course. I’m not going to sit at my desk at home and not be in comfy pants. I mean, really. I have some limits.

So now, as Engie pointed out, I have more options! I don’t have to get rid of them. I’m certainly not going to buy any more right now, but I can keep the ones I have and actually wear them. Win-win, in my opinion.

My intention for today? Well, other than coming and posting (and look, I did that!), it’s based on this quote that I found a few weeks ago. As always, attribution is assumed to be correct but please correct me if it is not:

“Keep your mouth shut and your eyes open.” ~Samuel Palmer

And a question… what is one thing you never thought you’d go back to post-lockdown (I can’t say post-COVID because, well, it’s still here) that you actually did go back to? I’m curious if others said “never again” and later reconsidered their choices.

Happy Thursday. Be well, friends.

So, after seeing several people post during NaBloPoMo (thank you, San!) that blogging a bit daily is easier than long posts every once in a (long) while (ahem), I’m posting a rather, well, minor post today. I have a whole post queued up on connection and disconnection and how I struggle connecting. And it occurred to me that, to connect, sometimes you have to reach out. Duh, me.

I’m running a test today. Of what, you ask? Something in class? Nope.

Jeans.

I have had a hard rule for the past almost-four years that I will only wear pants with a comfortable waistband. I held true to this and happily donated a bunch of pants that were not comfortable, that I didn’t like for various reasons, and that didn’t work for me in this season of life. But the two “regular” pairs of pants that I could not seem to get rid of were my favorite pre-COVID jeans. They’re nothing special – one is a thrift store special and the other pair is who-knows-how-old from Old Navy. But I just couldn’t give them up.

So today, a long day at work for me, I’m testing out the real jeans. In a way, it’s a test of my post-pandemic self, and who I have become in the last four years. Because, trust me, it’s not who I was before the Fall of 2019. (I had an interesting Fall of 2019, so for me, this change came a bit earlier than March 2020…) Will they work for me, now? Or will I go home and happily chuck them in the donation box?

Check back tomorrow. 😉

Another Monday morning. Another week. And another chance to do this a bit differently. I want to take time in the morning – again – to start my working day a bit more mindfully. I’d really like to read a chapter in a book, or a few email newsletters that I get. Something not-work. And I struggle every. single. time. I try to make this change.

Why is this so hard for me? You’d think it would be easy, right? Break the habit of opening work email and my To Do list app (this thing has been life-changing for me in terms of keeping track of What Needs To Be Done) first thing. Break the habit of just jumping in with both feet, with nary a thought to doing something for me, first. Something that won’t take more than 15 minutes, honestly.

I always wondered why it was harder for some people to change their eating and/or drinking related habits. I imagine it’s the same kind of block that I have with changing work habits. It’s hard. And frustrating, to fail over and over again at making simple changes that I KNOW will support my mental health and well-being.

I guess there’s nothing to do but try again tomorrow, right? But not just thinking about it – actually doing it. I know NGS has an accountability partner for her workouts; maybe I need to find an accountability partner for my work-related habits. Hm. I’ll have to think about that one.

Regardless, I know I need to change how I approach my weeks and my days. Eventually – right? it has to happen eventually? – I’ll get there. I just hope it’s sooner rather than later!

“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”

– Lao Tzu

It’s been nearly a month and I haven’t yet written up my Chicago trip. But it actually relates to today’s post, which has been percolating in my brain for the last few days.

The semester has started, and with it the sense of drinking from roughly 5 fire hoses at once, trying to manage all of the information and interactions and responsibilities. I worry constantly that I will drop not just one critical ball, but possibly all of them.

This year, I’m juggling more than I have in past years (don’t ask how many independent studies I’m currently overseeing…). And Thursday, I was pretty much at the end of my rope. I knew that I had to do something this weekend to make things better.

My mother’s solution? “Take a nap. You need sleep.”

Here’s the thing: I have this visceral reaction against taking naps. Why? It’s a couple of things. First, it feels like admitting weakness (I know it isn’t, but that’s how it feels). And, I just don’t like sitting and doing nothing, even if I’m not cognizant of doing nothing.

So a nap was probably out. But. There are other ways to rest. And I’ve started to – finally – realize what they are for me. Better late than never, right?

For me, rest involves doing. I know. That makes no sense. But hear (read?) me out.

When I went to the Van Gogh exhibit, I was actively doing something. Actively participating in an event that I wanted to attend. I am an art museum fiend. It’s partly because of how I grew up – we spent many, many vacations and weekends in art museums as kids. While we complained, of course, the blow was usually softened by visits to other types of museums and/or the promise of a quarter if we could find a painting our father wanted to photograph. (This is a really long story but it’s a hilarious part of our family history and an ongoing family joke.)

I learned to love art. I cannot create it – far from it – but oh, I can appreciate it. And I have my favorites. Van Gogh is one of them.

I lost myself in the beauty of the paintings. I was completely engaged. I spent time – as much time as I could – simply gazing at the paintings that spoke to me. Sure, I took pictures, to document and remember which paintings really stood out. But the 1.5 hours I spent in that exhibit were truly a time of rest for me. I didn’t think about my phone. I didn’t think about work. My whole body relaxed.

That is a form of rest for me.

Another one is sitting on a lakeshore, listening to the waves. I could sit there for hours, just listening. I may gaze at the horizon, but just being on the shore, listening, takes me out of my usual work-work-work focus. Hikes are much the same – I don’t go fast, in fact, I’m embarrassingly slow. But hikes, for me, are a time to savor. To take it all in – to drink in the beauty of the world.

I may not be napping, but my brain feels the difference. I feel the difference.

This weekend did not involve art, or a hike (sigh), or a trip to a lake (double sigh). But it did include a family Zoom. And attending a Zoom session yesterday on rest (how fortuitous) with David Whyte.

A few takeaways from the David Whyte session (note: these are approximations of what was said, not exact quotes…this is the essence of what I heard…)

• Rest is the ability to loosen our grip on existence. The way we’re holding our life on the periphery is preventing us from heartfelt engagement into the center. 
• The ability to create a spaciousness, where you’re allowed to explore, you’re allowed to think.
• When we are busy and stressed on the edge of our lives, we tend to join company with others who are in the same way. Being overwhelmed is worn like a red badge of courage. There is a competition as to who is doing the most. Those who rest are not part of your world – they do not count. 
• The act of stopping is the act of dying to that self. You feel as if rest is the enemy to what you’ve achieved on the surface. 
• Give yourself time to inhabit a greater world than the one that you’re inhabiting in such a limited way. 

So I’m going into the week knowing that there are still tons of meetings, and classes, and other responsibilities. But also going into the week having at least had a couple of hours of rest. I wish you the same.

An excerpt from a particularly appropriate David Whyte poem, The House of Belonging:

Sometimes everything
has to be
inscribed across
the heavens

so you can find
the one line
already written
inside you.

Sometimes it takes
a great sky
to find that

first, bright
and indescribable
wedge of freedom
in your own heart.