Oh, friends. Despite my best efforts and intentions, it seems I can’t get here to write more frequently than every two weeks or so. I guess that is what will have to do, for now. I have so many things that I think of sharing with all of you during my days, and they never make it to the screen (and, perhaps you should be grateful for that, as my mind is truly a Random Idea Generator).

As so many have acknowledged on their own blogs, the world is just so heavy right now. War, the pandemic, ongoing political… um… let’s go with ‘messiness’ and leave it there for now, here in the US, and on top of that all of the individual things we all deal with on a daily – sometimes hourly – basis.

It’s a lot. Being human is hard (I had a “sometimes” here and then realized that, no, really, being human is hard). Being an empathetic, caring human who thinks about others, and worries about the world, is even harder.

And yet. I have to believe that somehow, some good will come from all of this. I believe that because to think otherwise would mean giving up on our future, on our ability to eventually shift the currents of life so they lead to a better world. If I didn’t think change was possible (again, eventually), I don’t think I could get out of bed in the mornings. It’s been hard enough as it is – with the tail end of winter reminding us northerners that we’re not quite done with it yet.

Your blogs give me hope. Knowing that there are people doing good things gives me hope.

Yet I struggle with the smallness of my own life, and wonder whether I’m putting enough good back into the world to eventually shift the balance. I am still having trouble finding the courage to put myself out there. I am struggling with finding joy in my daily life. The one element of my 2022 intentions that is going reasonably well is the “be kind” part and, well, that’s just sort of who I am, so it’s kind of a gimme. (Is that cheating on my intentions, if I use something that I generally do anyway? I am going to say it isn’t…)

Life is about to force my hand, though. Thursday morning I am driving 4 hours round trip to present a poster at a regional conference. I thought about attending the whole conference but the monetary and time costs were prohibitive. Still, though – I’ll be with hundreds of other people for the first time since you-know-when. That might chew up my courage reserve for the month! But oh, there will be joy in once again sharing science and friendship with people I’ve met through the years.

I feel a bit like I am going from 0-60 in terms of seeing and interacting with people. From hermit to conference. I’m sure it will be fine – I just hope that I remember how to talk in front of a large group!

As Brene Brown said… “You can choose courage or you can choose comfort. You cannot have both.”

I guess it’s time for me to really choose courage.

I hope that you are all hanging in there amidst the uncertainty, the upheaval, the challenges that Life These Days is presenting to all of us. Knowing you are all out there, dealing with the same things (in addition to many other things I don’t have to deal with in my own life!) helps tremendously. I hope it helps to know that I’m here, too, trying to put some good back out into the universe.

**Edited to add** This post will come across as ridiculously frivolous in light of all that is going on in our world. I have been following the news out of Ukraine, of course, with a heavy heart. Yet, for the first time in a long time, I find myself needing to step away a bit. I still pay very close attention, but I also need to find space for non-doom-related thoughts. This post is in that spirit. I will come back to the war, and my thoughts, at some point. But for now, I’m finding that a bit too much. I hope you understand.

I usually try to have a focus for my posts, but today I just have random thoughts zipping around in my head, and thought, well, maybe I’ll bore the internet with some of these. So feel free to mosey on by to something more substantive than my musings! I’ll just ramble on here for a bit, then hopefully get back to normal programming at some point.

I am currently on “spring break”, which means we do not have classes, nor are we *supposed* to have meetings. So, yeah. I have a meeting tomorrow, three on Tuesday, two meetings and an evening webinar on Wednesday, and another meeting on Friday. Mmm hmm. In between, I am hoping to make some progress on those things that take a backseat to prepping for class each week (e.g., manuscripts, reviewing articles or others’ papers/drafts/etc.). We’ll see how it goes.

I hit the wall yesterday. I knew this would happen – it does, at least once every academic year. Started with feeling rather punky on Friday afternoon and then yesterday I felt like I was staring at my computer screen and trying to put together 2 brain cells to form something resembling coherent words. So instead of pushing it – and producing something I’d regret later – I… cleared out the ~75 browser tabs I had in my work browser.

Seventy. Five. Give or take. I couldn’t find anything when I was looking for it (e.g., a tab that remains open to a course that I am taking this semester) and it was giving me extreme anxiety. It took hours. But I feel so. much. better. A good use of time when I was definitely not firing on all cylinders! (Note: You may think that this post shows I am still not firing on all cylinders, to be fair…)

I hope you are all managing to stay awake today post-springing forward. I tend to do okay with this one –it’s definitely easier for me than the Fall, most likely because I don’t sleep very much anyway. BUT I also know that I will be ready for bed while it’s still light out tonight. Oh, well, ’tis reality for someone who goes to bed way too early, even in summer! (And, it should be noted, I did doze a bit while doing my morning reading on the couch this morning. It was just so comfy, and warm, and I had tea, and…)

My car started doing a “weird thing” yesterday and it’s stressing me out. I’m taking it in tomorrow (thank goodness for spring break in a University town – everyone else is, well, out of town!) and hoping against hope that it’s not the transmission, or something super-duper expensive. I get very anxious about these types of things, mostly because I’m such a moron when it comes to mechanical/car-related stuff. I have to drop it off and take the shuttle so will be fretting all day that I won’t be able to get it back at the end of the day. Ah, the joys of a brain that loves to borrow trouble. Please keep my 10 year old Prius in your thoughts. I am hoping to get at least another 5 years out of it, if not 10.

It was snowing lightly when I went on my super-early walk this morning, and I suspect it might be the last snow that we see for a while. Then again, this IS Wisconsin, and I distinctly remember a nasty turn in April 2020 (well, other than that whole COVID thing) when we had highs in the 20s after having highs in the 40s+ for weeks. That was what prompted the purchase of my cheapo folding stationary bike – still the best pandemic purchase for me. Although I love winter (really, I do) I will not miss taking 5 minutes to get ready to walk out the door by layering up, figuring out which coat to wear (the heavy one or the REALLY heavy one), etc. Summer is just so much easier in that regard.

Somehow, I have managed to agree to and book a trip to Florida. In May. With my parents. Despite the fact that Stephany lives there, making it a much better place than it would be otherwise, I’m still wrestling with the idea of spending money in a state that legislates hate. Sigh. Yet, this was what I could afford, and what was accessible for me, and for my parents. Part of me wants to donate to organizations supporting LGBTQ+ youth and public health initiatives… I’ll have to ponder that as the time gets closer. And, of course, in the context of what the car needs. Sigh, again.

This post is so totally in line with how my brain was this morning on my walk… random stream of consciousness thoughts that I’d share (and bore you to tears with) if you were sitting here with me today. This morning’s randomness led me to remembering when I first worked in the DC area, the people with whom I interacted at that job (Donna, Ric, Jean… most of whom are probably retired by now!), and even what the parking permit looked like (it was a little car, with the year on the “tires”… it was one of the cutest parking permits I’ve seen).

There is an Event in the community room right now (just down the hall from me). I am betting baby shower. Lots of female voices and high-pitched squeals of “I haven’t seen you in forever!” It makes me smile to overhear these things and think about the different stages of life. 🙂

I have Goals this week, in addition to (sigh) Meetings. I hope to get the bathroom closet finally cleaned up, clear out some ancient files in my desk filing drawers (do I really NEED documentation of my job search from 2000?), and (car willing) take books to the 1/2 price bookstore. We’ll see what actually happens, though. If I can get one thing done, it will make me happy. All 3? We’d be verging into ecstatic. Ha.

OK, this is a really, really long and boring post. Thanks for letting me do a bit of a brain dump though. Time to move on to the next thing on the work to-do list!

I have been conspicuously (or, perhaps, inconspicuously) absent from this space for the last two weeks.

They’ve been interesting ones, requiring me to use courage in ways that I didn’t anticipate at the beginning of the year. I was going to write about my reflections on last year this morning, and what I learned about myself in doing so. I was going to write about how I anticipate courage coming into my life this year.

Instead, oof, I feel like I really need to focus on the last two weeks. They’ve been… how can I put this? Let’s go with “challenging”. It seemed like work, the weather, and myriad other things were conspiring against me and most of my coworkers in the last two weeks. So many meetings, so many things to decide, so much time spent in Zoom calls with various groups of people. It happens every year around this time, so it’s not completely out of the ordinary. But man, it hit harder this year, and I am not sure why.

Regardless, these past two weeks required me to show up and be courageous in ways that I hadn’t anticipated. The courage to speak up in meetings. The courage to lead a potentially contentious discussion on behalf of a friend who’d already been in the line of fire from the group doing the discussing. The courage to commit to an invited presentation (one that was advertised and everything – yikes!) then engage in live discussion with a co-presenter. The courage to admit that I majorly screwed up the analysis for a particular study (sigh…).

So much time out of my comfort zone and yet, I realize that it’s necessary for my growth, for me to change.

And now I need to find the courage to do the same in my personal life. I started thinking this weekend how I wanted courage to integrate into my life this year. I know that I want to work (more) on courage at work, as well as courage in my personal life / at home. I know that I need to find the courage to change, if in fact I want things to change.

I’m not quite there yet – I don’t know what this will look like, exactly. But I hope the end result gives me some insights into who I am now, and who I want to be, and how I can bridge the gap between them.

There’s not much substance here, and I’m sorry for it. But these thoughts are still pretty nebulous… and it’s hard to be much more definitive than I’ve been.

So instead, I’ll leave you with a quote…

Nothing keeps us from changing more than our tendency — our willingness — to remain locked into versions of ourselves, into personae and identities barred in by heavy leaden rods of self-righteousness. Too often, we’d rather be right than understand — ourselves or others or the world — but it is only understanding, which only grows by leaps and bounds of wrong guesses and failed theories, that firms our grasp of reality.

~Anne Lamott

I’ve always loved reading these posts when written by others. They give a good glimpse into our days and our lives – and I’m not going to lie – the word prompts are helpful too, when you’re just getting your brain going on a Monday Tuesday morning. (Started this Monday morning and… somehow now it is Tuesday. Sigh.)

So with that, here’s what I am currently…

Enjoying…the quiet of a Monday Tuesday morning working at home. It astonishes me sometimes how quiet it can be in this apartment. This is a great example – early morning, most people haven’t gotten going yet (or if they have, they’re in their own apartments doing so!). For once, there are no sirens or loud trucks going down the main road near my apartment. It’s just… Quiet. I love it.

Drinking…Good Earth Sweet & Spicy tea before I have my cup of coffee. Speaking of which, I am still drinking the free coffees (well, free but for shipping and handling) from Tchibo coffee. San brought my attention to this offer and I was astonished to find out that… it was true? I’ve loved the ones I’ve tried so far. Saving the dark roast for last as that is usually my favorite. 🙂

Eating…Well, nothing at the moment. I’ll have a granola bar in a bit.

Feeling…behind. Always and forever. I will never catch up, and I think I just need to come to grips with that.

Reading…Well, nothing at this exact moment. But I’m currently flipping between Think Again, by Adam Grant, and The Third to Die, by Allison Brennan. Both good in their own (very different) ways.

Listening to…My Really Good (and really random) playlist on YouTube. Currently playing Darius Rucker, Wagon Wheel. Who know what will come up next?

Grateful for… people who make me think. Being challenged to think differently is hard for me, but often necessary. I appreciate those in my life who make me think without challenging my inherent worth as a human being. My ideas, yes, but not who I am. This comes up in work and in life, and I do appreciate the opportunity to revisit and reconsider my beliefs and / or thoughts.

Buying…. not a whole lot. Trying to reduce frivolous spending this month. Last month got a bit out of hand. The problem is, a lot of winter stuff is on sale right now (fleece, etc.) and I do have a few things to replace. Hm. Maybe a one-for-one approach? Something in and something (equivalent) out?

(For those who are curious, the playlist went to Brandi Carlisle. That woman has…a voice. Wow.)

Taking… a deep breath as I look at my schedule today. Meetings straight from 9-1. Short break, and then one more meeting to wrap up the day. Oof. Why do I think that I can get something done on these days? It so rarely happens.

Anticipating…making some changes in my routine (I know! It’s crazy to even consider). I’ve realized that if I want to do more of what I want to do (e.g., write here, read and comment on your blogs) that I need to shift priorities or it will never happen.

Wishing…all of you a wonderful Tuesday and a great rest of the week. I’m hoping to be back soon (maybe even this week?) with some thoughts on Courage and how I see it manifesting in my life this year.

Wow. I know everyone says this, every month, but how on earth is it already February? I mean, I’ll never argue with anyone who asserts that January is the longest month, because of course it is, but it seems as though February really snuck up on me this year.

Thank you all, again, for your support and your virtual hugs. It really means a lot… and it’s bolstered me as I take on this rather daunting task of exploring my identity as a newly single middle-aged (sigh) adult. I confess that I did not get as far as I had hoped in reviewing 2021, in all its ups and downs. I did have a few revelations, though…

First, that I was kind of blind to how things were, and in hindsight it seems almost inevitable that we arrived where we did at the end of the year. I am the kind of person who takes notes, so of course I have notes and journal entries from throughout the year. One thing is clear – despite my brief forays into optimism, things were really the same at the beginning of the year as they were closer to the end. In an odd way, that made me feel a bit better about how the year ended. We did try. We did make an effort. It seems like things were just too far gone to salvage the relationship.

I’m continuing my reflection and review into February. I knew this would be a long project, for lack of a better word, and I want to take my time to really explore how I evolved to who I am right now. Which (I hope) will help me figure out how and who I want to be going forward.

Another realization was more of a confirmation of what I already knew about myself. I was too much of a hermit last year. I missed so many opportunities to get out more, to step away, to do something other than well, work. Seeing all those missed opportunities makes me a bit sad. I don’t want to waste that kind of time again. Which means that I have to go into the rest of 2022 with the intention of re-engaging with the world (in a way that feels safe for me, of course).

Which leads to my word of the year (courage, in case you missed it) and my intentions (Be kind. Seek joy.). I was thinking last night whether I’ve shown courage this month. There were a few moments that stood out. Believe it or not, going in to teach last week for the first time in weeks – getting on a crowded bus (thankfully with masked riders) – and putting myself physically in front of a classroom of students took a bit more courage than I anticipated. I’ve been doing this for a while. I like teaching. I love my students. So it was surprising to me that I needed to really needed to pump myself up, in a way, to go into those classrooms. (Of course, it went fine. That doesn’t mean I’m not anxious about tomorrow, though. That’s just who I am!)

And… the other thing I started doing towards the end of the month was seeking joy in every day. Elisabeth writes about joyfinding, a word that I love. My joyfinding this month included a random FaceTime with my parents on Saturday morning, and taking the time to participate in a virtual forum for Daniel Pink’s new book, the Power of Regret. I had preordered the book, which gave me access to the event, and it exceeded my expectations. So many powerful lessons. The best one came from Anne Lamott and her book Bird by Bird (which, for the record, I have not yet read despite it being recommended by many people). The gist of the lesson was that to get things done, you have to take one step at a time. You can only see a few feet in front of you, so focus on that, and taking one step. Then take another. And another. And before you know it, you have completed an entire journey, one step at a time.

For me, that’s a wonderful approach to take this year. One step forward. One small action to seek a bit of adventure in my life. One small joy in each day. Reflecting on what was, what is, and what will be, one step at a time.

(And yes, I will be reading her book now… that lesson tipped it for me…)

Although I haven’t read the book, reading the reviews of it led me to this quote, which seems appropriate…

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up.”

Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird