No, I don’t mean that the blog is / will be suspended. More that I feel as though I am suspended – still – between 2021 and 2022. Between what was and what is.

I’ve mentioned before that my life changed a lot in 2021, in ways that were expected (well, to some extent) and others that came completely out of the blue. It was one of those years that, as Zora Neale Hurston said so memorably, asks questions. It was definitely not one of the years with answers. I don’t know (yet, of course) whether 2022 will differ and manage to provide some clarity and answers, but I’m going to do my darndest to find the answers if they are out there!

Like any good academic, I had grand plans for last week, the Week of No Meetings. The week of trying to catch up on all the projects, papers, grants, and other non-teaching, non-committee work. I actually did pretty well on the work-related goals, getting several things fully or partially crossed off my list. So that was good. What wasn’t so good was that I didn’t get any of the personal reflection time that I was craving so badly. I was able to do a bit at the beginning of the week, but completely fell off towards the weekend. It wasn’t all bad – there were phone calls with two old friends I’ve known since, well, since I can remember. There were texts with friends and family. There was some extra reading time. But there wasn’t the opportunity to do the deep reflection I wanted on the past year – the year that, for me, everything changed.

For me, this is a huge downside of not going anywhere – I have no opportunity to get out of my home routine and really focus on something other than work. If given the option, I will almost always take 10 or 20 or even 30 “found” minutes and use them for work-related activities, in an effort to just keep my head above water. That’s something I need to change – because time spent on myself (not work), getting to know myself, and getting my life somewhat in order is essential to my overall well-being.

All of that to say that I didn’t finish my reflections on the past year+. I didn’t finish several of the tasks (for lack of a better word) that I had assigned myself. But you know what? I think I’m okay with that. There is no rule that reflection on the past year has to end at midnight on New Year’s Eve. The reflection police aren’t going to arrest me for reflecting on January 15th instead of January 1st.

I keep saying that the past year was one of big changes for me, but it’s really been the past 3-4 years. It’s going to take time. I want to dig into what I have learned, what I want to bring forward with me, and what I want to leave behind. I want to really think about how my life has been in the last few years, and how I want it to be as I move into my future. I even want to spend some time thinking about further-in-the-past me, to see how I can bring back some pieces of who I was even earlier in my adulthood that I seem to have lost over time. Pieces that seemed so essential to my identity at the time that seem to have disappeared over the years.

You can see why that might take some time. But the thing is, I want to know who I am know. I want to understand who I’ve been. And I want to figure out who I want to be.

As usual, last night’s tea bag was spot on (side note: Yogi tea and Good Earth tea both have the best sayings on their tags…).

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Here’s to 2022. I hope that the start of the year was peaceful and joyful for all of you. I am eager to be back in this space more… as part of that “time for myself” that seems so elusive some days. Thank you, as always for reading my blathering, and for being here, even when I’m only able to post sporadically.

First (ha), I’d like to thank the wonderful person who invented fleece. I know that it may not be the most environmentally friendly fabric, but in winter here in the upper Midwest, there is nothing like a fleece-lined pair of leggings to make my day better. I even have fleece pajamas. More than one pair, if we’re being honest. Pair the fleece with fuzzy socks and I’m in heaven.

On the flip side, I’ve been dealing with some nagging fatigue. I’m hoping that it’s just my usual end-of-semester fatigue (15 weeks is a long time… add in the pandemic and all that goes along with that, and, well, it’s a recipe for wanting more zzz’s than usual). The problem, for me, is that I seem constitutionally incapable of sleeping more than an hour past my usual (very very early) wake up time. I’m also not a napper. (Note: Those two conditions do not hold if I am well and truly sick, but if I’m just tired, well, nope.) This year seems particularly acute, and I suspect that COVID-related fatigue and frustration have something to do with it. I’m also freaking out (hey, another f!) about next semester, during which I will teach two courses (currently in person, sigh), and take two courses myself. It could get interesting about, oh, March or so. I’ll have to be on guard and make sure that I’m taking sufficient time away.

Family. I was supposed to drive east to see my family yesterday. It didn’t happen. I wound up canceling the trip last week out of an abundance of caution. I think my parents were a bit surprised, but I’ve also been the most cautious family member throughout this thing. With hospitalizations skyrocketing again, ICUs and hospitals full, and variable risk depending on geographic location, I just did not want to risk it. So it will be another solo Christmas. That said, this year, perhaps I’ll take San’s suggestion and put a YouTube yule log on my computer. 🙂

I admit to a fair amount of frustration at the persistent inability of Americans to just do what they should have been doing all along. I’m not surprised, of course, but I am frustrated. This did not have to happen. And it’s going to be worse in a few weeks. I’m also frustrated that the organizers of a course I am taking this spring have not moved the planned half-day meeting (yes, half-day – from 7-12) that is currently scheduled to take place in Florida. In January. I’ll let you ponder that one for a while. And with apologies to Stephany, to be honest, Florida is the LAST place I want to be now, let alone a month from now when omicron is rampaging through the population. Here’s hoping they make a decision soon…

I am finally writing this post (it’s been brewing since Friday, of course!), the work-related meetings are finally winding down in anticipation of a slower week and a half, and I also finally finished my grant submissions for the semester. Whew. It’ll be a miracle if either of them gets funded… which brings me to the next “f”…

Thus far, my attempts at obtaining external funding have been futile. I’ve put in what seems like countless applications, and get similar feedback each time. Yet, when I share that feedback with my senior colleagues and mentors, they are stunned, because, to them, the studies are more than worth funding. So while it’s been futile, it’s also been immensely frustrating. I’m clearly not getting my point across as clearly as I need to, but… my mentors can’t give me much advice on what to change because they think that the proposals are good. So, yeah. We’ll see how this semester’s submissions go.

Finally, I just want to say, again, how much fun I am having focusing on a smaller set of blogs whose owners are just awesome people. Those of you who take the time to read my intermittent ramblings have really made my online life so much more enjoyable. I look forward to seeing what you and your families are up to, I worry when I don’t see posts for a period of time, and I feel like I’ve finally found a small online community that I truly enjoy. So thank you for being here, and for tolerating my quirks and weirdnesses. 🙂

I can’t come up with a title – hopefully something will come to me after I write this out! (Edited to add: Yep.) I wasn’t going to take the time to write a post this morning but I’ve wanted to write this since over the weekend, and as it’s now Tuesday, well, it’s time.

I’ve been in a funk, and for no good reason. My teaching load is not heavy this semester, so I’m not teaching and grading and dealing with student questions – all the things that go along with trying to be a good professor. I’ve been focusing on research in progress and research in development, as well as students’ proposals, and so my mind has been consumed with the details of grant submissions and the challenges of making your ideas clear and interesting within a very restricted number of pages.

And as much as I love research, I think this is the reason for my fun. Even I need a break from it periodically. I haven’t had that recently -it’s been gogogo since, well, at least 6 weeks ago. I’m definitely to blame, too, since I rarely if ever take enough time away from work to give my brain a break. Turns out you can really put yourself into a funk when you do that.

Yet here I am – at a point when stepping away for an entire day or even a half day will get me so far behind that I may never catch up. Once I realized yesterday just how bad things had gotten, I decided to try to build small joys into my day. Last evening, I streamed part of a beautiful Christmas concert while I ate and then stretched after my shower. This morning, I took a slightly longer shower than usual, and I plan to indulge in an extra cup of coffee to make sure I’m fueled up for another long day.

Tiny things, but they make me feel a little calmer, a little more relaxed.

And this weekend, I tried to get back into my habit of reading poetry or something, well, “inspiring” (I know, so specific…ha) daily. Of course the universe had a bit of a message for me.

Flipping through Mary Oliver’s Upstream, which is a book of essays (Side note: I much prefer her poems but her essays are quite good as well), the following jumped off the page, just as I was about to close the book and put it aside:

“How wonderful that the universe is beautiful in so many places and in so many ways. But also the universe is brisk and businesslike, and no doubt does not give its delicate landscapes or its thunderous displays of power, and perhaps perception, too, for our sakes or our improvement. Nevertheless, its intonations are our best tonics, if we would take them. For the universe is full of radiant suggestion. For whatever reason, the heart cannot separate the world’s appearance and actions from morality and valor, and the power of every idea is intensified, if not actually created, by its expression in substance. Over and over in the butterfly we see the idea of transcendence. In the forest we see not the inert but the aspiring. In water that departs forever and forever returns, we experience eternity.”

What a lovely sentiment to ponder on a dark December morning… that the universe is full of radiant suggestion. I hope the suggestions the universe sends to you this week are inspiring and uplifting. I’m trying to hold on to those feelings as I head into my Tuesday. <3

As always, behind everyone else. But, these lists of questions are so much fun to read on other’s sites, so I thought I’d give it a try here… I don’t typically share much, but these aren’t asking me to share my address and phone number, so I think we’re good. Ha. Most of these are from the post San did several weeks ago. So thanks, San, for the idea!

1. Physical stuff? I am short. As in, 5′ 2.5″ on a good day. I cannot use the top shelves in my kitchen cabinets. And do not get me started on that cabinet over the fridge. Or the microwave. My stepladder is my friend.
2. Do you have any kids? Nope. Wasn’t in the cards, and it’s actually a good thing. I’m probably way too self-centered to be a good parent. I’ll spoil my nieces instead, thanks.
3. Any siblings? Yes! One brother, 14 months older than me. We have always been close – even when in high school. Now, we rely on text and the infamous weekly Family Zoom to keep in touch. He’s the best big brother I could have asked for.
4. Where did you grow up? I grew up in central Pennsylvania. My parents still live there, and my brother and his family live about 45 minutes south of them in MD. Most of my extended family also lives there – I am definitely the black sheep in that I left PA at age 24 and have only been back for one short (doomed) stint at a job in Philadelphia. Pros: Close to my family for the first time in decades. Cons: Hated the job. What can you do?
5. What did you study in college? All of my degrees are in nursing – BSN, MSN, and PhD. My specialties, though, are pediatric and family nursing as well as genetics and genomics. DNA all the way. It’s been my passion for over 20 years and I love it. And, my specific population of interest is teenagers with chronic health conditions like diabetes, or food allergies, that kind of thing.
6. What kind of music do you like? Well, um, yeah, I’m weird, so Celtic and Scottish folk, a bit of bluegrass, Brandi Carlisle, the Chicks, and a whole assortment of other random artists. Oh, and classical! Love, love, love classical music. Not so much for contemporary pop/rock/rap, but I will listen to pretty much anything as long as it’s actually, you know, musical.
7. Windows or Mac/Android or iPhone? Mac (home), PC (work), iPhone (both work and home). It’s actually good because I’m pretty good at both OS’s, so I can give my parents tech support for their PCs. Which happens a lot. Even though I’m the kid who doesn’t live nearby.
8. What job would you be terrible at? Retail or food service. I’m a klutz and my “customer service” skills are nonexistent. This means that I truly appreciate everyone who CAN work in those jobs. Because if I had to? No one would buy anything, and they’d never get their food while it’s hot. Or, they’d have it delivered to their laps, and not the table (see “klutz”, above).
9. Have you ever traveled outside the country? Oh, yes, and I love it. Sigh. Can’t wait to get back to it. Favorite places are too many to count, but Australia, Iceland, France (particularly the South of France), and Canada are all favorites. Next, I’d love to go to the British Isles (Scotland, Ireland, Wales, in particular) but not sure when/if that will happen. Sigh.
10. If you weren’t in your current job, what would you be doing? I would love to be a librarian. Think how awesome that would be – surrounded by books all day? Sign me up. But, again, I’d truly stink at the customer service aspect, so… yeah. Not sure how realistic that is.

So there you go, a few tidbits about me. Hopefully you’re not going to run scared now that you realize just how odd I am. (Although, if you’ve been here a bit, you’ve probably realized that already…)

Happy Monday, and happy Thanksgiving week to those of you in the US.

I promise, all of those random things in the post title are (somewhat) related. Let’s see if I can connect the dots… 🙂

As most if not all of you know, I am always about 1 week behind in reading blog posts from my favorites (life… sigh…). Which means that this weekend I was reading about Halloween and what people were doing. It got me thinking about how I have always hated Halloween – specifically, the dressing up part. I was never the kid who loved coming up with costumes. I never had any ideas, and was perfectly happy with those awful plastic masks and costumes that made you sweat the moment you put them on. (Anyone else remember those??) No thought or creativity required.

It’s not just a lack of creativity, though, that makes me dislike Halloween. It’s the idea of creating the “best” costume in order to stand out in some way. I have always hated being the center of attention – or, really, attracting any attention at all. I am content to blend into the background, to rarely appear in photos. I never wanted to have everyone’s eyes on me, and so I have spent a lot of my life figuring out how to blend in and disappear.

This has extended to my adult life, too. I am uncomfortable in bright colors or patterns (hm, trying to think if I own anything with a pattern other than, well, a stripe… or a plaid flannel shirt… ). I’m really uncomfortable in clothing that is tight, or sparkly, or that draws attention to me in any way.

Which is one of the reasons I loved lockdown with every fiber of my being. If you want to essentially disappear, there is no better way to do so than to work remotely. For the first time in my working life – other than the brief, glorious period when I wore scrubs to work every day (oh, how I miss scrubs…) – I was able to wear exactly what I wanted. Leggings. Yoga pants. Comfortable sweaters and tops. I was still presentable but I was so much more comfortable.

It’s helped me be so much more interactive and participatory in meetings. When I’m not worried about what I look like, and when I don’t have all the eyes in a room on me, I am much better at speaking up and sharing my perspective. I don’t do it often, of course – that would be completely unlike me. For one of the first times in my life, I feel like a full participant in some of these meetings rather than an observer.

I feel like the last almost two (good grief) years have helped me be more present in my professional life. To participate more, interact more with my colleagues, and honestly, get more done. Yes, things were slow with the pandemic. Yes, teaching online had its moments. But there were good things, too.

The challenge now is, how do I maintain this as things open back up? I don’t know what we’ll be doing going forward – although I do teach in person and that will continue. I am planning to push pretty hard that we keep a virtual option for all meetings, to allow those with health and other challenges to participate. I’m hopeful but also know there is a lot of support for being back in person all the time.

What I do know, though, is that I am no longer going to dress for others. Just for me. I feel like I’m finally recognizing who I am, after too many years of trying to keep up, trying to measure up to others’ expectations or standards. It feels good.