That’s what the last week has felt like.

A week of changes, frustrations, annoyances, lots of peopling, and just an overwhelming sense of, well, too much.

I knew that reentry into real life was going to be hard. I knew that there were a lot of changes coming. I think I just had my head in the sand, thinking that things would just continue as they were, that I could just keep moving forward the way I have the last 18+ months.

Whoops. Talk about a miscalculation. Now that the changes – both those I have initiated, and those that have been, well, thrust upon me – are sweeping in, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed and a lot underprepared. And like I said, it’s my own fault, for not wanting to see that this was going to happen – that it was inevitable – and that the best thing I could do would be to prepare. I don’t think I did. At least not to the extent that I should have.

It’s not that I am not embracing some of the changes – believe me, it was good to spend even a few hours in the office yesterday, even if most of that was spent wrestling with the printer (argh, why?). I got to see 2 of my favorite people – a bit of serendipity. (Sidenote: I was going to write “unexpected serendipity” but, well, isn’t ALL serendipity unexpected? After all, that’s kind of the point…)

And it reminded me that even if I didn’t prepare myself well, even if the changes kind of snuck up on me, well, the only thing I can do now is respond to them as best I can. Maybe I am not ready to fully embrace them – give me some time, here! – but I can at least recognize them for what they are, realize that I am unable to change many of them, and just, well, remain calm.

One thing I have been doing the last, oh, month or so was inspired by Kae, over at Grateful Kae. As you may have gleaned from the name, she brings in something to be grateful for, each and every day. I’ve been doing the same. Sometimes, my gratitude is for something really simple (usually food, if I’m being honest!). Other times, though, it surprises me how much I am grateful for, despite what seemed like a really off day. It is a good reminder that there is some good in every day, and that it’s probably a bit better to focus on that, not the endless cycle of frustration.

That I’m even here at all…is astonishing. Because it could just as easily have not been the case.
I am humbled by that. I am humbled by the the absolute improbability that any of this is happening…

~Josh Radnor

No, not an actual river (although, honestly, that sounds kind of nice).

I can’t decide if it’s the river of time, or of life, although honestly, those are pretty similar when you stop and think about it. What I’m trying to get at is that I feel like I am hurtling through life right now, swept along by the urgency of getting all the things done before the semester starts.

It’s enough more challenging than usual this year, since I spent the last 2 weeks of July blissfully engaged in the online course I was taking. I disconnected from pretty much everything else that was going on, and just did the bare minimum to get by. And it was lovely.

But since I returned to real life, well, it’s been nonstop, and top speed.

I know this happens to everyone at different points in the year; it just so happens to be my turn. And I know this happens every year – so it shouldn’t surprise me, but it does. Every year. So why am I surprised? Why does it take me off guard – every year – even though I know that it is coming?

I’ve been stymied in my attempts to do my morning reading – currently in the middle of an Alan Lightman book for my AM reading (I try to pick something with a bit more depth than I read in the evenings). I’ve gotten back in the habit of jumping right into emails as soon as I open my computer. I’ve been sorely neglecting this blog, and my own attempts to help myself through these stressful periods of life.

So it’s time to reset. Just a bit. The semester will be on me soon enough. But you know what? The 20 minutes I take to read in the morning, the opportunity to come and share my thoughts here – those are too important to me to just throw them out because life is “busy”. Life is always going to be busy. It’s time to recalibrate things a bit and remember that yes, work is important, but so is life.

I think I’ve shared this one before, but it still rings true…

One of the best things about the blogosphere – and, particularly, the blogs I choose to read – is that it reminds me that there is a whole wide world out there, and there are a lot of ways in being in the world that differ from my way of being in the world. I learn so much from those who just do things differently. So if you’re reading, I probably read your blog too. And I just wanted to say thanks for reminding me to look up, to look around, and to maybe consider that a slightly different approach will not only be better for me, but it won’t keep me from getting where I want and need to be.

Off to get this Monday started…

An odd subject, perhaps, but one that’s been on my mind of late. I spent the last two glorious weeks immersed in learning about one of my favorite topics, focusing nearly exclusively on that. It was wonderful. It was mentally exhausting. But it was also exhilarating.

I wondered why I felt simultaneously tired and energized… but it wasn’t the kind of cognitive and sensory overload that typically comes at the end of a long day of meetings, or even the physical fatigue I feel after a long day out in nature. My brain was completely fried but in a good way. I felt like I was using brain cells that had been dormant for too long. Waking them up and getting them firing again wasn’t easy, but oh, it was rewarding. I was energized because, well, wow. So many new and interesting and exciting things to learn. This course does a wonderful job of presenting cutting-edge data and information. So when I attend I know that I am going to expand the boundaries of my knowledge, which to me is one of the best possible things I can experience.

I realized that what I get out of this course – and others that I have the good fortune to participate in – directly aligns with one of my main values. You know those lists of values you see floating around, typically just a collection of words focused on different things – like family, education, justice, equality, etc? One of my top values is the combination of learning / education / knowledge. Learning because it can be formal or informal, and it’s lifelong; education because it’s one approach to learning, and one to which everyone should have access; and knowledge, because to me that is the outcome of learning and education.

For me, that value means growing, stretching my mental muscles, learning new things and new ways of thinking about the world. There is so much we don’t know. Learning as much as possible about ourselves and the world we live in is, to me, a basic principle of being human. I try so hard to foster a love of learning in my students… and not just educate them because the curriculum dictates that I need to. Lifelong curiosity, learning, seeking knowledge? To me, that’s the best possible way to live, and I hope that I can get at least some of my students to agree with me.

This applies to my research, too. Research generates knowledge. How cool is that? It doesn’t take what is known and use it in some way. Instead, research lets you push the boundaries of what is known. Ask the questions that haven’t been answered yet, and try your best to find the answers. I always say that the best part of doing research is that you never manage to answer “the last question”. There is no end – only more questions brought up by the ones that you (at least temporarily) answered. The quest for knowledge, for understanding? It’s what gets me out of bed in the morning.

So, what can I learn today? Time to find out…

Great thinkers don’t boast about how much they know; they marvel at how little they understand… A mark of lifelong learners is recognizing they can learn something from everyone they meet.

~Adam Grant

(From his new book, Think Again, which I need to read…)

I have yet again been absent from this blog. This time, though, it’s for (what I think is) a wonderful reason – I’m in the middle of a 2 week long intensive course on my favorite scientific topic.

Yes, I’m completely nerding out for two weeks. And I am loving it. I love that my calendar is largely empty, other than the sessions, which run from 0730-1630 (sorry, you can take the nurse out of the hospital but you apparently will have to rip her love for the 24 hour clock from her cold, dead hands…). I love that I get so into the lectures and discussions that I talk back to my computer. I love that I get to learn more every year that I attend this course. And each year, my mind is blown. It’s the best money that I spend all year.

And this is one of the reasons I love my job. I know I haven’t written about my weird job and how it’s just not like other jobs. But academia, for all its faults, provides me with the opportunity to feed my passions. To truly immerse myself in a topic that I love, regardless of why I love it. Of course, this will be a lot easier (and I will feel a lot more secure) when I achieve tenure. But even those of us who are earlier on the academic track are told to follow our passions. And to keep asking questions. A job that pays me to focus on what I love, and that lets me ask all the questions I want? Sign me up, even if the pay is the lowest I’ve received since graduating college lo these many years ago.

There is probably some way to do this in many jobs… but for me, this is the perfect combination of following my passion, immersing myself in the science of something I love, and giving myself the space and time to keep learning, to keep asking questions, to know that we don’t know everything. There is still so much to learn about this world of ours. I’m grateful that I get to keep learning.

Now on to week two of nerding out…

Just yesterday I watched an ant crossing a path, through the
tumbled pine needles she toiled.
And I thought: she will never live another life but this one.
And I thought: if she lives her life with all her strength
is she not wonderful and wise?

~Mary Oliver

I’ve seen a lot of bloggers use the “Currently” approach to outline what’s on their minds, or going in their lives. Since I can never quite follow the rules exactly – either a strength or a weakness, depending on one’s point of view – here’s my Monday morning look into what’s going on in my brain (always a scary place) and life in general.

Currently, I am…

Happy… that my parents are on their long-awaited beach trip this week. They have been looking forward to this for months. They go with another family – a big one – every year and they rent the same place, eat lots of food, go to the beach, and just relax. They need this so badly, and I’m so glad they’re finally there… even if it means I have to suffer through texts that will make me envious all week.

Grateful… that the family member who had the health issue is rapidly improving. Thank goodness for modern medicine.

Baffled… by learning that people apparently move with UPS these days? It’s move in season in my apartment complex. That’s what you get when you’re in a University town with a large academic medical center. July 1 is when residencies and fellowships in medicine start. So it’s a huge time of turnover around here, which is great for my people-watching habit. Anyway, I saw this when I went to the package room one day:

That’s the package room and the hallway outside. Yikes. When I went to tell the apartment managers, they told me that people are moving with UPS. Can you fathom how expensive that must be? I was completely baffled. Completely.

Looking forward to… the end of July. I have a two-week intensive online course at the end of the month that I take as often as I can (in person, if possible, of course it’s virtual this year…). I love it, and cannot wait to learn more about my favorite topic.

Feeling… a bit overwhelmed by the fact that I have not one, but two coffee dates, this week. Yikes. With people I like, but still. That’s a lot for someone who’s still feeling her way into the world post-pandemic. I am also planning lunch with my mother in law (much-delayed, and feeling guilty about that) so it’s going to be a socially overwhelming week for me. I might be a hermit next week. 😉

Ready… to get this week started! Have a wonderful one, whatever you are up to!