We made it to January 20th.

Like many, I am starting to feel a bit of a lift. Hope. A shift. Even… a bit of joy?

This morning, I changed my necklace. See, I can’t wear rings. I don’t wear “statement jewelry”. I don’t have a tattoo (long story, but I really can’t get one for health reasons…). I don’t wear statement shirts. I drink out of a plain white mug. You get the picture, I imagine.

But the one item of jewelry/clothing that I do tend to make a bit of a personal statement with is my necklace. I have many gathered over the years. A few gifts, but more of them are gifts-to-self, purchased for a specific reason and with a specific meaning in mind.

The necklace I put on today is a lovely reproduction of the Norwegian rune Wunjo. Why?

Source: https://runesecrets.com/rune-meanings/wunjo

That’s why. Joy. Hope. Harmony. Fellowship. Kindred. (I don’t know about Perfection… we’re a long, long, long way from that…)

I haven’t worn this necklace in a long time. A very long time. I don’t know if I have worn it at all the last four years, but if I have, it’s been for a short period of time. More often, I have worn my Tree of Life necklace, or one that I purchased for myself last year when I was going through a really difficult time. That one symbolizes independence and strength to me.

But this necklace? This represents hope to me. And today, I feel the flutters of hope as I count down to noon Eastern time. We’re nowhere close to healing this country, to righting the centuries-long history of injustice, racism, misogyny, and so many other hideous not-quite-so-hidden aspects of who we are.

But I like to think that we are one small step closer… that is what I believe, today.

It’s been almost two weeks since the insurrection attempt at the US Capitol. I haven’t written about it, shared all the thoughts that have been swirling in my brain for nearly two weeks now. I’ve been frozen, paralyzed and stuck between being terrified, horrified, disgusted, despairing, and wanting to believe that things have to get better.

I’ve been caught in the never-ending spiral of the news – anxiously monitoring the live updates for further threats to our democracy, further evidence that the psychopath in the White House will stop at nothing to take our country down with him.

And I feel a deep sense of shame that I’ve been unable to communicate just how I feel about what happened. Instead, I’ve found solace in others’ much more eloquent – and timely – denunciations of the riots and aftermath. I’ve stepped back in a way that I don’t often do, taken cover, in a way. I haven’t written much else here, because it feels disingenuous with all of this so front of mind for me.

So I just want to make clear that I am, indeed horrified, terrified, appalled, and unbelievably anxious at what happened and the equally hideous aftermath. That’s probably all I can – and will – share about this, at least until after Wednesday. I am keeping my eyes on 12:01 pm EST (11:01 am here in the Midwest) and desperately hoping that the inauguration actually occurs. Until it does, I will likely remain in my frozen and incoherent state.

I have found some comfort in poetry and other writings in the last few days… Of course, today, Martin Luther King, Jr’s eloquent writings are front of mind for many of us. The full text of Letter from a Birmingham Jail is on my TBR, but in the meantime, this excerpt spoke to me this morning:

“Like a boil that can never be cured as long as it is covered up but must be opened with all its pus-flowing ugliness to the natural medicines of air and light, injustice must likewise be exposed, with all of the tension its exposing create, to the light of human conscience and the air of national opinion before it can be cured.”

I want to do my part to expose injustice. I want to find my voice. Until then…

I feel like I should put an image of a construction sign here or something. No, I’m not referring to the blog, but referring to myself…

I like to think that I’ve made great strides with my personal development… with becoming the person I want to be in my professional and personal lives. But then, I have a setback of some sort – a setback, it must be noted, that really only exists in my mind – that reminds me that I am not there yet.

I am definitely a work in progress. I will always be one. I guess the question is, am I moving towards something better – a better version of me? – or am I moving in circles and not forward? Many times I feel like it’s the latter… I feel as though I’m making progress, and then the “setback” reminds me that I’m really only moving in circles.

This sounds really dramatic, I know, but it’s not related to a major life issue or change. It’s mostly related to the idea of cutting myself some slack and (to use an overused phrase these days…) “giving myself grace”.

I tend to be really hard on myself. I think a lot of us have this tendency. I have things I want to do, to achieve, and I tend to think that it’s all or nothing. That if I’m not always going 100% full speed ahead, then it’s not worth it. And yet… I also know that I need breaks to achieve what I am aiming for. Trust me, I hear it from enough people, I see it on enough inspirational Instagram feeds…

And yet… actually taking that break, giving myself some grace, seems to be something that I really struggle with. So while I think that I’ve made those great strides in my personal development, well, many times I’m reminded that I haven’t moved that far down the path yet. Hence the setbacks, and the feeling like I’m moving in circles.

But any movement forward – even in tiny increments – is something, right? And if I stop trying, I’ll certainly never get anywhere. So I’ll keep working on myself – on (sigh) giving myself that grace. I know that I’m not going to succeed anytime soon, but maybe I can make some incremental progress down that path. And eventually – I hope – I will get there.

This is a post idea I got from Steph at Life According to Steph… thinking through what I want to bring forward into 2021 and what I’d like to leave behind in 2020. Despite… well, despite everything, there are still things I’d like to continue, to maintain, and to grow more in the new year and beyond. And yet, as with every year, mistakes and missteps also punctuated the past 12 months…

Starting with the Leave Behind list, I think…

• My overall bleak outlook. This colored everything in grey, from my relationships to my job to life in general. It was a function of external factors (some of which are, obviously, shared with everyone else on earth this year), as well internal issues of my own.
• My focus on matching / keeping up with my coworkers who are at the same level I am. I am not them. I should not be doing the same things they are. I need to run my own race.
• Multitasking. Oh, man, this got really bad this year. Something I’ve realized in just the past few days is that when I focus on something (or a couple of things) during my workday, I get so much more done. When I have squirrel brain, I don’t make progress on anything. Focus.
• My dad’s health issues. Enough said.
• Challenges in my relationship. I hope.
• Disdain for science and for children’s health and well-being. This is a crossover between the personal and professional for me. I just…. can’t even, with people who distrust science, and who don’t want to invest in our most important resource. Sigh.
• Passive-aggressive colleagues. Actually, let’s aim high and go for passive-aggressiveness in general, mmkay?
• Oh, one more petty work thing. Endless in person meetings. We’ve been so much more focused and productive in our online meetings… I’d like to bring that forward and leave behind the old way of doing things. Not sure this will happen, but… I can hope, right?

Things to bring forward…

• My newfound ability to focus in on a project / item on my to do list and persevere. It makes all the difference in the world.
• My growing interest in self-compassion and personal growth. Continuing the process of figuring out – again – who I am at this point in my life.
• Related: My newfound love of poetry, of essays, of seeking out diverse perspectives from the wise ones in our world (those here now, and those from the past). There is so much wisdom in these writings, and so much I gain from immersing myself in them.
• My improved perspective on my health, working out, and food. I’m losing some of my rigidity, and that’s a good thing.
• Work for racial justice. Enough said.
• The renewed recognition of the urgency of the climate crisis.
• The focus on hygiene. For the love of Pete, people. How did you not know that you need to use soap every time you wash your hands? I am so grossed out by this, and I hope that people remember how to actually wash their hands.
• Related: skipping handshakes and pro forma hugs in professional gatherings.
• My renewed enthusiasm for my work and research.
• Family Zoom calls. I know, I know, we’re all sick of these. But I love getting a weekly update from my brother and parents, and remembering just how much we actually like each other, even though we’re related to each other. Ha.

So much of this is really related to personal growth, although obviously there are things with slightly broader implications (see: hand hygiene). Life, really, is a continuous process of learning, growth, and renewal. What a privilege to have that opportunity… Yet, a reminder that this won’t be easy… “The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

While there is definitely joy in life, and in the holidays, I am feeling a tinge blue, as well. It hit me last night how long it’s been since I was able to hug my parents – and how long it will be until I can do that again. I am so grateful they are still healthy, and safe, and doing what they can to avoid getting sick.

But goodness, sometimes you just need a hug.

The same thing happened around Thanksgiving – I was, of course, grateful that my family was safe, and that we’d made the decisions that were right for us. But as Thanksgiving dawned and it was so much like every other day, it hit me just how different things are. I know that’s been, well, 2020, but it is harder around special days – holidays, birthdays, milestones you wish you could celebrate together.

I’ll distract myself with some work today, as well as lots of reading. It’s rather frigid here today, so that lends itself well to a quiet day at home (with, perhaps, a short walk for some fresh air when it “warms up” later). I’ll connect with my parents via email and phone and there may be a spontaneous Zoom connection too. I know we’ll get through this. I know the hugs will come. I know that one day we will be able to celebrate – and appreciate – time with family, friends, and loved ones.

Those thoughts keep me afloat, and remind me that even with the tinge of blue shading my joy, there is still joy to be found. It just looks a bit different right now.