So, classes FINALLY started. It seems later and later each year, I swear. My new group seems to be quite motivated but, well, it’s only been one class so far. We’ll see how today goes. At least they all seem to have done the pre-work for class, which is heartening. My students are all moving forward at what seems to be warp speed – again, heartening. They are really starting to forge their own paths and it’s so much fun to watch.

And yet, I’m feeling kind of, well, blah. Part of it is probably the weather. As Engie and Kae have documented, we had a long cold snap with a lot of snow, but the last week has been bizarrely warm. And next week doesn’t seem to be any more winter-like. It is completely throwing me off. While I’m not super-fond of days with highs of, you know, 3F, I’m also not really down with 50 in Wisconsin in February. What is that all about? (I know, climate change, but it just seems like we’re seeing its effects more acutely each year…)

Adding to my blah-ness are the multiple days when the world does not line up the way I would like it to. When the plans I had just… don’t come to pass. And yet, I persist in trying to complete everything on my list in the way I had planned. Which (remember) isn’t lining up.

So, time for a mental reset. A reminder to myself that, despite the weather, despite my blahs, that this too shall pass. Or, as Nicole would say, there is a time after this. Here’s hoping it comes on the heels of some more seasonal temperatures, a bit of sunshine (please, send sun), and the lifting of the blahs.

Happy hump day, everyone. May the rest of the week treat you well. <3

I’ll leave with you with this thought for your day (and mine):

We can change, evolve, and trans­form our own conditioning. We can choose to move like water rather than be molded like clay. Life spirals in and then spirals out on any given day. It does not have to be one way, one truth, one voice. ~Terry Tempest Williams

And shockingly, the list doesn’t include cold. Although it certainly could.

I am sorry, as usual, for my longer-than-expected absence from this space. I’ve had less time than anticipated during this “break” for things that feed my soul. Oddly, it seems as though things may calm down a bit when classes (finally) start next week.

So, the four C’s. They’ve been ruling my life these last few weeks… may I introduce Chaos, Catastrophizing, Comparison, and (the desperate search for) Calm?

It was not the start to 2024 that wanted or expected, despite my post on Bright Spots a few weeks ago. Chaos intruded shortly after Christmas and has not let up in the three weeks (what the ever loving WHAT? how did THAT happen?) since then. Worse, it was the type of chaos that, as a junior person, I dread. The kind fomented by senior people who send messages requesting that I fix/update/change/modify/etc. something and oh, can I get it back to them in the next 2 days? Not a request that I can ignore, of course. So instead of having slower mornings, with reading and reflection, and thinking about how 2023 was ending and what I wanted my 2024 to be, well, I was on a deadline to get a lot of things done.

I did them, of course, but it wasn’t what I had expected, and it led to a more anxious week between the years (thank you, San, for that phrase) than I would have liked.

Coupled with the chaos was my usual tendency to catastrophize. Sigh. Why is my brain like this? Whenever I am fretting about something, I imagine the worst. Even small things, like receiving those requests from senior people, or an email suggesting that I’ve forgotten to do something, and my brain spirals to the worst possible outcome. I’ve been like this forever, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t drive me crazy. I do try to talk myself out of these spirals, but when it’s a particularly anxiety-provoking situation, that doesn’t work quite as well. And, of course, these episodes are usually related to things that I can’t talk about here.

Why am I sharing this? I don’t need sympathy or people telling me it’ll be okay. I guess I just want to know that I am not the only one whose 2024 may not have started off as anticipated. Or, at least to know that there are others who jump immediately to the worst case scenario. So if it’s been a bit rougher than you expected, these first few weeks of the new year, please know that I’m out here, and I get it.

I’m not going to write about comparison and seeking calm right now, but plan to come back to them (and my hopes for the rest of 2024) soon. I hope you are all well and warm, particularly if you are in the upper Midwest this week. Take care, my friends. I appreciate you coming here and reading.

I’ll leave you with this one – which was attributed as an “old Swedish proverb” in the newsletter in which I read it (one from the NYT). I’ll let Susanne weigh in on whether it actually is one, though. Why not go to the expert? 🙂

“Shared joy is double joy. Shared sorrow is half sorrow.”

It’s that in-between weekend, and for many of us, it marks the end of the “holiday” week at the end of the calendar year, and the start of the new year. I’m filled with some random thoughts today and thought I might as well get them out so they stop circling in my head…

I’ve had a headache for 3 days running now. I really dislike taking pain meds, but I’m starting to think this beast may force my hand. It’s like there is a clamp on my temples. Sigh. (Update: I caved and took 2 ibuprofen at 2 pm. Let’s hope it helps, at least a bit…)

Which begs the question of… why? I’m certainly not dehydrated. Sleep deprived? Likely. Stressed? Definite. I mentioned that it was a challenging semester, and the academic year is barely half over. I know it’s not going to improve much, either.

To help with the stress, I am going to start building in some actual breaks in my weeks. This includes the possibility of mini-road trips with Engie (YAY!) to some of the system campuses that I’ve never visited. (Most of which, handily enough, are in towns I haven’t visited, either!) I feel like we are channeling Birchie and her Rust Belt Tours^TM with this plan.

It has been gloriously quiet around the apartment complex, since most of the graduate students (about 50% or so of the residents) are on break and likely elsewhere. They’ll start trickling back in next week, but for now I am enjoying the blissful quiet. (That said, the Guy Who Drops The Weights [Argh] is back already. Sigh.)

I did a pick up at Target this morning. I got 2 pints of ice cream and lettuce. Perfectly balanced.

Is anyone else finding and loving Substack newsletters? Many of the people whose email newsletters I’ve been getting for years have been moving to them. I love the audio feature – it’s like the person who wrote it is reading it to me. 🙂

(Skip if you don’t want to think about politics…) Anyone else in the US have a creeping feeling of dread as we move into 2024? I’m probably over-immersed in political news (a chronic problem of mine) and, well, I’m not feeling so great about the state of things right now. It does not help living in a battleground state and dealing with state politics on top of everything else. Sigh.

Doing a complete 180 because I really don’t want to be thinking about politics right now… In Spring, I teach undergraduates, and I love it. It’s a change of pace – and energy! – from Fall. Every year, though, I realize anew that their internal thermostats are completely different from mine. I was reminded of this at Target this morning, where the person ahead of me on the escalator had a hoodie on, and I was in my winter coat, one of my heavier (and older – ca. 1999) sweatshirts, a long-sleeved shirt, a long-sleeved cuddle dud, and a tank top. I also had a hat and mittens on because it’s finally winter-ish here. Last year in class, I was wearing essentially the same thing, but swap the sweatshirt for a fleece, and drop the coat, and a student was wearing a short-sleeved crop top. I mean, what? Are we living in the same reality? Am I really that much colder than everyone else?

And on that note… I may step away from the computer and start the new-to-me Kate Morton book I opened (but then didn’t start) last night. Or, if that’s too mentally taxing, I might shift to a fluffy book. Whichever I choose, I need a break from this screen! Have a wonderful New Year’s Eve & Day. I hope the start of 2024 is peaceful and joyful in all of your worlds.

I hope that everyone who celebrates had a wonderful Christmas that was what you wanted it to be, whether that is a small, quiet celebration, or a large and noisy gathering. And, for those facing hard times (and there are so many, these days, who are), I hope that you were able to find some light and comfort these past few days.

Thinking of those hard times, I feel like I need to acknowledge that the world is very heavy right now, for many people. I try not to get too political on this blog, and I’m going to do my best to avoid that now. What I will say, though, is that my heart is hurting for so many, and that I am wishing for peace for the new year.

That said, the last week has had a few bright spots that have lifted my spirits in what can be a rather chaotic season (particularly when paired with a draconian semester schedule this year…). There were some interesting snafus in there, too, but each of the last 5 or so days has brought a smile to my face for various reasons.

There was the Wednesday lunch that I had with a work friend, preceded by a random 30 minute discussion with said friend and another colleague. These are 2 of my favorite people at work, but we rarely get to just catch up on (mostly) work-related things. This led into a takeout lunch from Jimmy John’s with one of them, where we caught up on life and things on our shared list of “work stuff”, and I was reminded of the joy of a sandwich. This is so goofy, but… I rarely order sandwiches. I don’t know why – I am just more of a “salad for lunch” person. Friends, that little sandwich was such a bright spot in my day.

The next day included a therapy session, during which I recounted some of the month’s bright spot, making that session a bright spot in its own right. 🙂

Friday, though, had a snafu followed almost immediately by one of the brightest spots of the week. I did a drive up order at Target shortly after they opened (the only way I can tolerate Target right before the holidays…), and the lovely Target person put the two bags in the trunk. I went home, had a relatively good day of work, and…realized at 5 pm that I had left the bags in the car all day. Including a container of cottage cheese. (Cue forehead slap.) So, yeah, that’s $3.50 down the drain. But then! I got a random text from my college roomie, checking my advice, which led to a 30-minute text exchange, an update on her kids, and an invitation to come visit them this summer. Which I am seriously considering. That alone would have been a bright spot sufficient to light the whole weekend. Never underestimate the power of reaching out on someone else’s day/life.

And Saturday brought lunch with an old friend in the area, during which I laughed as hard as I have laughed in, well, months. I needed that lunch, and that time. It just continued the bright into another day.

So yes, there are bits of brightness out there. I’m glad I’m finally recognizing them a bit more, and realizing just how much of a difference they make. And, how much I can do to make that happen. So, yes, I need to schedule the lunch. Respond to the text. Take advantage of random encounters that leave me with a smile for the entire afternoon. A good lesson to take into 2024.

I’ll just leave you with a Charlie Mackesy quote from Instagram (he wrote The boy, the mole, the fox, and the horse, which, if you are wondering, is one of the most heart-touching books I have read, although reviews, of course vary…):

“What are your favorite things?” “Cake and hope,” said the mole. “Hope is the whisper that tells us there’s a light, even in the darkest tunnels.”

I hope you can find a bit of light these days.

I (finally) posted on Instagram this morning, thanking Julie, who shares her world at Thinking about Things, for her lovely gift. She really did a lovely job. And while she did not know it, she sent me down a path of happy memories of a wonderful time in my life. So thank you, Julie.

I haven’t written about my past lives, or the places I have lived, yet. I’m old enough now that there are quite a few. But one of the absolute best was the year and a half I spent as a travel nurse on the West coast.

Keep in mind this was during the original tech boom in the early 2000s (remember, I’m old). I started off in northern California, working at Stanford’s children’s hospital. It was a lovely first assignment, with an apartment in Mountain View that I shared with another travel nurse (a very interesting one, too….). I was close enough to everything in the area that I was able to explore extensively on my weekends off.

I went to San Francisco multiple times, visited museums and historic houses (Filoli was a favorite), Tahoe (where I skied, one of the best experiences of my life), San Jose, and on and on. Yes, traffic was hideous, but it was a time when it felt like we were on the cusp of something wonderful with “the Internet”, and I was living in the heart of Silicon Valley. There was a sense of immense possibility in general, and in my life, as well.

I loved my time on the West coast. I often dream of moving back there, of recapturing at least a smidgen of my full embrace of life as an untethered early 20-something. But, of course, you can’t go back to how things were. Maybe someday I will be neighbors with San and Julie… and maybe not. For now, I’ll drink the Peet’s coffee in my Powell’s mug, and will end the day with a bit of chocolate (because every life needs chocolate, people), and think about how I can recapture some of that feeling in my life here.

A “self” is what we call an entity conscious of its own past and persistence: you are you, made up of your memories (you were you yesterday) and your expectations (you will be you tomorrow). ~Alan Burdick

Take care of yourselves in this busy time, my friends. I hope you are making new memories with those you love.