I don’t usually talk about my daily life here on this blog, but… well, maybe it’s time to turn over a new leaf / open a door / share a smidge? I just lead such a, well, boring and routine life. No kids. No dog. I live alone, separately from my spouse, most of the time. It’s weird, compared to a lot of other peoples’ lives, but it works for me, and for us, and so I continue on.

Let’s just say I’ve been a really bad sleeper in the last few years. I’m not sure whether it’s because I have autoimmune conditions, or because I’ve had some significant anxiety and other issues, like, well, lots of upheaval (moving, job stuff, things you really don’t want to know about…).

And I was coming here to brag this morning about how well I’ve been sleeping – weirdly -for the last 3 nights, and how unexpected and how lovely this development was, and how much energy I’ve had, and blah blah blah. 

And even though I slept really well last night, again, I just feel like garbage today.

It was an annoying morning at the gym – equipment not working correctly, TV connection was spotty, I felt like crap on my run.

It’s supposed to be rainy and cloudy all day.

I’m struggling with my grant writing.

I have to have a budget meeting for said grant this morning, and I really don’t wanna.

So instead of bragging, here I am,  um, whining? Gee, welcome! I’m so glad you’re here (as you sprint out of my blog space…).

Time for a shift in perspective, I guess. If I’m going to say in yesterday’s post about how well I’m doing with those, then it’s time to live up to that! My day can only get better from here. I’m hydrating (I think I might be dehydrated for some reason?). Reviewing the budget so I can be sure that I know what we want to keep and what to drop. Reminding myself to be ruthless in editing my grant.

I can do hard things. This stuff is not nearly as hard as what a lot of people deal with on a daily basis.

Time to suck it up. Time to start this day again.

I don’t have a quote today – I searched for a few on mindset but nothing really spoke to me.

Hm. This one is in my collection of quotes (my actual commonplace book!) and it actually reflects what I’ve been pondering:

“Each of us has a unique journey marked by experiences that shaped who we are.” -Bert + John Jacobs, Co-founders of Life is Good

“…life is not meant to be an unending series of blinding insights and staggering leaps forward. A lot of times it’s just huffing and puffing, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other up the mountain trying not to puke. Sometimes it’s a slip and a fall. Simply summoning the determination to keep going when you’d really rather not seems to be a lot of what life is.” Josh Radnor, in his most recent Museletter

I am grateful for the realization this week that sometimes, just persisting is a good idea. 

I don’t have to always be moving forward in leaps and bounds, in my personal life or my professional life. 

Not that I want to stagnate, but sometimes? resting in the now is a good choice. I’m grateful for this quote, above, and for others that I have come across this week that have reminded me of that. 

So for this weekend, I don’t anticipate any big leaps forward. And that’s okay. I’m slogging a bit right now on a grant application, but, well, sometimes the slogging is just as important (if not more so) than the bits of insight and the “flashes” that are few and far between. 

Slog on! (Huh, no emoji for that…;>)

“What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: our life is the creation of our mind.” Buddha

I have been thinking a lot about #6 on my “Lessons Learned” post from the other day – the one about just because you can hold a grudge (like a champ, I might add), don’t. 

I had a … falling out, let’s call it, with a lifelong friend several years ago. 

At the time, I perceived some of what she said and did as attacking me. Questioning my choices. Challenging me in ways that I did not want to be challenged. Add to that the fact that our lives had diverged substantially, and I felt we had so little in common that I let this episode be the catalyst for backing off. 

Way off. 

We used to speak weekly. I think I have spoken to her once, maybe twice, in the last year. 

This was someone with whom I grew up, shared all the trials and tribulations and joys of childhood and adolescence and college. Yes, we had – and have – very different lives, but we were always able to at least talk, and be curious about what the other was doing. 

Over the last year, though, it’s become more and more apparent to me that what I was doing was not loving. It was not kind. It was not building the life – the future – that I wanted. This is one small piece of my future, but… if my overall goal in life is to put more good into the Universe than bad, how was this contributing to that? 

Short answer? it wasn’t. 

So I (eventually) reached out. Wrote a card. Put myself out there a bit – while still acknowledging that we might never get back to what we were. But letting her know that I missed my friend. That I wanted to be back in touch, and that I wanted to see what kind of connection we could establish now that we are (sigh) approaching middle age. 

She emailed me – a long email – last night. I haven’t yet read it. I don’t know where we go from here. But I do know that this is one small stone in the path that I am building towards the future. It feels so much better than the grudge I was hanging on to for far too long. 

“…life is one continuous mistake.” Zen Dogen

And, there is freedom in imperfection.

Something I struggle with every. single. day. is my persistent perfectionism.

If I can’t do it right, why would I do it at all?

And yet, somehow, the job, the profession, the calling that most suits me is one in which failure occurs more than success.

I’m going to fail a lot more in this life than I’m going to succeed.

But I persist. I keep on. I know that what I study is valuable – it’s unique – and it’s important. The key is finding the words, the images, the arguments, really, to help others see that (and then give me money to help me do what I want to contribute…ha).

I’m really, really good at reminding others they don’t need to be perfect. And that mistakes are a part of life.

I need to be a bit better at it myself. I like to think that slowly, every day, I’m getting a bit closer.

And now off to (another) drippy day in a long string of them. But… at least it’s not snow?