“…life is not meant to be an unending series of blinding insights and staggering leaps forward. A lot of times it’s just huffing and puffing, one-foot-in-front-of-the-other up the mountain trying not to puke. Sometimes it’s a slip and a fall. Simply summoning the determination to keep going when you’d really rather not seems to be a lot of what life is.” Josh Radnor, in his most recent Museletter

I am grateful for the realization this week that sometimes, just persisting is a good idea. 

I don’t have to always be moving forward in leaps and bounds, in my personal life or my professional life. 

Not that I want to stagnate, but sometimes? resting in the now is a good choice. I’m grateful for this quote, above, and for others that I have come across this week that have reminded me of that. 

So for this weekend, I don’t anticipate any big leaps forward. And that’s okay. I’m slogging a bit right now on a grant application, but, well, sometimes the slogging is just as important (if not more so) than the bits of insight and the “flashes” that are few and far between. 

Slog on! (Huh, no emoji for that…;>)

“What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: our life is the creation of our mind.” Buddha

I have been thinking a lot about #6 on my “Lessons Learned” post from the other day – the one about just because you can hold a grudge (like a champ, I might add), don’t. 

I had a … falling out, let’s call it, with a lifelong friend several years ago. 

At the time, I perceived some of what she said and did as attacking me. Questioning my choices. Challenging me in ways that I did not want to be challenged. Add to that the fact that our lives had diverged substantially, and I felt we had so little in common that I let this episode be the catalyst for backing off. 

Way off. 

We used to speak weekly. I think I have spoken to her once, maybe twice, in the last year. 

This was someone with whom I grew up, shared all the trials and tribulations and joys of childhood and adolescence and college. Yes, we had – and have – very different lives, but we were always able to at least talk, and be curious about what the other was doing. 

Over the last year, though, it’s become more and more apparent to me that what I was doing was not loving. It was not kind. It was not building the life – the future – that I wanted. This is one small piece of my future, but… if my overall goal in life is to put more good into the Universe than bad, how was this contributing to that? 

Short answer? it wasn’t. 

So I (eventually) reached out. Wrote a card. Put myself out there a bit – while still acknowledging that we might never get back to what we were. But letting her know that I missed my friend. That I wanted to be back in touch, and that I wanted to see what kind of connection we could establish now that we are (sigh) approaching middle age. 

She emailed me – a long email – last night. I haven’t yet read it. I don’t know where we go from here. But I do know that this is one small stone in the path that I am building towards the future. It feels so much better than the grudge I was hanging on to for far too long. 

“…life is one continuous mistake.” Zen Dogen

And, there is freedom in imperfection.

Something I struggle with every. single. day. is my persistent perfectionism.

If I can’t do it right, why would I do it at all?

And yet, somehow, the job, the profession, the calling that most suits me is one in which failure occurs more than success.

I’m going to fail a lot more in this life than I’m going to succeed.

But I persist. I keep on. I know that what I study is valuable – it’s unique – and it’s important. The key is finding the words, the images, the arguments, really, to help others see that (and then give me money to help me do what I want to contribute…ha).

I’m really, really good at reminding others they don’t need to be perfect. And that mistakes are a part of life.

I need to be a bit better at it myself. I like to think that slowly, every day, I’m getting a bit closer.

And now off to (another) drippy day in a long string of them. But… at least it’s not snow? 

Never stop learning, because life never stops teaching… (the Buddha, apparently)

I was reflecting this weekend on things that I have (finally) learned in my nearly 44 years on this planet.

Wow, I feel old.

But sometimes (okay, for me, many many times) it takes many missteps and mistakes and errors to finally figure out what is often relatively obvious. Sometimes, it’s remembering something I used to know…but conveniently forgot. Sometimes, it’s learning that one way doesn’t necessarily work, so maybe it’s time for a change.

Anyway, here are a few things I’ve learned…

1. If it hurts, don’t do it. Just. Stop.
2. Relaxing once in a while won’t kill you.
3. Eat the damn cheese.
4. Tweezing your lip hurts. A lot. (and is not necessarily something your mother will warn you that you will probably need to do at some point in your life)
5. The life you have in hindsight is probably not going to be the life you imagined. That’s okay. It might even be better than what you imagined.
6. Just because you can hold a grudge like a champion, do you really want to?
7. I can do hard things.
8. Sometimes, where you are is almost as important as what you are doing in terms of your happiness.
9. Your life – your relationships – your job – are not going to make sense to everyone. This is more than okay. Live the life you need to live.
10. Not all relationships and friendships will be lifelong. This is also okay.
11. Wherever you end up, find your people.
12. Who you are is who you always were. Remember what made you happy as a child… and find a way to bring that into adulthood. Trust me, it will make you a much happier adult.
13. There is nothing like finishing the day with a hot cup of tea, a piece of chocolate, and a good book.
14. Relationships change. They evolve. When you think about all the ways you’ve changed over time, this makes perfect sense.

Obviously (well, hopefully) it’s not an exhaustive list. I don’t feel like a very wise person, but life is a good teacher. Constantly learning, constantly growing.