“What we are today comes from our thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: our life is the creation of our mind.” Buddha

I have been thinking a lot about #6 on my “Lessons Learned” post from the other day – the one about just because you can hold a grudge (like a champ, I might add), don’t. 

I had a … falling out, let’s call it, with a lifelong friend several years ago. 

At the time, I perceived some of what she said and did as attacking me. Questioning my choices. Challenging me in ways that I did not want to be challenged. Add to that the fact that our lives had diverged substantially, and I felt we had so little in common that I let this episode be the catalyst for backing off. 

Way off. 

We used to speak weekly. I think I have spoken to her once, maybe twice, in the last year. 

This was someone with whom I grew up, shared all the trials and tribulations and joys of childhood and adolescence and college. Yes, we had – and have – very different lives, but we were always able to at least talk, and be curious about what the other was doing. 

Over the last year, though, it’s become more and more apparent to me that what I was doing was not loving. It was not kind. It was not building the life – the future – that I wanted. This is one small piece of my future, but… if my overall goal in life is to put more good into the Universe than bad, how was this contributing to that? 

Short answer? it wasn’t. 

So I (eventually) reached out. Wrote a card. Put myself out there a bit – while still acknowledging that we might never get back to what we were. But letting her know that I missed my friend. That I wanted to be back in touch, and that I wanted to see what kind of connection we could establish now that we are (sigh) approaching middle age. 

She emailed me – a long email – last night. I haven’t yet read it. I don’t know where we go from here. But I do know that this is one small stone in the path that I am building towards the future. It feels so much better than the grudge I was hanging on to for far too long. 

“…life is one continuous mistake.” Zen Dogen

And, there is freedom in imperfection.

Something I struggle with every. single. day. is my persistent perfectionism.

If I can’t do it right, why would I do it at all?

And yet, somehow, the job, the profession, the calling that most suits me is one in which failure occurs more than success.

I’m going to fail a lot more in this life than I’m going to succeed.

But I persist. I keep on. I know that what I study is valuable – it’s unique – and it’s important. The key is finding the words, the images, the arguments, really, to help others see that (and then give me money to help me do what I want to contribute…ha).

I’m really, really good at reminding others they don’t need to be perfect. And that mistakes are a part of life.

I need to be a bit better at it myself. I like to think that slowly, every day, I’m getting a bit closer.

And now off to (another) drippy day in a long string of them. But… at least it’s not snow? 

Never stop learning, because life never stops teaching… (the Buddha, apparently)

I was reflecting this weekend on things that I have (finally) learned in my nearly 44 years on this planet.

Wow, I feel old.

But sometimes (okay, for me, many many times) it takes many missteps and mistakes and errors to finally figure out what is often relatively obvious. Sometimes, it’s remembering something I used to know…but conveniently forgot. Sometimes, it’s learning that one way doesn’t necessarily work, so maybe it’s time for a change.

Anyway, here are a few things I’ve learned…

1. If it hurts, don’t do it. Just. Stop.
2. Relaxing once in a while won’t kill you.
3. Eat the damn cheese.
4. Tweezing your lip hurts. A lot. (and is not necessarily something your mother will warn you that you will probably need to do at some point in your life)
5. The life you have in hindsight is probably not going to be the life you imagined. That’s okay. It might even be better than what you imagined.
6. Just because you can hold a grudge like a champion, do you really want to?
7. I can do hard things.
8. Sometimes, where you are is almost as important as what you are doing in terms of your happiness.
9. Your life – your relationships – your job – are not going to make sense to everyone. This is more than okay. Live the life you need to live.
10. Not all relationships and friendships will be lifelong. This is also okay.
11. Wherever you end up, find your people.
12. Who you are is who you always were. Remember what made you happy as a child… and find a way to bring that into adulthood. Trust me, it will make you a much happier adult.
13. There is nothing like finishing the day with a hot cup of tea, a piece of chocolate, and a good book.
14. Relationships change. They evolve. When you think about all the ways you’ve changed over time, this makes perfect sense.

Obviously (well, hopefully) it’s not an exhaustive list. I don’t feel like a very wise person, but life is a good teacher. Constantly learning, constantly growing.

I think that was in A Wrinkle in Time? but maybe not…The Google isn’t coming up with it. Regardless, I’m in a mood this morning. We had wonderful thunderstorms last night. But this morning, it’s windy and chilly and cloudy. And I’m grumpy.

And it occurred to me, for all of my griping and angst and worry about last Thursday-Friday-Saturday, and getting out of my routine, and doing things that I don’t typically do… it was three wonderful days with my people.

People who speak my language.
People who get me.
People with whom I don’t have to explain everything.

Even better, it was my work people and my family. So I had three wonderful days where I felt like I belonged.

Then yesterday, in a fit of unproductivity (apparently that is not a word, but go with me here…) I completely lost all the good feelings that I had built up.

It was time I didn’t know I needed.
A break I didn’t know I needed.

Time to reset. Sigh. I did cancel my 9 am off-campus meeting, so that will help. I need to get to it today. Break out of the rut. Get, ahem, stuff done. (Not exactly what I wanted to say…) I don’t need to hit it out of the park today, but I need to at least get a hit.