Current state

Posted on by Anne 22 Comments

I hate posting things that are not positive, particularly in this space between the years, but this is where I am right now, and this is one of the few places (virtual and real life) where I can be fully me.

I’m not going to lie – 2024 for me was like being on an endless roller coaster that sped up over the course of the year. A conglomeration of challenges made just getting through seem like a victory. And here I am. So, what is my current state? I think it’s best summed up by Adam Grant’s article on languishing.

The term has been applied primarily to the COVID-19 pandemic, but for me, it describes this season of my life. I just feel…blah. Like I’m getting through the days, often without any particular highs or lows, but just surviving. For me, it seems to be the result of having a lot added to my list without much (if anything) being removed.

At the start of the year, I got tenure (well, I made it over the last “big hurdle”, and the remaining mini-hurdles were mostly pro forma). Which, of course, was amazing. This was an achievement I had hoped to attain in my life as an academic.

Then I found out the reality, which was that tenure = more responsibilities because yay, you’re a senior faculty member now! More committees, students, mentees… and the list goes on. I also added things to my own list, mostly because I dislike turning down requests and/or pleas from fellow faculty members. And it doesn’t help that I dealt with multiple health challenges that persisted throughout the year and will continue into 2025. I also – much to my chagrin – wasn’t able to keep up with blog reading and commenting, which seemed necessary but in hindsight just made me feel more distant from a community that I love and value and want to be engaged with. Spring semester will be even more challenging. My health issues have not resolved, I’ve had classes added to my schedule, and there will be more (there is always more, it seems).

Which begs the question: Now what? This will be a separate (hopefully more positive) post, but I am actively seeking to change my mindset, shift my focus, and think about what matters to me. If this sounds familiar, it’s because I’ve been posting about this since I started this blog. This time, though, seems different. I certainly hope so.

I considered turning off comments on this post, but decided to leave them open. Please know that I am okay, I just need to figure out how to get through and past this stage in my life. Having you all in my life will help me do that. <3

I’m going to leave you with an unusual quote (for me):

When I was young, I believed that life might unfold in an orderly way, according to my hopes and expectations. But now I understand that the Way winds like a river, always changing, ever onward.. My journeys revealed that the Way itself creates the warrior; that every path leads to peace, every choice to wisdom. And that life has always been, and will always be, arising in Mystery. ~Socrates

Choosing a path

Posted on by Anne 26 Comments

I’m working on the vacation recap, promise. It was a wonderful trip and it’s taking a bit of time to write up. So in the meantime, I’m sharing something that I thought about during my trip. This trip gave me long stretches of time to just…think. To let my mind wander – not think about work, or my to-do list, or anything like that. Just think.

I started thinking about the path my life has taken, really thinking about it. Have you done this? Have you looked back at your path, at the choices you made, and wondered, “What if…?” What if I hadn’t become a nurse? What if I hadn’t gotten married? Or divorced? What if I had never left my previous job?

I usually frame these choices as “choices that I regret”, the implication being that the choice I didn’t make would have been a better one than the one I did make. I say this despite knowing that I love the life I have. This life is a good one. So why regret the choices I made based on what was best for my life at the time? And what about paths that are chosen for us? By a partner’s job. By an unexpected loss. By forces outside our control? The company goes out of business. You get fired. Your rent goes up 100%. Choices that aren’t really choices.

Yet I tend to think that my life path has been the result of the choices I have made. That I’ve had complete agency over that path and where I am now.

The reason this is coming up again, a few weeks after my trip, is that I’m listening to The Midnight Library. I’ll be honest – I almost DNF’d at 5%. I was overwhelmed by the first few chapters. I remembered several of you read it and there were mixed reviews. So I persevered. I am glad I did – it’s the right book at the right time for me. The theme of paths and choices and lives really aligns with what I pondered on my trip. Vacations – if they are good ones, of course – are often a snapshot of an ideal life. But then you come back to real life, and the memories fade, and the joy becomes a memory.

But what if I could shift the path that I am on – the one involving work, and responsibilities, and everything else, to be more like the path that fills me up in my short breaks? It may not lead to another life. But it may lead to a better one. Something to think about…

Several quotes about this came to my attention recently, from a motley bunch of authors…

“It’s about centering on your intention, not conforming to others’ expectations. In the end, the world doesn’t need you to regurgitate someone else’s story. It needs your own epic tale, with all its unique quirks and insights. It’s not just about choosing the path less traveled. It’s about choosing your path. And that makes all the difference.” ~ Ozan Varol

“Life meanders like a path through the woods. We have seasons when we flourish and seasons when the leaves fall from us, revealing our bare bones. Given time, they grow again.” ~Katherine May, Wintering

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” ~Ursula K. LeGuin

This post feels a bit unfinished. I feel like I should have some big conclusion, some big Life Lesson. But maybe the ambiguity is kind of the point. My life (thank goodness) is moving forward. If I really believe that I have agency over where it goes from here, what I do I do with that? What choices do I make to shift my life to one that fills me up, that brings me joy, that leads me where I want to go? (I have to think that connecting with all of you is one big choice I’ve made recently that has made my life so much brighter, so thank you for that. <3)

What about you? Do you think about your life path? About the other paths that could have been?