Friendship, love, and vulnerability

Few  things  are ever  completely worked  out  among  friends  except patience  and  a slightly deaf ear.     J.  J.

I finally, finally reached out to my old friend. The one I had cut off because of some words that were said, and that could not be taken back, years ago.

I sent a written card. Messy (because honestly, no one can read my writing, no matter how neat I think it looks!) but also allowing me a bit of a panic delay. Over the weekend, all I could think was that I had overstepped, assumed too much, believed that she wanted to have some kind of relationship emerge from the ashes of our old friendship. I dithered and debated about sending an email, saying that if that was the case, to please ignore it and I’d wait to hear from her.

(I didn’t send the email…but I was tempted…)

She texted yesterday, thanking me for the card, saying she would write back, and hoping things are going well for me.

It’s never going to be what it was, but maybe it can be something new.

Being vulnerable sucks. I really stink at it, to be honest.

In friendships, in (some) work relationships, and even in my marriage.

I freak out, step back, and close myself off. I wonder why everyone doesn’t do this. Why I fear this openness, this vulnerability.

It’s not like I had a horrible childhood – far from it!
I had a wonderful childhood with loving parents.
And yet. I fear opening myself up to others. I worry that they will see me for the fraud that I often think I am.

I am working on it. I am trying to trust more. I am trying to be more open, more flexible, more willing to share with those I love.

But good grief, it’s hard. And tiring! And I don’t know whether I’m doing well at it, or if I completely suck. 🙂 I guess I’ll find out – and trying is better than not, right? I’ve always preferred writing my thoughts out – journals, this blog now, even random scraps of paper. Speaking those truths, those thoughts, is… um… challenging to say the least.

I think – I hope? – I am a work in progress.

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