Walking to the top

Before you dream about the view from the summit, ask yourself if you’re willing to keep your head down, focus on the path, and spend your life walking up the side of a very big hill.
It takes years of walking to earn a minute at the top.
~ James Clear

This quote helped me reflect on my current work life, and my frustration with my inability to get funding for my research. Something about the argument I am making in my grant proposals is not resonating with the people who review them – and those who then make the funding decisions. 
I know that it’s a process. 
I know there will be hurdles along the way. 
But my goodness, sometimes I see the ways in which I have inadvertently sabotaged myself, and I want to time-travel back to that version of me, and talk some sense into her! 
I cleaned out my office over the weekend, which was a wonderful accomplishment. I hadn’t managed to do so over break, as things were more chaotic than anticipated. But I shredded an entire file box of papers, recycled many more, and returned many, many office supplies to the shared cabinet. 
Those files I shredded? From a study I got money for, conducted, and then ultimately only got two publications out of. I could have done SO MUCH MORE if I had simply put my head down, focused on the path, and walked up the side of that very big hill. 
Instead? I became overwhelmed, and paralyzed, and had to spend more time than I anticipated working on my teaching. 
I also spent more time than I should have driving 3 hours one-way most weekends, as I was working in a town where we did not, technically, live (although I was there more than I was “home” most months…). 
I know that I should give that version of me grace, and that there were many, many other things going on. But my goodness. I also wish that I could have done it differently… 
Which I think is what’s fueling my determination to do better this time. I got a second chance, in a new place, with new people, and (if you ask me) better ideas. Now I just have to put in the work to make it happen, however I can. 

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