Walls

I hit a wall on Thursday.
I was just done.
Done with work, done with having to wear a mask to the grocery store and Target.
Done with people who were ignoring all of the safety precautions.
Done with the stores being out of what I want and like to buy.
I was done.
It was a rather whiny (and unproductive) day, perhaps not surprisingly.

I’ve done pretty well so far, with the self-isolation and safer at home rules. But I think we all have our limits, and apparently mine was reached on Thursday.

I whined a bit, complained a bit more, and finally got over myself.

It wasn’t fun, but I made it through. And then Friday was a huge mess for different reasons.

Sigh.

I took the weekend – a gloomy, rainy one – to reset. I actually did not do any substantive work on Sunday, a break that was much needed. I cleaned out file drawer #3 of 4, which was so satisfying (although WHY did we put our SSNs on literally EVERYTHING back in the day? Good grief, the pile of shredding I have…). I zoomed with my family. I read. I just… well, I kind of blobbed out, as my mother would say. And it was lovely.

Which reminded me that, well, we all have days like last Thursday (and Friday). Or weeks like that. And that’s okay. If every day was sunshine, rainbows and bunnies, then I think the good days would kind of lose their meaning.

Josh Radnor, in his most recent Museletter, wrote about the flow of reality… that we are borne along by the flow of reality, and any sense that we had – or have – control is just an illusion. It really resonated with me, the ultimate control freak. This time is reminding me that I am not in control of what happens, but I am in control of how I respond to it. Sometimes that’s whining (hopefully not that often…) and sometimes it’s disconnecting for a day. But the best days are the days when I at least TRY to respond in a positive way. To remind myself that no, I’m not in control, that the days are different from how they were before, but there are still good ones.

I don’t think there’s a tidy end to this, but… I hope you have a good day, or as good of a day as you can in whatever your current circumstances. I hope to continue my one-day streak over here…:)

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