Heartsick

I am heartsick, heartbroken, anguished, angry, devastated, scared… so many emotions, for so many reasons, that it feels as though my spirit is sinking beneath the weight of… everything.

A man murdered in the street for the color of his skin.
A “leader” (I cannot figure out how to refer to our non-President in any other way…) who stokes anger and division.
Elected officials who refuse to listen.
The anguished, angry, cries of people who have endured too much for too long… people who have led lives that I will never, ever be able to understand.
I don’t share their experiences.
I don’t know what their lives are like.
I know only my privileged, white, hetero existence in a world that accepts me as I am but refuses to do the same for them.
I know I need to learn. I know I’m probably saying the wrong things.
But I want to know more. I want to be better.
I need to know more. I need to be better.

The hardest part? Not having anyone to share this process with.
I can’t talk to my parents about it- it might as well not be happening.
I can’t talk to my spouse about it – he’s not in the same place as I am, a place of learning and openness. He rests in his privilege, and makes statements that I fully disagree with, that make me realize I cannot share openly with him.
I can’t talk to my friends about it – as many of them do not share my views.

So I’ll start this journey on my own. Perhaps I’ll find others on similar journeys along the way. But it needs to happen.

“Stay angry, little Meg,” Mrs Whatsit whispered. “You will need all your anger now.”

~Madeleine L’Engle, A Wrinkle in Time

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