The order of things

Alternative title: Priorities. Are mine in the right order?

It’s been A Month, friends. I knew November was going to kick my rear and it truly has. I think it was the travel out of state, combined with several things at work finally moving forward (and therefore requiring my involvement/participation/presence), that sent me over the edge. I have finally managed to feel like I have a grasp on my time, and my to do list, now. Which, of course, means that we’re heading into the end of the semester and things are going to get bonkers again.

I haven’t been writing (as in, writing in longhand) in my paper journal recently. But I have been doing nightly mini-journaling in the Reflection app. I’ve mentioned this before – it seems similar to the Day One app other bloggers have said they use. It sends reminders to write something about each day, and provides options for tagging (e.g., highlight vs. lowlight), as well as prompts if your mind goes blank.

The other evening, I actually followed the prompt , even though I usually do not. Here’s the prompt:

Busy is a decision … you don’t find the time to do things — you make the time to do things. – Debbie Millman

If you’ve been reading here any length of time, you are right if you suspect that hit me hard. Here is part of my response:

Oh, but I am awful at not being busy. I find things to do. Always. Even when I am sick or injured. Rest just seems anathema to me. I know I should rest more but it’s so hard when you feel time crunched and like you’re never going to get to the finish line.
But is there one? I mean, I could keep going forever and the finish line will just keep receding into the distance.

It was that last sentence that really hit home for me after I wrote it. I know I’ve blathered on about this endlessly here, but for some reason, the word priorities really brought it home. Hopefully once and for all. Because it’s absolutely true. I will honestly never cross the finish line – there will always be another goal to achieve, another grant to write, another study to (try to) conduct. What does it say about me that I prioritize work over taking the time to do the things that bring me joy, outside of work?

My priorities are all wrong. I’ve prioritized work for years now. I haven’t prioritized my relationships (which are important to me, but how would anyone know that, looking at how I spend my time?). I haven’t prioritized making sure that what I am doing in any given moment is what’s best for me in that moment.

Turning, as always, for wisdom and insight from others, I found a few mini-gems in saved essays and quotes:

The Western collective consciousness teaches us that when we get to the end of something, then we will be happy, whole, complete, and successful. When we graduate from high school or college, when we get married, when we have kids, when we get the dream job, then life will really be rolling. We’re constantly chasing a carrot on a stick that’s always just out of reach. When we reach the milestone that we thought was our golden key to happiness, the feeling of satisfaction is fleeting. So we think, “Okay, well I did that, and it didn’t quite bring me the happiness I was thinking it would, so maybe it was just a stepping stone. Maybe when xyz happens, that will make me happy. That will be the real win.” This elusive state of contentment is always around the next corner. We’re racing toward something that will never give us what we’re hoping for. The only way to truly win this race of life is to realize there is no race.” ~Polly Green (via TinyBuddha)

“First, know your priorities. Every time you say “yes” to more work you’re saying “no” to the other aspects of your life that you value. By taking inventory of your list of priorities, and where work lies on that list, you can make decisions that will help you live a more fulfilling life. Second, address the underlying issues. Oftentimes we work to avoid thinking about our insecurities or shortcomings. Or, we think we need to have more money in order to be loved. I’ve been guilty of both of these.” ~Mike Fishbein (also via TinyBuddha)

So, more ideas and questions for me to consider… Why do I think working all the time will make me happy, or will fulfill me? What insecurities do I have that I may be trying not to think about? (Haaa…there are so, so many…) What are my shortcomings? And, perhaps most important, what are my values? What is important to me? Are actions or activities that are important among my priorities? If not (and, spoiler alert, I suspect most will fall into the “not” category…), why not? And how can I change that?

Guess it’s time to pick up that journal again… Thanks, as always, for listening to me ramble on and on, friends. Working through all these cognitive, emotional, and psychological knots is not easy, and knowing you are out there (even if you just read the first paragraph, rolled your eyes, and said, “Again???”) helps a lot.

Happy Thanksgiving to those of you in the US. I’ll be celebrating with my ex-spouse and his family. This is 2022. 😉

18 thoughts on “The order of things

  1. Congrats on making it through November!!!

    It’s a struggle. On the one hand yes I have goals and yes I always want to have plenty in the bank account. On the other hand, there’s a limit to what I need to achieve professionally and financially. The one thing that I’m very careful about is to not work too long and to take breaks during the day. I can put in a couple of long days for special projects, but after that it really tanks my quality of life.

    We’ll be sending a few guys that I know to college in the next few years, so right now it makes sense to focus on work and keep the income on the high side. After that, work is going to have less of a priority, and the big question is what our focus will be then.

    1. Your approach sounds really sensible, in my opinion. I know that you will be sending the kiddos off to college, and so maximizing work now makes a ton of sense. But then what? I love that you have found a love for day tripping – and eagerly look forward to those posts. Adventure by proxy? But there is no reason I could not do the same – save for the fact that I am a true homebody and get a bit anxious away from my (rental) abode. But what about an afternoon trip? Surely I could work something like that in. I think you hit on it, though – I need to figure out what the alternative is, so that I’m not just “working less”, I’m doing more of *something* else.

  2. I definitely did NOT roll my eyes because this sort of thing is exactly what I spend a lot of my time thinking about.
    Learning the truth in all those quotes you list is a lifelong journey; some people tend toward this life approach naturally and others – like you and me, I think – need more prodding and reminding.
    To be clear: I don’t think there is any “right” way. It’s okay to be busy and have a full schedule, if we’re pursuing things that move us in a direction we want to go. For example, I did not enjoy the early stages of motherhood at all. It felt like a time suck, it was hard to get any sense of productivity out of what I did. But it was a necessary step to get to my ultimate goal – raising independent thinkers who can go out into the world and do (hopefully!) great things that bring them joy.

    I really enjoyed Four Thousand Weeks (I think you read this one, too)? It was a great perspective on how we all, at some point, have to admit we simply can’t do everything on our to-do list.

    Another great take on this is Laura Vanderkam who distinguished between: “I don’t have to time to do X” and “X is not a priority.” I’ve been saying that A LOT lately. For example, one of my big regrets in life is not continuing on with piano lessons. I said early on I wanted to quit and my parents let me.

    I debated making it a goal in 2023 to learn this particular arrangement on the piano. I planned to get lessons from a really highly respected piano teacher in our area. And then I thought: while I technically WOULD have the time to make this all fit, it’s really not a priority for me right now. Maybe someday. But this year, no?

    I hope you feel like you can move toward a position of balance between work/life, my friend <3

    1. Somehow I knew you would know exactly what I am talking about, Elisabeth. I so appreciate knowing that I am not the only person who struggles with this over and over and over again. And absolutely, yes – the key is where are we going, and do we want to be heading in that direction. Your example is perfect.
      I have not yet read Four Thousand Weeks, but I own it. And, as part of my attempt to step away from the news… my goal is to read more non-fiction on my phone during the day, when I am tempted to look at the news. So, I am hoping to tackle that – and then Tribe of Mentors – soon.
      I have never read or followed Laura Vanderkam but now I am thinking I might need to check her out. I know you, and SHU, and I think…Kae? Have referenced her work in the past. That statement – distinguishing between available time and something being a priority – is so, so true. So true.
      Balancing a bit today – spending Thanksgiving with my ex and his mom. Yes, I really need to do a post on what life is like one year later. We may not be typical but it works for us. 🙂
      Thank you for being here, and (as always) for making me think, and just understanding me. <3

  3. I think that I am truly happiest when I’m not thinking about what comes next. I was always a pretty forward thinker, and then the pandemic happened, and I couldn’t count on what would happen the next week, let alone the next year. It’s been a shift for sure.

    1. OK, that is super interesting. Because, for me, the pandemic had the effect of making me want to work more more more more, because I was terrified that the University was going to start cutting (newer) faculty. And I was – and still am – pretty dang low in the hierarchy. So, do you think you’re living more in the moment, now? It seems like it, from your posts, but since I took a ridiculously long time to subscribe to your blog (something I truly regret, because I love your writing…), I don’t know whether/how that has changed over time. I desperately need to find a “something else” that I value enough to prioritize. Not saying that work *can’t* be a priority, but it can’t be the only one.

  4. My fitness instructor talks about this all the time. You’re prioritizing exercise over napping or prioritizing drinking water over soda. It’s an interesting philosophical distinction, I think. I mean, sometimes we’re busy doing paid work and we need to prioritize paid work to be able to eat and have shelter and that’s just what we have to do as human beings!

    1. So much truth here – and my prioritizing work, as I mentioned to Nicole, REALLY started during COVID, when I was terrified of being let go. So, i had a purpose then… but now, it’s become this whole other thing that really seems to, well, dictate my life. That’s the part I don’t like. Does your instructor talk about balance? I’d love to hear more about how people truly balance the need-to-dos and the want-to-dos.

  5. I think we all get sucked into that work stuff because our societies see it as a priority. A thing we define. If someone has no work they seem a looser. If someone leaves work the minute the work day is over its is deemed as not being a team player… an so on. I think – maybe also historical – it is how we saw life. But with more freedom we see other options. Not everyone adopting them. Sometimes it needs a catalyst.
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

    1. It’s interesting how companies are now trying to claw back what they had pre-COVID, and make people come back to the office. The main motivation seems to be keeping tabs on whether rear ends are in seats, not whether people are being productive. So that’s the message that many people are hearing – be here more, work more, it doesn’t matter if you do more in less time at home, etc. But…To me, it’s becoming evident that it’s more important to have a life vs. working all the time. I just need to find avenues to help me live that life!

  6. Interesting read! “Every time you say yes to more work, you say no to other aspects of your life” is really spot on and yes, everything is about what you prioritise in life. I strongly believe in decluttering life, to leave only what is necessary (what gives you an income, in the context of work) and what really enriches your life.
    However, as someone who has suffered from burnout, I highly disagree with “busy is a decision”. There are too many ifs and buts and “depends on”. In my former job as a nurse, yes, I could choose to make time to finish my work, but that could mean I couldn’t have lunch or get to my bus home in time. I had to choose between doing a good job for my patients or finishing on time. And with my recent studies, the choice was between getting enough sleep and rest, or to risk to not get my cert. To me in these contexts, there isn’t a real decision to make because one of the options is not a real option. In the context of my nursing job, the only way to decide not to be busy was to quit my job (which was what I did in the end, actually). And with the studies, the only way to choose not to be busy was to not do the studies, and be less prepared to create a new career because of that. It’s always up to the circumstances in my opinion, and it depends on whether it’s short term or long term. Short term busy (like with studies) is acceptable, the other isn’t if you want to live a good and healthy life. Conditions in the workplace will decide for you if you’re busy or not! And this is why I’ve decided to freelance… but it feels sad that this is the only way to have a healthy work environment.
    Apparently a good prompt with all these thoughts it triggered!

    1. Oh, this is interesting, Susanne. I think I think about the “busy is a choice differently”. I wasn’t thinking of the need-to-do’s, the non-negotiable parts of a job or class that one must do. Instead, I was thinking of how I find ways to add what *I* categorize as need-to-do’s even though they’re really not. So, for example, taking on extra (non-required) work that fills up my time but doesn’t fill me up. Or, finding more to do in terms of chores/cleaning/life maintenance vs. more relaxing, entertaining options.
      I absolutely agree with you that sometimes it is not a choice – one must be busy for a period of time to complete something.
      I also think, though, that after the required task is completed, one should make time for rest and non-busyness in other areas of life. Does that make sense? (I feel like I am talking in circles, here!)

      1. Yes, I totally agree with that – there are many non-obligations that we take on without thinking that we’ll need to say no to something else. I’ve been an expert at saying yes too often… but I won’t do that again now. After my course, my number one priority was to relax and do the good things in life, and actually feeling I had TIME OFF (like, what’s that? I need to re-learn that). The first evening after I had been able to settle down, felt strange – an evening I could decide to do whatever I wanted! Very odd. 🙂

        1. It’s the “without thinking that we’ll need to say no to something else” part that I always, always forget. So frustrating when, in hindsight, I could have saved myself time and trouble by just saying no in the first place.
          Oh, I’m glad your course is finished and you may get some of your life back! I bet it felt strange to have that unstructured time without any have-to-do’s squished in there. That’s where I struggle – if that had been me, I would have been cleaning out my closet due to my pathological need to feel “productive” every minute of every day. (This is definitely the area where I need to grow the most…sigh…)
          Take care. And ENJOY the free time. Enjoy enjoy enjoy. 🙂

  7. I absolutely love that prompt! What a thought-provoking quote and one that I talk about a lot with my husband. He’s one of those people that feels like there’s not enough time in the day and never gets to do anything “fun” because he’s always doing work for one thing or another. Meanwhile I feel like you only have this one life so you should enjoy it as much as you can- but also tend to not prioritize rest or relaxing over going on adventures or trying out new groups/hobbies. Thanks for sharing this 🙂

    1. I can’t believe I’ve missed this for DAYS. Goodness. My apologies.
      I am much like your husband, as you can probably tell. And some weeks are worse than others. But even when I have “down time”, I am never just sitting there staring off in to space. I kind of miss the days when I could just, you know, sit. And be. This might be why I am so terrible – truly – at meditation… Hmm… 🙂

  8. I could have sworn I commented on this post, Anne. I at least remember reading it and maybe I decided to take more time to comment later and then never did… well, here I am, quite a bit later, but hopefully not TOO late. 😉

    This was very thought-provoking. I think it’s a trap that many people fall into that we think that we have to reach a certain milestone and THEN we’ll be happy… and maybe we will be, but it’s not like we can just stop then and there, but look for another milestone in the distance.
    I think in some way that is good, because it keeps us striving, but also bad, because we’ll never cross that finish line that you mentioned. I truly believe it’s a balance that we need to strike.

    Ever since I was a child, I was someone who wanted to do EVERYTHING and my biggest problem is that I don’t have TIME to do everything LOL it’s truly a question of “what are my values? What is important to me?” and prioritizing from there. I think it’s totally normal that there are going to be phases where the focus shifts, but we can’t keep chasing all the time.

    1. Well, and now I’m replying to this embarrassingly late. Wow. I’m so sorry – it’s been even crazier than usual for me the last few weeks.
      And yes, that’s exactly it – just aiming for the “finish line” and actually getting there isn’t the end. There is always some other milestone or goal.
      I was asked recently whether I’ll be able to relax a bit (ha… please feel free to laugh your head off at that one…) if I ever get tenure. Not surprisingly, the answer was no. I’ll just find some other milestone/goal line to aim for.

      Thank you for highlighting the importance of knowing one’s values. I feel like I’m not as clear on them as I should be, which is embarrassing. I’ve been trying to do some work to identify my core values, but (sigh) work keeps getting in the way.

      Always <3 your thoughtful comments...whenever they come in. Thanks, friend.

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