Oliver Burkeman (yes, I know I need to read Four Thousand Weeks…) writes one of the best newsletters I receive. Recently, he wrote a long post titled, “Because the bell rings”. I wound up saving the whole post, but will only share pieces here. I can forward you the email if you are interested in reading it, though. It really resonated with me, particularly as I face reality on February 1, and rip off the band aid. So to speak. 🙂
From Oliver Burkeman’s newsletter, December 19, 2022:
…there’s often a deep tension between the desire many of us feel to exert control over our time – because we believe, if perhaps only subconsciously, that something will go very wrong if we don’t do so – and the possibility of actually being fully absorbed in that time.
…And the amazing truth that I apparently have to keep relearning is that there isn’t a choice that has to be made, here, between “going with the flow” or “getting things done”. Again and again, it turns out that going with the flow is the way to get things done.
You can spend your life holding yourself back from full psychological participation in this reality – yearning for a mythical alternative version full of perfect routines and precisely scheduled periods for focused work – and make yourself miserable in the process.
Or you can understand that this reality is the actual terrain of your real life. It’s the only place, in other words, where meaning could ever conceivably be made. So you might as well jump in and start making it.“
Me again. I usually don’t share that much of someone else’s post in my own, but… wow. That hit me so, so hard. I have not been facing reality. I have had this mythical “future time” in my head, where everything is crossed off the (never-ending, always-growing) to do list, and I find peace. And time for contemplation. And reading. And journaling. Catching up with friends.
But you know what? That’s not my reality. This is the life I chose. This is the life I want. This is the life I have.
I know I keep saying this, but this year (for me, well, January was such a chaotic mess that I’m designating February 1 as my “new year’s day”) I need to focus on figuring out how to live the life I have. I’m not going to have someone else’s life. I love reading about all of your lives. I really do. I love reading about your routines, your self-care, and sometimes? I admit it, I get jealous. But then I look at my own life, and I know that deep down? I really do love it.
So, time to do the hard work of finding the moments and the hours that are for ME. Figuring out how to be me, how to make the life I have the “ideal” life I keep striving for.
More to come… and thanks, as always, for listening. <3
Yes! It’s so easy to see what someone else has/does and think we’d love those things too. But, in reality, we tend to be better off curating a life that brings US joy and contentment and think less about what works for others.
I do think it can be hard to identify leisure pursuits as an adult; I tend to feel guilty doing “nothing” and so it’s surprisingly hard to come up with an answer to what refuels me. I feel like it was so much easier for me as a teenager – reading, movies! Now, I tend to only enjoy reading/movies if I have crossed almost everything off my to-do list…
Exactly, Elisabeth. I think it’s finally dawning on me that I aspire to live *others’ lives*. I have MY life – and I need to live that one in the way that fulfills me. You’d think this would have occurred to me before, but I think it was more that I thought I could change my life and end up with something fundamentally different. And then getting frustrated when I couldn’t do it.
And I am exactly the same way. I am not okay with doing ‘nothing’ and the guilt is terrible. I feel like I am letting myself down! I can be happy that I am rarely bored, but… that means I am constantly doing, too. And that’s not a good thing, either.
Thanks friend. Always love your insights. <3
I think this is such a great exercise to do for yourself. What brings YOU joy and happiness and fulfillment? It’s so different from person to person, and that’s the beauty of being human. I hope the February 1st “fresh start” gives you everything you need to have a great 2023!
You know, Stephany, I should make that question my background on my computer and phone: “What brings ME joy and happiness and fulfillment?” I need to focus in on that and stop thinking that other peoples’ lives or priorities are what would be good for me. In my heart (and head) I know that, it’s operationalizing it in daily life that’s hard. I can read your posts – love your decorations – and realize that as much as I love them, I would NOT love them in my space! (No insult intended – I loved your Christmas decorations! It’s just that it’s not my style… and it’s important to know that. I have Thoughts on this from my marriage, too, that I hope to share soon as I build on this post…) <3
In the day of age of social media, it’s really hard not to play the comparison game and differentiate what you *think* you want because others have it and what you really want. I can definitely relate to this “elusive” time in the future when everything is perfect and we can be truly happy… but you already know this: this time never comes, so we’d better make the best of the here and now.
It’s hard sometimes to figure out what ‘the best’ is and it can look different on any given day, but it’s something to work on.
Ooh, I like that insight, San, that what is “best” may vary day to day. While I don’t often want to eat out, for example, sometimes I just want to eat something that someone else prepared. Or, while I think of myself as a homebody, there’s nothing stopping me from actually *going away for a night* if I think a change of location might be a good thing for me. And yes, keeping my eyes and thoughts and focus on what IS instead of what will or can be? So, so important. Now is now. The future will be what it will be. 🙂
*day and age
I like your idea of calling the 1st of Feb your New Year’s Day! And very good to hear you love your life and want to make the best of it instead of striving for something else! But with finding the time for you, in my experience the only thing that works is to CREATE that time. Put your me-time on your to-do list. Otherwise it’s too easy to “wait until I have that time”.
Constantly doing doesn’t necessarily have to be something bad. It depends on what you do. Something that makes you happy, helps you rest, or is a step towards reaching a goal? That’s all good. As long as you choose to do those things because you want to.
That is exactly it. Sometimes engaging for me means not reading/listening to the paper (my digital subscription has this cool feature where an AI voice reads the article to you, which is great when I want to check the news, not so great when I want to engage with something OTHER than the news!). And instead, I will read a book on my phone, which I love to do. I also like just putting the tech down and looking around, even in mundane circumstances like going to the grocery store. And yes again – constantly doing is good when I am doing something that is for me, and that is not a time/energy suck. The key for me is identifying those good things to do.
It is so easy to get lost in other peoples lives. To get distracted by all the noise around us. But sitting with ourselves and asking the hard questions. The hurtful ones… and then rising and appreciating it all. Ah that is a rollercoaster. I am not saying I have master but maybe I have been on one part of said rollercoaster.
Phishing lots of energy, insights and many moments to find that ideal life for yourself.
And asking – for me, at least – how did I get here? How did I make this the life I have, which seems to make it the one that I want? I know – logically – how that happened. What’s harder to unpack are the emotional reasons that I constructed this life this way. it really does work for me. Now it’s a matter of highlighting/identifying/finding the WHY behind that. Why does having this be my life work for me? How can I be sure that it brings me joy instead of stress? that will take time, for sure.
I love this. I, too, always think toward this perfect future that **spoiler** will never come, and I am trying really hard to live in the deliberate present this year.
It NEVER COMES. Never ever. I don’t know why I persist in thinking that hey, this time it might! Um, yeah, no. If I could get this pounded into my little pea brain, I’d be much better off. 😉