…for what seems to be the millionth time. Sigh.
Also, wow. I didn’t expect to be away for a month. Over a month, to be honest. This month turned out to be one of the most challenging yet of my working life. Personally, professionally, spiritually, and physically. As a result, I haven’t shown up here, and that I haven’t shown up for myself. I’ve neglected this blog, and the joy I get out of interacting with those of you who still come to read. I’ve neglected my physical and psychological health, by never taking days off from physical exercise or work. And I’ve neglected my personal growth by not spending time with my own thoughts, journaling, and thinking about bigger ideas. I honestly don’t know the last time I have taken the time to write out my thoughts.
It’s been a long month of juggling endless balls and fretting constantly that one or more will drop.
It’s been a long month of loving the NaBloPoMo posts (yes, I am still working through them), yet not being able to share as many thoughts or comments as I would, otherwise. And thereby losing another connection with a community that means so much to me.
And it’s been a long month of persistent roller-coaster times at work, being buffeted by unexpected challenges that have emerged and taken precedence over what I really want to be doing.
When I came here today, I intended to simply start a new post. And I happened upon this untitled draft, with a quote placeholder. I do this when I know I want to address a particular topic but don’t (sigh) have time to, or (better in a way), don’t know what I want to say, exactly.
The quote in this formerly untitled draft – placed here, as best I can tell, in October – was this one:
It was Seneca reminding his friend Lucilius, “The mind must be given relaxation. It will rise improved and sharper after a good break. Just as rich fields must not be forced…so constant work on the anvil will fracture the force of the mind.”
Well, shoot. There goes my past self, again, anticipating what future me was going to do.
And, it’s not like it’s completely unexpected, after all, I’ve been here before, multiple times. I say I want to show up here more, or engage more with the world, or (pick goal of anything other than work-work-work and stress-stress-stress)…
And I consistently fail at those goals. This tendency of mine – as I say, to talk a good game, but not take the required action(s) – led me to ask my therapist, in our last session, “WHY is it so hard for me to change? Why can I only talk about what I want to do, but not actually do what I want to do?” The resulting discussion was… let’s just say enlightening. 🙂
So I’m not going to promise to show up here everyday. Although maybe that would break me out of my blogging lull and journaling breakdown. But I am going to try to actually do what I need and want to do for my health (all aspects of it, as noted above). I’m going to try, at least for the next few weeks, to give my mind a bit more relaxation, a bit more time on the blog, in my journal, and doing what I find enjoyable (other than work, because despite everything I just said, I still enjoy what I do).
I know most people will be taking time off over the holidays. This will, I hope, give me a bit of time to catch up on blog reading and learn more about what’s going on in your lives now, vs. a month ago. I actually hope to post a bit more frequently about all the things I’ve wanted to share but haven’t taken the time to, you know, actually share.
I also hope to get a bit more sleep, a bit more fun reading time, and a bit less work. Wish me luck on that one, as you’ve all heard that refrain before…
And, to shift the doom-and-gloom nature of this post, sharing something that made me laugh today, which is Boxing Day for certain parts of the world. I read an article by a Canadian (Hi Nicole! Hi Elisabeth!), who asked (logically), why don’t Americans celebrate Boxing Day? This paragraph is at the end of that article:
Not to offend anyone but I’ve always been bewildered that Americans have passed up the chance to add another holiday to the calendar, especially one dedicated to self-indulgence. Maybe Boxing Day is one of those Canadian things, like Coffee Crisp and the Tragically Hip, that seem as if they would work perfectly well in the U.S. but just don’t translate.
This made me laugh primarily because I have a long-standing love for Mars bars, especially, but also for other British and Canadian chocolates. Perhaps the best way to get away from my neverending self-pressure and ever-lengthening to-do list is to emigrate to Canada and not let anyone know where I am… plus, I could indulge in all of the non-American chocolate my little heart desires. 😉
Take care, my friends. I hope, if you celebrate, you had a wonderful Christmas with those you love most. And if you don’t celebrate, I hope you took the chance to enjoy the holiday and spend time doing what you wanted to do. <3
It’s always good to see a new post from you pop up in my Feedly! I went through a busy stint at work right at the tail end of NaBloPo that left me wiped out. I can’t agree more – the mind needs rest. Enjoy your time off!
It hasn’t been quite as restful as hoped… but I’m working on it. Last weekend I was coming off of a regular week of work so it was hard to decompress in time to truly take time for myself. This weekend, I am planning a half day for a kind of reset. Thinking about what I can change and (more importantly for someone like me, who is soooo change-resistant) what is realistic to expect of myself. 🙂
My husband and I have had the ability to take off the week between Christmas and New Year’s (so lucky!) and I love it. My husband is so relaxed and he’s not thinking about research, grading, or prepping. I mean, probably by Thursday night, I’ll lose my chill guy until May, but I have him now. It’s amazing what a few days of actual relaxation can do for a person. I hope you are able to do enjoy some relaxation and time off and devote yourself to things you enjoy!
Yes! I would love to do what your husband is doing. And I know several colleagues who truly did disconnect this week. It’s just a bad year for me to do that, with looming deadlines, etc. Ah, academia. I didn’t relax last weekend, thanks to our (extremely annoying and don’t get me started) semester schedule, but the goal over new year’s weekend is to actually take. some. time. for. me. Wish me luck!
Well…you know I’m a HUGE fan of Canada. We definitely enjoy our holidays (though not as well as Scandinavia, I fear). I honestly didn’t know it wasn’t a holiday in the US?!
Like you, I’m not great at relaxing. I know I function best with lots of white space and buffer in my life, but don’t always take the right steps to make it so.
I AM taking a blog break over the holidays and, as always, please don’t feel guilty to give yourself a clean break. You don’t have to read every post (seriously, I write too much – just skip to newest posts and know you’re not missing anything extraordinary) or exercise every day or prioritize work every weekend. I can often struggle with a sense of completism – I must do X,Y,Z perfectly or else it “doesn’t count”. But this simply isn’t the case. And it can feel liberating to give myself permission to reject some of the arbitrary rules/guidelines I put up for myself.
That feels like a bit of a tangent but what I really want to say is: I hope you get the rest and refreshment you need, my friend! I hope you lounge on the couch with a good book and sip tea in bed and watch a string of movies back-to-back or whatever it might be you need to feed your soul. Hugs!!
Oh, my goodness, you were reading my mind. Or my browser tabs. I recently read this from Oliver Burkeman:
“I’ve written before about the sense many of us have that we begin each morning in a state of “productivity debt”, which we must struggle to pay off over the course of the day, if we’re to feel by the evening like we’ve earned our spot on the planet. (“Few things feel more basic to my experience of adulthood,” I wrote, “than this vague sense that I’m falling behind, and need to claw my way back up to some minimum standard of output.”)” (I added the bold text…)
Your “sense of completism” is so familiar to me. I really do struggle with having that margin, that white space, that takes me away from to-dos and towards relaxation and want-to-dos. I suspect we’re similar in that, once I DO manage to disconnect, I enjoy it. But the process of getting there can be panic-inducing.
I am hoping for a personal reset of sorts this weekend… last weekend, I was coming straight off a work week, so that wasn’t very relaxing. This week, I’ve been working but also not in meetings and class so that helps tremendously. I hope you’ve enjoyed your break – and do NOT apologize for how you write! I love to read your posts. (I’m STILL working through your one on Mary Oliver, as I want to give that one the time and depth it requires…) Be well, my friend. <3
The quote is a good one. I need to save it for myself. Isn’t it interesting, that our past selves (subconscious) already anticipate or even know where the road leads and then we stand there at the end looking at a crumbled something wondering how we ended up there.
I hope you will be able to spend some much needed time on things that recharge and inspire you. And if that means you will be writing something I am looking forward to reading it. If not I hope you are busy with heart-things.
It makes you think we know ourselves better than we THINK we know ourselves… and also, that we just don’t change that much, despite (sometimes) desperately wanting to change. It has been a good week but still one with plenty of work. I am hoping to disconnect more this weekend, and start the process of clearing out and cleaning up to start the new year. <3
Hi Anne!
Wow, have you ever had a busy month! I hope you can get some rest over the holidays.
I love that you reference both Coffee Crisp and the Hip! I am always a bit surprised when I hear that certain food items are not available in the States – I guess I just think that you all have everything there! I remember hearing with absolute shock that ketchup chips were a Canadian thing. Shocking!
Merry Christmas!
Yes! There are LISTS of awesome Canadian snacks that we can’t get here – or, that we can only get for a limited period of time (I think the ketchup chips were briefly available at some point?). But coffee crisp, MARS bars, and… this honeycomb thingie that I know I had in England. Also, quark from Germany, and don’t even get me started on French options, sweet and savory. American snacks can be so, well, bland. It’s like the companies don’t want to offend anyone so they make their foods as blah as possible. Ha.
That seems like a lot, friend! I hope you are able to find ways to relax and recharge. Would making a goal to post once a week to your blog be a doable goal? Like, you know you have to write a post every Wednesday, so that you make sure you carve out some time earlier in the week to work on a post. I know it helps me to have a plan for what I’m going to blog about and when! This is slightly selfish of me because I just want more blog posts from you in my life!
I hope you’re able to set aside more time for FUN in 2023. You deserve it!
You, too, must have been reading my mind! I am actually going to set goals for the year and each month. And some of those will be weekly. And one of those, at least, will be blog-related. Even just a “Casual Friday”, like Elisabeth does, or a Five Things post. I love reading them – why shouldn’t I write them! Today I ordered a simple planner with monthly and weekly spreads, and my plan is to outline monthly goals then distribute activities throughout the weeks to meet them. 🙂 And, funny you should bring up FUN… There is a book on that I have on my TBR, and I’ve also seen posts about having more fun from newsletters I subscribe to and posts that I see… so that may come up in another post in the new year.
Happy 2023, my friend. I hope it’s a happy, joyous, and peaceful one for you. <3
Is there nothing you can do about your work situation? It seems you’re always overwhelmed and unable to do things for you or take time to do nothing and I worry you’re going into burnout eventually.
I’m a bit like that if there’s too much on my mind and then even if I do have time off, I can’t do anything productive recreational (such as blogging or music) so if that’s your situation perhaps just sit down to do what relaxes your mind… rather than trying to write. Unless writing is what relaxes your mind.
Oh, Susanne, I worry about this all the time. I feel like every time I finish something I pivot to the next thing. While I didn’t elaborate on the conversation I had with my therapist in this post, one piece of it was her asking me, “What will you do when you reach the next goal? Would you be able to stop working all the time and take a break?” And the answer was honestly, that I didn’t know. This is obviously something she and I will revisit in future appointments, but it was really sobering to realize just how much I have bought into this culture of overwork. Breaking patterns is really hard for me – and it sounds like it is hard for you, too, given your comment about having difficulty having fun when you do get time off. I am trying to think of ways to force myself to take a break – but don’t have anyone I can ask to take my computer hostage for a Saturday or even just half a day. I like your idea of just relaxing my mind. Honestly, reading blogs and writing here are relaxing for me, as is reading. I disconnect when I really get into a book, which I love. It’s making the time to read, making the time to write, that’s hard. Any other ideas you have – as someone who has battled burnout – would be welcome. 🙂 <3
After my burnout I decided I had to just STOP doing everything for a bit. I took time off from work and my only focus was self-care and relax. It helped to get over the worst but I wasn’t totally ok when I got back to work (but work was only a part of what got me into burnout). It took a long time, and one thing that is sadly the case with burnout, is that after you’ve been there, your ability to handle stress will never be the same again. This is one of the reason I want to freelance if possible – because it’s the only way to truly control your own work environment and work conditions.
The thing with not enjoying myself when I have time off, only applies to very stressful times (like for example when I did my exams, although then I truly never had real time off, but similar times). Now I’ve removed a lot of stressful things from my life and although I hope I’ll get into a proper work life, I still think it will be manageable and that I will be able to live a normal life with time off for relax. During 2022 when I started working on overcoming overthinking, I ditched most of my old patterns and started thinking differently about what matters. Now when I’ve switched to a fitness lifestyle, I have those natural ways to relax my mind, through running and weightlifting.
If you use your computer at home for working – perhaps have two separate computers if possible? One for work and one for leisure (blogs, writing etc)? And shut down and lock the work computer in a drawer somewhere when you finish the work day.
Susanne, thank you so much for sharing your experiences and how they continue to affect you now, years later. I do think I need to have regular times when I completely disconnect. For me, there is no such thing as “work light”. If I’m going to check emails, or open my work browser and/or files, I’m gong to work. It’s even worse when I am on a deadline.
Perhaps my worst quality – or, well, one of them, as there are many…- is that I cannot seem to hold myself to the “promises” I make to myself. For example, I will think that I should take a weekend morning completely off – no work, just catching up on life and fun and (good grief) blog reading. But then, when I try to do that, my work stuff is so close to me that I just… start working. Part of the problem is that I have very limited space in my apartment, so my desk is quite literally between my couch and my kitchen in the one non-bedroom, non-bathroom room. There aren’t really options for hiding work things overnight, as there’s only one place they really can be.
Overcoming this tendency to break promises to myself is something I desperately want to achieve, as I think it might help me get closer to where you are, now. Not all the way, for sure, but closer. At least to the point where I can make a commitment to myself and actually keep it. I suspect this is where my conversations with my therapist will go when we next meet – this idea of “talking a good game” but never following through.
I do have a non-work computer; the problem is that it’s old (I am thinking 10 years?), it’s not updated, and it’s very, very slow. I don’t use it for a lot right now, and I do need to think about replacing it so that it is more functional. But that costs money and I am still very much in the mindset of save-save-save. Again, something that would likely help but that I have not followed through on.
I am hoping that posting a bit more frequently here will help hold me accountable – if I post it publicly, then, well, I know I can count on you to keep me honest. And I value that so much. 🙂
Thank you, again, for your support and suggestions. I really, really appreciate it – particularly knowing your suggestions have worked for you!
Happy New Year! Hoping this one will be a year of better balance for you..if that’s even a thing that’s possible. And also another vote for more holidays on the calendar…or just more vacation days so I can spend a month abroad please? Wouldn’t that be nice!
Oooh, I like your idea of vacation days and holidays and particularly a month spent abroad. The month I spent in France in high school was one of the best times of my life. <3
I am so sorry you were so busy and stressed out, Anne. Nobody should be stressed out around the holidays (although aren’t we all for one reason or another?). I do hope so you got a bit of time to relax “between the years”. And I love the idea of setting a few goals for the new year. Remember, you want to make changes slowly (too many get overwhelming and nothing gets changed at all), but I love the idea of trying to blog once a week (maybe one of these feature- posts like Five Things Friday or a Weekly Round-up. This gives you the opportunity to also check- in and talk about things that are currently going on with you.
Happy New Year, my friend 🙂
It was definitely a stressful time – but as I think I mentioned in yesterday’s post (yes, a second post! crazy!), I figured that I worked straight up until Christmas Eve, which doesn’t leave a lot of time to enjoy the holiday season. It makes it hard to relax the week between the holidays, and then the day after new year’s (or, well, the new year’s holiday), everything starts up again. I’m definitely thinking about goals – including connecting (via posting!), and, in particular, curating. I can’t come up with a better word for it – but cutting back on the number of email newsletters (work and fun), culling my want-to-read list, continuing to declutter, and just generally deciding what I want to focus on. I do hope to post at least weekly – getting in the habit is the hardest part, I think! I love connecting with all of you so there’s definitely a reward in it for me. 🙂 Take care, my friend. Your weather is scary. Sending hugs. <3