Lady Gaga? Seriously?

March 12, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

From her Oscar acceptance speech, 2019: “If you are at home and you’re sitting on your couch, and you are watching this right now, all I have to say is that this is hard work. I’ve worked hard for a long time,” she said. “It’s not about winning. But what it’s about is not giving up. If you have a dream, fight for it. There’s a discipline for passion, and it’s not about how many times you get rejected or you fall down, or you’re beaten up. It’s about how many times you stand up and are brave, and you keep on going.”
– Lady Gaga

You never know from where you will obtain a bit of insight for the day.
Persistence.
Patience.
Treading your own path, not someone else’s, and recognizing that giving up is not going to get you to your goals.

I had runner’s envy at the gym the last few days.
A new member (I guess?). She’s fast. She’s gorgeous. She is a wonderful runner.

I’m slow. I’m nowhere near gorgeous. And I am a plodder.

But I get out there (or in there, as I am mostly a treadmill runner…) and I do it. Because for me, it’s essential to my mental health.

I am not her, she is not me. I need to run my own race (however slow…).

It’s the same at work.

I just saw someone got funding for a grant that’s similar to what I want to do.
I was initially really, really jealous.

And then I realized, her grant info is now publicly available. I can learn from her success.

My race. Not hers.
My study. Not hers.
My life. Not hers.

Accentuate the positive…

March 11, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

I’m trying, I really am.

I realized that the common denominator for many of my challenges with relationships in the past few years – with my husband, my former best friend, etc. – was my persistence in focusing on the negative and forgetting, quite frankly, about all that was positive in those relationships.

I was choosing to see the few bad things, and ignoring the good.

This was particularly true in my relationship with my husband, and the challenges that I, quite honestly, largely created.

So now… now I am trying to let go. To accentuate the positive. To remember that there is so much that is good in my life, and in these relationships, and in life in general.

It’s not always rainbows and bunnies, but… it’s a darn good life. And I need to remember that.

Building my bridge

March 1, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

No one can build you the bridge on which you, and only you, must cross the river of life. There may be countless trails and bridges and demigods who would gladly carry you across; but only at the price of pawning and forgoing yourself. There is one path in the world that none can walk but you. Where does it lead? Don’t ask, walk!

– Nietzsche

I needed this reminder this week – that I am the only one who can build my life.

I choose to do what I do.
I choose to put myself out there – teaching, lecturing, submitting manuscripts and grant proposals.
For someone who is excessively introverted, this constant placing of the self in front of others – sharing what I have created, what I think is so critical and important, is so so hard.

It is so hard.

And yet.

This is the life I want to build. I want the freedom to ask the questions that I want to answer.
I want what I do to be driven by my passions, not someone else’s.

This is my life. I only get one.

If I don’t build it the way I want it, then, well, it’s not going to be a very fulfilling or happy life.

Putting my work out there for feedback and (often) rejection is hard.

The alternative, though, is that I would have to cross someone else’s bridge to build my life.

I get to build this one. It’s a remarkable privilege, to have this freedom, these choices.

It’s also a remarkable challenge. One that I need to rise to every single day, every single week.

It’s been a crap week. Monday sucked. Tuesday was great. Wednesday, sucked. Thursday, meh. (It ended better than I thought it would, so that’s something?)

Friday I have more meetings than I thought possible.
BUT.

Then, for two days, my time is completely my own. I need this weekend to reset, recalibrate.

I am so, so grateful for the privilege, the opportunity to build this life, this bridge, for myself.

From euphoria to failure

February 26, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

Wholeheartedness. There are many tenets of Wholeheartedness, but at its very core is vulnerability and worthiness; facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough.
– Brene Brown

Nothing has transformed my life more than realizing that it’s a waste of time to evaluate my worthiness by weighing the reaction of the people in the stands.
– Brene Brown

And finally…

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
– Winston Churchill

So, I failed, yet again, at achieving something I really want.

Despite knowing that the chances of me actually achieving it were slim-to-none. Really. First grant submissions essentially never get funded.

But learning that, along with some other things that happened yesterday, had me wallowing.

And I did wallow, for a few hours.

And then I reached out – which is new for me.

I reached out to 2 people who I knew would say what I needed to hear: that yes, it sucked, but I am doing good things and I am not a fake.

Not an impostor.

The impostor syndrome was strong yesterday.

There are still vestiges of it today.

But I’ll come back. I’ll succeed. And I’ll figure out how to get someone to support what I want to study.

I know it’s important. I know it should be done. I know I need to do a better job of communicating that to others.

So onward, upward, and all that. 😉

Passion and thriving

February 21, 2019 by Anne Leave a comment

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style.

Maya Angelou

I was in the shower yesterday – always, always these things come to me on the shower…or the treadmill – and it hit me.

They pay me to do what I get to go to work to do.

They pay me to think. To question. To seek new answers.

They pay me to read. To share knowledge with others, and to learn from them.

I. Am. So. Lucky.

It took me a while – and several detours and wrong turns – but oh, I love what I do. I just love it.

I basically get paid to be a nerd. Talk about a dream job for me!

I’ll need to remember this on those super-annoying days when all I want is to be home, in my leggings.

Or when I’m in the curriculum meeting tomorrow. 🙂

But most days? It’s so, so much fun.