Home

July 14, 2020 by Anne Leave a comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about home, and what home means to me, the last few days.

I believe it was prompted by this quote, for which I do not have attribution…

“These places we call home, the communities that challenge and grow us, will exist long after we are gone. But never in the way we experience them today. It always seems there is a before and after, but really, our experience is always in the middle… after something it once was and before the thing it will become.”

So… what is home to me? The meaning has changed so many times throughout my life, I’ve really had many homes. The place where I grew up… the places I have lived and loved… the places I have only visited but connect with so deeply that they seem like home. And, when did my parents’ home stop being my home? That was the big one for me, growing up, a big shift in my thinking, realizing that when I went back to visit them, I wasn’t going home I was going to visit them at their home, where I grew up. What a change in thinking that is… and I don’t know if everyone experiences it.

Would it be different if I had never left? If I had moved home after college and worked in the place where I grew up? Probably.

But I didn’t do that. I stayed in Philadelphia, where I went to college, which honestly never felt like home to me. During those few years, when I went to my parents’ house, I still referred to it as “going home for the weekend”. The big change came when I became a travel nurse, and got to live and work in new places. Places I had always wanted to see… Northern California. Southern California. Seattle. It’s funny, the cities in CA were fun, but never home. But Seattle, and the entire Pacific Northwest, was the first place that I thought of as home other than my parents’ town. That was when my language shifted, when I started saying that I was coming “back for a visit” or “visiting [town]” instead of “coming home for Christmas”.

I only lived there for 9 months, then relocated again to the east coast. I lived there for 2 and a half years, but it never felt like home. I never felt that sense of belonging, that this was the place for me. And so when I picked up and moved to Iowa (that was a change…) for more school? Well, let’s just say I was more surprised than anyone when I quickly started thinking of Iowa as home. Iowa? Seriously? The midwest? I loved the coasts, water, oceans… how could I think of a landlocked state, with nary an ocean in sight, as home?

And yet I did. I had to leave there for a few years (more time out east… sigh…) before returning for a prolonged period of time, and the entire time I was away, it felt like something in my life was just, well, off kilter. I loved being near family, I loved seeing them on the weekends, but I wasn’t “home”. Finally returning to the midwest after 3 long years was like putting the final piece in the puzzle of my life. There have been other moves since then, but I am finally back and hope to be here for a good long time.

Anyway, all of that to say that the meaning of home for me has clearly changed over time. Those are just the places I’ve lived. There are other places I love – in the midwest, in the northeast – that I consider homes of my heart. Where I have traveled – sometimes for extended periods of time – but haven’t lived and worked. And yet, they call to me. I feel like I belong. My body takes a deep breath and I feel at peace, the way I do when I am home, now.

Why do these places call to us? Why do some call to me, and others don’t feel the same connection I do? These unique connections to the places we feel at home.

There is a song in the movie Michael, sung by Bonnie Raitt, that often goes through my head. In the chorus, she sings:

Feels like home to me, feels like home to me,
Feels like I’m on my way back where I come from.
Feels like home to me, feels like home to me,
Feels like I’m on my way back where I belong.

She’s singing about a person, about feeling at home with them. But to me, this is about places. Home, to me, is where I belong.

Can someone hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete, please?

July 8, 2020 by Anne 1 Comment

3d reset button stock illustration. Illustration of modern - 22085665

Right now I don’t need the old “Easy” button from the commercials years ago. I need the reset button.

It’s been a hard few weeks, and it’s not that it’s one BIG thing. It’s just a bunch of things piling up and that feeling like I can’t dig out from under them. It’s feeling like I can never catch up, that this summer is wasted, that the fall semester will be here before I know it, and that I will never get where I want to go in life.

It’s not a fun feeling. And I hate being in this gloom-and-doom funk. I truly, truly hate it. I know that it comes, periodically, when one works in academia, and when one’s success is driven (at least in part) by others’ decisions and actions. By their decisions to offer you funding (or not). By accepting a manuscript for publication (or not). By voting to give you tenure (or not).

And this time, I’m not sure how to get out of it. Thanks to the pandemic and spiking cases here in my area, I really can’t GO anywhere. I can’t even see the one kind-of-family member who lives near here, as I don’t know what they have been doing, or to whom (or what) they’ve been exposed. I’m still at home most of the time, and it’s starting to feel like I’ll never get out of here. I know a lot of people are going through the same things, and I have no right to complain. I’m safe, I have a job, and food, and health insurance. But some days, when the little things pile up, it’s hard to look past the pile and see the good things. It can be hard to be grateful.

Usually I just push through these times by working hard, and eventually I find a path out of the canyon. Given the length of my to do list (ha) I’m hoping that the same approach works this time. That, and maybe a short trip for some frozen custard this weekend. The drive (and, let’s be real, the custard!) would probably go a long way to helping me mentally reset.

Mirrors

June 19, 2020 by Anne Leave a comment

I’ve had to look in a few metaphorical mirrors recently, and it hasn’t been the most comfortable experience, to be honest. I actually dislike regular mirrors. I’ve never been someone who pays much attention to how they look. I tend to make sure there isn’t anything awful in my teeth, that my hair isn’t standing on end (never a guarantee) and then I figure I’m good.

So, when I had to see myself in 2 different types of mirrors recently, I was already outside of my comfort zone because, well, mirrors. Not my favorite.

The first was when I took the Enneagram test. I think I referred to this in an earlier post – but my therapist recommended it as a way of better understanding my tendencies and areas for growth. I am a 1/6 (my scores were only one point away from each other). I read the 6 information first, and I admit that I was a bit reactive reading it. As in, thinking “that’s not me!” However, there were also a lot of things that really rang true, as well. Not necessarily nice things – there are a lot of references to anxiety and routines (which really does describe me well) – things that are true of me. I felt as though I aligned much more with the description of the 1, though, which is why I put that number first. And it was still uncomfortable – not quite as much as with the description of the 6, but there were still some challenging revelations.

That’s the problem with these tests, for me. I tend to get defensive and then fail to recognize the opportunities for growth that they can help me identify. Fortunately, I have someone working through it with me, and I think that will help tremendously. I don’t need to change who I am, but I do need to adapt and grow… staying stagnant is not really an option.

The other mirror was the result of starting to read White Fragility due to everything that’s been going on in the US for almost a month now. I realized that I need to educate myself, and this was the book that resonated with me the most when I read the samples. (The next one up is How to Be an Anti-Racist.)

And wow. I’m sure I’m not the only person who has had this reaction, but again, I found myself getting defensive. But then, as the author fully acknowledges that a lot of white people DO get defensive when hearing about racism and structural inequality… I started to realize that what I have done throughout my life is what white people always do. I wasn’t special. Not at all. The things I told myself about “not being a racist” were the same things that pretty much all white people tell themselves.

I thought I was “above all that”. I thought because I worked with and cared for a diverse group of people and patients and families that of course I was not racist!

I failed to recognize the systemic structures that led to me being who I am. That led to the inequality that has pervaded American life throughout its history.

I’m not finished with the book yet. And I’ve probably misstated something here… If so, I’m sorry (and if I figure out that I did misstate something, I’ll come back and correct it, of course).

So, mirrors. Still not my favorite. But these two mirrors will, I hope, help me grow. Maybe change (a little). And that wouldn’t be a bad thing.

Friday randomness

June 12, 2020 by Anne 3 Comments

I don’t have a quote for this one… but I do have a lot of random thoughts in my head. Things I’d share with a roommate / significant other, you know, if I had one living with me.

And that brings me to the first random thought, actually.
1. I’m not a very touchy-feely person. At all. I don’t know (or remember, if I’ve ever done the test) my love language, but I can tell you without question that it is not physical touch. I don’t mind a good hug – but only from certain people. I don’t crave physical contact, as a general rule.

But.

I’ve been self-isolating (and isolated, honestly) since March 13. It’s now June 12. I think we can all do the math… three months, without another person I know well anywhere near me. I haven’t shared my space – and I am grateful for that, honestly. But even I am starting to think that, you know? It would be nice to get a hug. The problem? I’m also struggling with a lot of anxiety around doing more, getting out more, seeing people. I know I’m going to need to start small, but even breaking out of my current routine to go to a store that’s not an essential store is really hard (I still haven’t done it). I should probably just rip the band aid off and do it.

It makes me wonder what I will do when and if I am able to see my mother in law, or my spouse. I have a feeling it’s going to be a rather anxiety provoking moment for me.

Which relates to…

2. I took the enneagram test, which I know is a more popular “personality” test these days. Recommended by my therapist (it’s a long story). I haven’t read the details, but I think I’m primarily a 6? And maybe a 1? Anyway -the key word that keeps jumping out at me for one of my types is the word “anxious”. And yes, that would be me. I’m interested to see how it frames that anxiety, though. Is it something I can use to grow? I certainly hope so.

3. I have new upstairs neighbors.
They are noisy.
I am not happy.
I don’t know what they are rolling across the floor, but it’s LOUD and they were doing it at 12:30 am. As in, half an hour after midnight.
They also stomp.
I’ve been patient, but they’ve been here 2 weeks now. Time to settle down and get some freaking rugs. I plan on saying something to the apartment manager today. Sigh.
Yes, I’m “that” tenant, apparently.

4. There is a car packed with random stuff – looks like someone is moving? – that has been parked outside my apartment for the last 3 weeks. I cannot figure it out.

5. My niece graduates from high school today. Virtually. Which means that, for once, I can actually participate in one of her milestone events. What sucks is that her senior year has, well, completely sucked. She’s amazing, though – has been baking up a storm and really impressing the heck out of all of us with her patience and ability to just roll with it. I am so insanely proud of her – and I cannot believe she is heading to college next year. I don’t have kids of my own, and I just love seeing how she and her brother have matured into really excellent people. It makes me so hopeful for the future.

And that seems to be the end of my random thoughts…

I know this is making the rounds, but it resonated with me and maybe it will with you, too…

Plugs

June 8, 2020 by Anne Leave a comment

Nearly everyone, I think, knows this quote, as it’s particularly applicable to our always-on, always-plugged-in culture. I’ve seen it multiple times, of course, and each time, I kind of laugh to myself and think, well, I unplug periodically! I’m good!

Yeah. Apparently not.

I hit a wall yesterday. I had no energy. I could not muster the oomph to get out of bed and head to the gym at my usual ungodly hour (fewer people = lower risk). I went back to bed for an hour (granted, I did not really sleep, but that’s kind of beside the point…). I got up, went for a run outside (it was beautiful), did my usual Sunday morning cleaning (kitchen, floors, dusting) and then thought about my day. I’d planned to go to a state park (fee free weekend!) for a quick visit, then hit the coop for a few things, and otherwise work all day.

This has been my pattern for the last… um… well, let’s just say that working all weekend is more the norm than the exception.

Things started out exactly how I thought they would. I checked email, read the paper online (Washington Post, my favorite for years now), then headed to the park and truly enjoyed the sound of the waves lapping on the shore of the lake. I left when the sun started to get stronger and the families showed up, headed to the coop (where I completely struck out) and then came home to get to work.

Except I couldn’t.

It was like my brain just… froze. I could barely put two sentences together, let alone anything coherent for a manuscript (my current primary focus; there are a lot in the pipeline). I finalized comments on a student’s comps (the final written ‘exam’ before they move to dissertation status). I made sure my comments were mostly constructive (sometimes it’s just… impossible…), and on the right form. Then I tried to clean out my overflowing downloads folder.

I couldn’t even figure out if I wanted to keep some things or not. I couldn’t make any decisions. I just stared at the screen.

After about 20 minutes of this, I just…. gave up. Sent a few emails, closed the computer, went on a walk. Came home, and… sat outside… and read. Just, read. For an hour. Had lunch, then sat (inside this time, the sun was getting stronger on my ‘balcony’), and… read more.

I finally (FINALLY) finished Becoming. It was the perfect book to finish – the perfect words to read – given everything that is going on.

It was just what I needed to read at this moment in time. And I realized that yesterday was really the culmination, at least for me, of the past months’ strain and stress and difficulties. The pandemic. Racial injustice. Protests. Massive overreach and unbelievable actions by our ‘president’.

It’s been a long, long spring, as we all know. And it came crashing down on me yesterday.

I went to bed last night, slept like the dead, and woke up feeling so much more like myself.

So, huh.

I guess more than a few minutes of unplugging is sometimes needed. And for someone like me, it requires basically a bucket of water in the face. A wall right in front of me. Whatever metaphor you want to use to imply a sudden shock to the system.

I clearly needed it, and I know I should try to avoid having it hit like this in the future. I’m sure I’ll try to remember this, and I already know that I’ll fail spectacularly. Fortunately, the Universe has a way of jumping in front of idiots like me, who refuse to acknowledge that they, too, are human, and making us stop.

Just stop.

Unplug.

And breathe.