Mountain Climbing

Posted on by Anne Leave a comment
George Mallory, a mountaineer who led early British expeditions to Mount Everest in the 1920s, on the joy of climbing:
“People ask me, ‘What is the use of climbing Mount Everest?’ and my answer must at once be, ‘It is of no use.’ There is not the slightest prospect of any gain whatsoever. Oh, we may learn a little about the behavior of the human body at high altitudes, and possibly medical men may turn our observation to some account for the purposes of aviation. But otherwise nothing will come of it. We shall not bring back a single bit of gold or silver, not a gem, nor any coal or iron… If you cannot understand that there is something in man which responds to the challenge of this mountain and goes out to meet it, that the struggle is the struggle of life itself upward and forever upward, then you won’t see why we go. What we get from this adventure is just sheer joy. And joy is, after all, the end of life. We do not live to eat and make money. We eat and make money to be able to live. That is what life means and what life is for.”
I saw this quote in an email I received this week, and it was (yet again) exactly what I needed to read at the moment in time I read it. 
I’ve gotten bogged down in the day-to-day minutiae of my job, of my life. Sometimes I think this is a coping mechanism for the pandemic – and it may be that, in part. But it also reminded me that I need to step back and take a look at the bigger picture – of my life, of my work, of, well, everything. Taking a moment (or, um, a day?) to reset, to remember my why, to set goals instead of writing out a task-focused to-do list is so important to helping me remember what I do, and why I do it, in all aspects of my life. 
So this weekend will be a regrouping of sorts…both personally and professionally. I want to flip my closet – finally! We are finally getting some consistently warmer temperatures and it is officially time to retire the long johns and wool sweaters. But I’m also going to take the time to set work-related goals for the summer. I need to focus, and be productive – but I also need to know what my goals are, the why behind the what. 
I have my annual review today and am (as always) anxious. I will be glad to have that over with, and to move on to summer. 
I hope you have a refreshing and restful weekend, and that you no longer need your wool sweaters (wherever you live…)

Weight(s), lifted

Posted on by Anne Leave a comment
The weight of something lifted off your shoulders #zen | Words ...
I’ve had two big weights, no, actually three, lifted in the last few days. 
One each from work, family, and relationship. And… it’s kind of hard to get used to the sensation of *something* hanging over me all the time. 
The weight I carried for the longest time – the family-related one – was lifted on Monday. And since lifting it required that another family member accept something that I was proposing, well, it wasn’t at all certain that it would be lifted. But that person accepted what I said, met me more than halfway, and truly relieved my mind in terms of what was worrying me. 
For work, it was (finally) the end of semester, the end of grading papers, and finalizing grades. This was such an odd semester – with the switch to all-online in the middle, literally, and a lot of students who were unbelievably stressed trying to keep up with classes and their work while also dealing with family issues, illness, financial problems, internet connectivity issues, and on and on and on. I feel terrible for them, that they didn’t get the experience we wanted them to have, but they were universally positive and made the best of it. I’m amazed at their resilience and determination, and feeling really good about the future of my profession and our country, if this small sample is representative of this generation. 
And finally, the relationship weight. I was dithering and questioning myself and wondering whether I should actually just (literally) hit “send” on an email I’ve been working on for over a month. Seriously. Yesterday, I opened the email draft, and just… sent it. Otherwise, it would have nagged at me for, well, probably forever.
I feel like today – despite it being a Wednesday in the middle of the month, with no particular meaning – is a  bit of a fresh start. A chance to take a deep breath, recenter myself, and move ahead from here. The weather is finally starting to turn to spring (hey, it’s only mid-May, take your time!) and I’m feeling, well, hopeful. I need to hold on to that feeling, given all that’s still going on with COVID, the presidency, and all of the other issues and challenges in the world today. It’s overwhelming if I think too much about it, but I try to remember that we will get through. Things will look up, eventually, and we’ll all be able to take a breath and get a fresh start. 

Simple Gifts

Posted on by Anne Leave a comment

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about life right now, about how different it is from “normal” life. I have a more pessimistic view than most, and I know this virus is going to be with us, and affecting what we can do, and how we can do it, for a long time to come. I get quite frustrated with those who persist in saying that “we’ve beaten it” and it’s time to just go back to how it was before. That will just get us into a deeper mess in the near future.

So I am choosing – no matter what happens in my state – to continue to live, for the most part, while distancing myself from as many people as possible. To continue to live this new, modified, sometimes surprising, life.

I haven’t had a lot of changes, like some. I don’t have kids. I don’t have anyone else in my space. I don’t even have a goldfish to worry about. I am (currently) employed, and working more than full time from home. I like my home, I like my routine, and honestly? Not much about that has been disrupted. And, for those things that have changed, I’ve adapted.

But there are some new things that I really like.
Frequent check ins with my nuclear family.
Checking in with a core group of fellow younger faculty members.
Texting with more than a few coworkers.
Having the opportunity to cook more during the day, and even (gasp) slightly shift what I eat.
Exercising differently.

I’ve realized that my life has become even simpler than it was before. And I like it. I’m finding some time to get rid of old papers, old baggage from my previous life. I’d been simplifying, but it seems to have accelerated a bit.

I’ve always loved the song, Simple Gifts. I never really paid attention to the lyrics (other than the first two lines) until today, when I listened to the unbelievably beautiful voice of Allison Krauss… who sang while Yo Yo Ma played the cello. Seriously, if you get a chance, check it out on YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6aQXvbjfAGE).

And this time, I looked up the lyrics…

Simple Gifts ~ Judy Collins
‘Tis the gift to be simple
‘Tis the gift to be free
‘Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be
And when we find ourselves in the place just right
It will be in the valley of love and delight
When true simplicity is gained
To bow and to bend, we will not be ashamed
To turn, turn, will be our delight
‘Til by turning, turning, we come round right
What caught my eye this time were these lines: 
‘Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be
And when we find ourselves in the place just right
And all I could think was, yes. 
I feel as though I’m finally coming down where I ought to be. 
And finding myself in a place that does feel just right. 

Frogs for Breakfast

Posted on by Anne Leave a comment
Today I have to eat the proverbial frog. 
Sigh.
There are times when I get really tired of getting feedback on what I’ve written.
It happens a lot in my job – it’s academia, it’s what we do. I’ve written about this before – we put ourselves out there and let others comment on – and change – what we’ve put on screen / paper. 
I don’t think it ever gets easier. I mean, it’s not like I’m not used to it – this has been my life for a really long time. 
But there are times I just want to sit down, and throw a tantrum. Seriously. I just want to say No, over and over and over again. 
I always go through and (usually) accept most of the comments and changes. But there are times when I just can’t make the change. Times when doing so would lose the “me” in what I wrote. And I know that people have preferences for what shows up where in a study proposal, or a review document. But so do I – and if it’s mine, I want my voice to come through. So it’s a balance of appeasing the reviewers (often more senior faculty members / mentors) and staying true to myself. 
I get to deal with nitpicky comments today. This is how it always is with this person – it’s kind of their MO. I know that, and still I am taken aback by the number of nitpicky comments and “suggestions” that show up. 
I like to think this has made ME a better reviewer. I actually go through my comments, or my article reviews, before I either return them to students, or submit the reviews online. I delete those that are just waaaay too picky and try to focus on those that are substantive. But it can be hard, particularly when you know there’s a “better” way of saying something – but you also know that changing it would change the voice of the person whose work it actually is. 
Gosh, this is a boring entry. All of this to say – it’s Monday, we’re still safer at home, I’m tired, and… I’m going to do this first. Get it over with. Fun start to the week! Ha. 
I hope your Monday is a bit nicer than mine. On the other hand, when I get through this, I can focus on other things… you know, like setting up a meeting with mentors to review comments on an unfunded grant submission. Ha. Apparently I never learn! 
Happy Monday. 

Uncertainty

Posted on by Anne Leave a comment

There is a concept I have always liked, although I’ve never studied it.

Tolerance for ambiguity.

Just the phrase makes it, well, unambiguous. Tolerance for ambiguity is an individual’s ability to tolerate ambiguous circumstances or situations. What’s interesting to me is how much people can vary on this characteristic. That’s from someone who, let’s just say, has NO tolerance for ambiguity.

I’ve actually done the measurement scale for this (as I have considered using it in studies and still am…) and found that I have very little tolerance for ambiguity or uncertainty.

This is not at all surprising. I’m not a black and white thinker – believe me, I know that the world is full of shades of gray – but I also know that when I am given the choice, I prefer to at least know what’s going to happen, vs. not having a clue.

I’m sure you can imagine how well I’m dealing with the current global pandemic. To say that we are living in uncertain and ambiguous times is one of the understatements of the year. Not only is there great uncertainty regarding how the virus will affect us in the coming months and years, but we are all dealing with a crazy amount of uncertainty in our daily lives.

For me, everywhere I turn, it seems like I’m faced with more uncertainty and ambiguity. My relationship. My job. My health. My ability to obtain the food that I need and want. Heck, even the weather here in the upper Midwest has been all over the place (60s in March! 20s in April! Gah!).

I’m trying. I’m trying to get through the best way I know – through routine, focus, moving forward even though I may not know where the path will lead. (Let’s get real – I have NO IDEA where the path will lead…)

But some days are harder than others. And that’s when I go down the rabbit hole of spiraling thoughts, and a brain that won’t turn off, and lack of sleep, and limited productivity. Those are the days I just want to toss it all out the window. But instead, I turn back to routine, to the familiar. It’s a source of comfort right now. I know that more information, decisions, ideas, will come eventually. What drives me bonkers is not knowing when that will happen.

So I sit with the ambiguity, rely on my habits and routines, and tell myself that someday I will know how all of these things turn out.

It’s just not going to be today.

“Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future, but from wanting to control it.” ~ Kahlil Gibran