“We are what we repeatedly do…” ~maybe Aristotle, maybe not

Depending on who you ask, of course. It could also be Shaquille O’Neal (you know, the retired NBA player?) if the internets are to be believed. Ha.

Anyway, on to what I intended to write about today – rather than Shaq – what I do almost every day, and what I rarely if ever do.

I have written frequently that I am a creature of habit. Routine makes my life so much easier, and it runs so much more smoothly. I do some things nearly every day – the exceptions are usually when I am traveling or sick (as I was this fall).

So what do I do every day?

• Exercise. I cannot get my brain going in the morning without moving my body. This was the biggest challenge with my prolonged illness this fall. I did not have the energy to even do simple exercises. This was so, so hard. I started back as soon as I could. Even some small movement – a short walk, a bit of stretching – helps. 
• Drink tea. I drink tea in the morning, then switch to seltzer for most of the rest of the day. Herbal to start, then a few cups of caffeinated. I return to the herbal in the evening. 
• Make my bed. Always. 
• Read. I read for fun, always, in the last hour of my day. I read the paper. I read extensively for my work. I read. All. The. Time. But the game changer in my life has been reading for fun again. It makes my whole day end on a good note, no matter how much of a mess it was. 
• Shower twice. This is a long-standing habit from my days of shift work and bedside nursing. I shower in the morning, post-gym, and then again at night. Now, it’s more about raising my core body temperature (part of my chronic condition) and loosening my muscles so I can sleep. My parents do this too. 
• Email my parents. Almost every day – unless I am with them! We check in. It’s our way of staying close despite the distance. 

I am already liking 2020 better than 2019. 2019, quite frankly, sucked. In many ways.

But in 2020, I feel like things are clicking along, that I am making progress personally and professionally. And we are only 7 days in.

I have long known my purpose in life – and my passion for it has only grown. Perhaps now, when I am in the right place, geographically, mentally, personally, and (finally) physically, is when I can finally start to realize the outcomes of all that purpose, passion, and work.

I tried in the past – but without addressing all aspects of my life, I wasn’t succeeding. I looked for excuses in my jobs, in my location, in my relationships… everywhere, it seems, but in me.

Yet in the last few months, I feel as though I’ve finally started to figure out (or, perhaps, to remember) who I am. What and who I love. What I want out of life. How best to take care of myself, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

It doesn’t mean that there won’t be changes – perhaps big ones – in the years to come. But now that I finally feel like I am on the right path, I am hoping that those changes are blips in the trajectory of my life… not roadblocks to being who I am meant to be.

Yet another cliche, and no, I have not read the book yet. I am waiting until I finish a few other non-fiction reads before I make the move. I’m also worried that it will not live up to all the positive and rave reviews. I also know that I must read it – a strong, powerful, independent woman, who is a role model for so many? What can I learn from her life?

I am learning from my own life that… I am not who I was. I think, finally, I am becoming who I was meant to be. I wonder if I stifled myself, or kept the “real” parts of me more hidden, over the last 15 years? My independent and contrary tendencies have returned. I am stating things as they are, rather than asking them as questions. I’m not asking “Is that okay?” as much. I am trying, trying to own my life and my decisions.

I do not think this is sitting well with my partner, because, quite honestly, it is a change from how I have been most recently. I have questioned my priorities, my preferences, my values. Subsumed them, really. And… that is not me. I have finally – finally – realized that, and it’s helping me become who I want to be.

I want to live a larger life than I am living. I want to see what good I can do in this world, beyond the good that I hope I will do through my research.

I have always admired my sister in law, despite her, um, slightly different way of doing things, for her unerring ability to stand up for what is right for her, and her family, and especially her kids. It may not be how things are “typically” done in my family, but she gets it done. And she is unapologetic in owning her beliefs and her choices.

I feel more secure in who I am now than I have in a long time.
It feels so good to be me again.

I know it’s almost the new year, almost a new decade, and I know it’s the thing to do right now to plan for big changes.

But I can’t help but feel that they are coming. And yet, I also feel as though I am coming to a place where I am more like the me I used to be than I have been for a long time.

It won’t be the same, thanks to the intervening years… but taking my life back for my own, making my own choices, and moving ahead as I want to (not how others want me to) will help me, well, “…arrive where (I) started…”

I don’t think it will be easy. I don’t think everyone close to me will really, well, like what’s happening.

But it needs to happen.

Professionally, other than a general blah end of semester slump, and a feeling that I am never going to get grant funding again, things are actually going really well. I know I’ve said that before.

Personally, I am finally getting to the point of making decisions and moving ahead whether others are with me or not. I’m giving up on old grudges, forgiving and forgetting some… shall we say… less than happy memories of relationships with some people, and embracing the weird me that I am.

It’ll be an interesting start to 2020. Very different from the start of 2019. Yet… I’m eager to see what comes.