I have a habit – not a bad on, per se, but a habit nonetheless – of seeking answers from others… books, websites, other (presumably wiser) people. And this weekend, it occurred to me that perhaps I need to ask myself … and seek the answers within.

I’m struggling with whether and how to bring up what, for me, is a BIG issue in a relationship. And I have spent the last…month? I think? …primarily worrying about what the other person thinks, finding out their perspective, their concerns, their needs and wants.

And yet… in all of that… I have never stopped to ask myself what *I* want. I haven’t asked myself the same questions that I want to ask this other person.

Without that information, how on earth can I decide what I want out of this relationship? Basing my knowledge and my actions solely on the (anticipated) reactions and responses of another means that I have completely removed myself from consideration.

I do this when I work, too. I spend so much time seeking out the answer, the one piece of information that is the key to making my hypothesis work. I have spent more time in the literature looking for a study that someone MUST have done… only to find that no, no one has done it, and that means that I can do it!

Is it a matter of trusting myself? Or is it simply that I am in the habit of deferring to others and putting my needs, wants and interests on the sidelines?

I think it might be time to change that. Not that my thoughts, desires, and wants are more important than those of the other person, but that they are equally important, particularly if I want to be an equal partner in this (and any other) relationship. Or if I want to make a difference in my work.

So it’s time to be quiet, to look inside myself for the answers. To seek direction from my own soul, my own wants and needs.

Ever feel like you just want to tell yourself to just get over it?

I’m in a mood today – feeling sorry for myself, pathetic, and like a waste of space. I feel like I haven’t gotten anything done this week, that I’m a failure in my personal and professional life, and I’m kind of wondering why the hell should I bother?

I try to remember that I love what I do.

I generally love my life.

Things are actually pretty good.

But sometimes, you just want to wallow. Until you get sick of yourself. I’m kind of getting to the “sick of myself” stage now, but might need a few more hours of “wallowing in my self-pity”.

I know that when I ask for engagement and feedback and others, that (shocker!) they will give me feedback. I know that there will be questions, and challenges, and ideas that I had not considered. And I know that at least some of that will be helpful and will help make whatever I am working on better.

But sometimes? Sometimes you just want someone to say, “Wow, this is awesome!” Granted, that might not get you that far, particularly if whatever-it-is isn’t that awesome.

Not to mention, I won’t get what I want in my life if I don’t challenge myself.

So a couple more hours of wallowing. Hopefully a more productive day. And a bit of an attitude shift.

I am sure it’s clear by now that I don’t tolerate uncertainty well.
And these next few weeks are going to challenge me.

This week – first week back in school – is a busy one. I won’t be able to work at home one day, as I typically do. That’s usually when I clean, and do the grocery shopping, since I don’t have to commute.

This week, I’ll be here every day. I know, normal for most people, but not for my routine. And I kind of live and die by it.

So I have been obsessing over when I will do what. What day will I clean? When will I shop? Should I do some one day and some the next?

It’s exhausting. It doesn’t achieve anything. What would be better is to just make a decision based on my schedule and go forward. For some reason this is never my first course of action.

So today I am planning to actually take steps to figure out what I will do each day.
I have other things I need to worry about – time to take this off my mental list.

I frustrate myself sometimes, with this intolerance for ambiguity and change. I know that’s how I am wired, but it doesn’t make me like it any more.

Time to review the calendar and make some actual decisions. Sheesh.

Today is my birthday.
And for the last … many … birthdays this is the mantra I have used to start “my” new year:

To me, it epitomizes how I want to start my birthday each year. I begin as I mean to go on. I don’t make the day very “special” – I have never been one for parties or celebrations. (Oh, the time I had a surprise party that everyone thought I would love. It was… torture. I really dislike being surprised, and being the center of attention. You can see why a surprise party was not exactly how I wanted to spend my birthday!)

So today, I went to the gym. I came to work and I am going to work hard. I am going to see my husband and his family tomorrow for dinner. But that’s it. Nothing special. I try not to tell people about it – I never mention it at work, and I don’t expect people to “celebrate” me.

Instead, I want to be sure that I am living the life I want to live. That how I am spending my days is how I want to spend my life. (Thank you, Annie Dillard.)

Some years, I have time for a personal retreat to align my intent with my purpose and values, and figure out how I want to live that out in the next year. Not this year – it’s a busy time, with the academic year starting next week.

But I will take some time for reflection this weekend – not a retreat, just a… review, perhaps.
And tonight, well, tonight I might just have an extra bit of peanut butter ripple ice cream. Because, you know, another year on this planet is nothing to sneeze at.