Steps

From the ever-wonderful Brian Andreas, Storypeople, and Flying Edna (https://flyingedna.com)
Oh, this is so me. This was this morning’s Story of the Day (one of my favorite emails…) and it just spoke to me. It is so hard to take those first steps; so hard, in fact that it’s sometimes not even obvious to others that I have done so. And yet, in my head, I have ruminated and pondered and *almost* made the decision so. many. times. 
But they don’t see that. All they see is the delay and the time that it took me to get to that first step. (There were probably 10,000 steps leading up to that first step, because of all my dithering and pre-work and almost-steps…)
It makes it so hard, sometimes, because from my perspective, I’ve taken that step! I’ve succeeded (for the most part; sometimes, well, okay often? I then take a step back and have to work myself up to taking the step *again*…). But if you don’t see me moving – as I do, in my head – then, well, it’s frustrating. 
Which then feeds into that lovely feeling of shame…and the need to pull back into myself, and keep myself from being vulnerable. Keep myself from being open. 
What’s funny is that this is really only in my personal life. In my professional life, I’ve been more than willing to jump, to take that step (or more often, those steps, plural…). Maybe I use up all my step-taking there? 😕
I am hoping to take more steps to be me, again, in the new year. I don’t know that I want to set goals, per se, but… maybe that’s one thing to do? So many people do that this time of year. Perhaps it’s more of an intention? What do I want to focus on? Taking the steps? Reaching out? Opening up? Hm…. ah, things to ponder. Good thing I have a few days! 

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