Today is my birthday.
And for the last … many … birthdays this is the mantra I have used to start “my” new year:

To me, it epitomizes how I want to start my birthday each year. I begin as I mean to go on. I don’t make the day very “special” – I have never been one for parties or celebrations. (Oh, the time I had a surprise party that everyone thought I would love. It was… torture. I really dislike being surprised, and being the center of attention. You can see why a surprise party was not exactly how I wanted to spend my birthday!)

So today, I went to the gym. I came to work and I am going to work hard. I am going to see my husband and his family tomorrow for dinner. But that’s it. Nothing special. I try not to tell people about it – I never mention it at work, and I don’t expect people to “celebrate” me.

Instead, I want to be sure that I am living the life I want to live. That how I am spending my days is how I want to spend my life. (Thank you, Annie Dillard.)

Some years, I have time for a personal retreat to align my intent with my purpose and values, and figure out how I want to live that out in the next year. Not this year – it’s a busy time, with the academic year starting next week.

But I will take some time for reflection this weekend – not a retreat, just a… review, perhaps.
And tonight, well, tonight I might just have an extra bit of peanut butter ripple ice cream. Because, you know, another year on this planet is nothing to sneeze at.

And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
~Max Ehrmann, a snippet of the Desiderata

I have always, always loved this…benediction? Poem? I read it at my high school graduation, and even now, when I am in the throes of a panic as I was yesterday, I hear this bit in my head. 

“…no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”

And I breathe. 
And remember that yes, the world will keep turning. 
Despite my mini-failures along the way. Despite the actions of our despicable “President” these days, and those who align with his views across the world. 

I don’t know what the plan is, what the end is, what it will all look like. 
That doesn’t mean I stop working, stop advocating for change, stop trying to be a force for good.  
That doesn’t mean that I stick my head in the sand, and just assume that everything can just go on without my contribution.

I do need to keep trying, to do better, to do more.

But I also know that there is a bigger process at work here. One I can contribute to, yes, but something that will continue to unfold when my short time on this planet is done.

So what do I take away from these seemingly contradictory thoughts?

Do good things, add to the positive balance of the Universe.
Actively work against those who aim to advance the negative, the dark.
We can shift the unfolding…we can make a better end.

I wasn’t going to write today, but then Jamie Varon (https://www.jamievaron.com/) sent out one of her fabulous Friday letters that I read this morning (yes, Saturday morning) and it had this gem in it:

“Why do I still have to justify being tired or needing a break by recounting how much I’ve done in the past week, two weeks, month? Even though I know the restorative power of rest, why is it still so difficult to recognize when enough is enough for me?”