Who will you be…

Who will you be, when you’re finished being who you think you are?
James Clear

Wow. This was my life yesterday. 
Realizing that who I think I am – who I think I should be – is not really who I am. 

That, over the years, I have lost myself. In relationships, in work, in trying to be someone I am not. 

I started the day with this quote – from a collection I keep for myself (my actually commonplace book!) and it just… spoke to me. 

Then, I ended the day with a long session with my therapist (yes, I go to therapy, and yes, I talk about it) in which we came around to this very idea as the source, the root, of much of my discontent in the past few years, with my life, my location, my relationships, my own body… well, with pretty much everything in life. 

And now, as I start to realize this, and try to move back to who I truly am, I realize that 2020 is going to be a year of even more growth and change. I’m not averse to that – just realizing that the start of 2021 in 11.5 months (sheesh, where did the first half of January go already?) is likely going to look a lot different from the start of 2020. 

I’m okay with that. I want to get back to myself. I want to be the me that I really liked, all those years ago. I want to be independent, and involved, and engaged. I want to travel where I want to travel, not compromise with others. I’m already taking steps to do these things, and it feels so good. 

I also know I will regress, backslide, lose ground… and that’s not going to be easy. But this is so, so important to me. 

Being true to who I am. How’s that for another intention for 2020? I kind of like it, I have to say. 

Onward…

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