Emerging, with some difficulty

Yet again, my long break from this blog was not intentional.

At first, it was – I left for vacation with my family at the end of July and knew that I wouldn’t be posting that week. But I assumed I’d be here the week after that, perhaps recapping the trip (it was wonderful) or highlighting what I hoped August would bring.

What August wound up bringing was, well, a bit of chaos. See, when I fractured my arm and had to have surgery, I also had to postpone a bunch of medical appointments and procedures that had been scheduled to try to figure out what’s going on with my whatever-it-is chronic illness. And all of those appointments (save one) had been moved to the two weeks after I returned from vacation.

So it was out of the (cool, very relaxing) vacation frying pan and into the appointment fire.

I was barely keeping it together, let alone feeling like I could post.

And I still feel like life is spinning out of control. I think it’s this feeling I hate most – that my prized control is slipping, and that I am just doing things to get them done and moving on. There’s minimal structure to some of my days – which I typically love – but often I find myself chasing shiny objects, and jumping from thing to thing to thing without focusing on what needs to be done first.

Now, I am trying (desperately) to emerge from that chaos and squirrel mind.

At the same time, work has, um, not been easy (let’s just leave it at that for now) and I had some major unanticipated work-related stressors earlier this week. The kind of stressors that leave you wondering whether you really want to keep doing this. It has been a tough few weeks and I’m hoping (desperately) that I am starting to emerge from it.

I just spent 10 minutes searching for this poem… which seems rather apt in this moment. So I leave you with this, and the promise to be back again soon. And I mean it this time. (If, um, there’s anyone left out there who’s still reading at this point…)

Blessing in the Chaos

To all that is chaotic
in you,
let there come silence.

Let there be
a calming
of the clamoring,
a stilling
of the voices that
have laid their claim
on you,
that have made their
home in you,

that go with you
even to the
holy places
but will not
let you rest,
will not let you
hear your life
with wholeness
or feel the grace
that fashioned you.

Let what distracts you
Let what divides you
Let there come an end
to what diminishes
and demeans,
and let depart
all that keeps you
in its cage.

Let there be
an opening
into the quiet
that lies beneath
the chaos,
where you find
the peace
you did not think
and see what shimmers
within the storm.

-Jan Richardson

13 thoughts on “Emerging, with some difficulty

    1. Thanks, Beckett. It hasn’t been easy, but after all my whining earlier in the week, well, things did turn around. Thank goodness! (Work drama is seriously the worst, is it not?? I hate that I let it affect me so much but.. .it’s such a big part of my life.)

  1. I am so sorry that your health appointments feel like they are taking over your life! I can’t imagine how hard it is to keep your health a priority when work is so stressful. I hope you’re taking care of yourself and that work has calmed down to a simmer.

    1. We’re definitely back down to a simmer right now. Thank goodness. And thanks for the positive thoughts – they helped.
      The appointments are slowing down, the school year is ramping up, and I’m even looking forward to getting back into a more normal routine, vs. the weirdness of this summer. 🙂

    1. Thanks, Nicole. Peace is finally starting to slide its way back into my life – and I’m even trying to bring back a bit of, well, fun. Craziness, right? 🙂
      Work stress is also backing off a bit, which helps immensely. Still there, but so much closer to normal. Whew.

  2. I’m sorry you’ve been in such a rough season, Anne! You’ve really been through a lot in these last few months, and I hope things start looking up for you. You deserve it!

    1. Thank you so much, Stephany. I really appreciate the support, particularly since I feel like all I’ve done this summer is complain! Things are starting to look up, which helps. I was getting really tired of myself and my complaining, to be honest! (I’m not usually this negative about life… at least, I don’t think I am! Others may have a different perspective. Ha.)

  3. I’m so sorry, Anne. Sometimes life just feels like a rapid-fire of hard and you e been in the crosshairs lately.
    I hope things calm down and that in the midst of the chaos and uncertainty you catch glimpses of joy and peace.
    You’ve been following along with my own crazy, chaotic summer and know I’ve been struggling to find peace and calm, too. So I really love that poem – it feels like a prayer, at its core.

    1. Oh, Elisabeth, I love thinking of that poem as a prayer. I don’t typically pray, but yes, it does have that feel, doesn’t it?
      And I know you’ve had challenges far beyond mine this summer – I cannot even imagine all that you are dealing with. In my outsider opinion, anyway, you have done an amazing job. Really.
      Things have started to calm a bit, which makes me happy. What does not make me happy is realizing that summer is slipping away and I’ve spent most of the summer complaining. I’m trying to shift my mindset, and some recent positive things have helped tremendously. Thanks for always being here. <3

  4. Oh Anne, I do hope things calm down for you a bit soon. It seems like there was one thing after another these last few months. It’s hard to get organized and stay organized when things are constantly changing and new things are thrown your way. My mantra in these situations is “one thing at a time”.

    I hope things are looking up! Many hugs.

    1. Goodness, how awful that I am just now getting to this a week later… I love your mantra, San. I honestly don’t think I have ever said that to myself, and it’s something I should adopt. One thing at a time. One step at a time. I’ll still get there – just in a more deliberate and (hopefully) calm way. Thank you for sharing that… <3

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